My First Abortion December 30, 2007

The appointment was made and the day came quickly. I don’t remember much before the I.V. I guess the details were small enough that I’ve just forgotten. But the I.V. and the Doctor I will never forget! First of all Helga the blind nurse with a nerve disorder administered my I.V. Some things just stay with you. Her hair was in a bun and she had bumpy lips. I remember her lips so well because I couldn’t understand a word she said which left me watching her mouth when she spoke. I may have been the very first person she ever poked with a needle.

Just before I met the anesthesiologist who would, thankfully, put me to sleep for the procedure, I met the Doctor for the first time. I don’t recall his name but I remember his face and his voice. He had deep blue eyes and his skin was pitted. He was very pale, possibly dead. His voice was dull and dreary; monotone in fact. He appeared bored. I was just another number in his appointment book. However, he did hold my hand while explaining to me what would take place while I was sleeping. The doctor informed me he would be using the vacuum procedure. Before that week I had never heard of it. He went on to explain how he would dilate my cervix then vacuum the “fetus” out. He said I would experience some cramping for the first few days and to expect some mild to moderate bleeding for a couple weeks afterwards. Then I would be back to “normal”. “Any questions?” he asked. No, I just thought to myself, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I didn’t even have the chance to grasp or comprehend what the doctor just explained to me. Before I knew it a man in white was counting me off to sleep. The last words I heard were, “Soon it will be all over”. The next words I heard were, “It’s all over!” Well that’s great…I suppose.

I have had many surgeries since where I’ve been under anesthesia. Each time I’ve awakened without commotion. At times I’ve been cold and shaky but mostly happy, but not that day. Before the surgery I was full of fear, quiet, cooperative. But I woke up a different person. I was full of anger. It was anger beyond my control. An anger so raging that I actually slapped the nurse’s face that arrived with the puke bucket just in time. I remember looking around and seeing several other girls just waking up or recovering. I was so enraged at them for being there. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I just wanted to be alone and go home. The nurses wouldn’t leave me be. They insisted on helping me. I didn’t want to be helped. The more they tried the angrier I became. I’m sure no one was in danger, but I could still yell so I tried that too! That’s when I was moved to a private area. They moved me to a very small, stark white and cold room. A nurse sat in a chair, safe in the corner, to monitor me but left me completely alone. And that’s where I would stay for the next couple hours, alone and crying, exactly what I wanted. The pain was unbelievable. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. They could’ve left me for dead and I’d have been entirely fine with that.

I had no idea how drastically the course of my life just changed. All things that were to come and all decisions I was yet to make would be affected as a result of that one afternoon. I didn’t realize that day my life would never be the same. A 16 year old girl, changed forever.