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In The Beginning

October 8, 2007

I just wanted a drink, that’s all. But I was too afraid to ask. I was awfully thirsty. I had been waiting patiently for someone to help me, someone to notice me. But I would have to wait and stay all by myself just like most days. I knew not to bother anyone.

A drink of water was all I could think about, I could almost taste it. The more I played the more thirsty I became until I couldn’t stand it any longer. So finally I got up from the couch, where I had been sitting alone in the living room, and slowly started my way down the long hall toward the bedroom. The closer I got the louder the noises became. My steps were getting smaller and slower as I grew more afraid. As I approached my mother and fathers’ closed door the sound of my dads’ voice frightened me more and more. Still, all I could think about was a drink.

There I stood, on the other side of their bedroom door, too scared to bother them. Too afraid to knock. I listened but didn’t really understand what they were saying. I waited until the yelling stopped for a moment before I made a fist to knock. No one opened the door. My father continued to scream. I knocked again, a little louder this time, less afraid and more determined for a drink.

Suddenly I heard a loud, smashing noise. I yelled for my mother as my father swung open the door. There he stood with blood dripping off his hand from slamming it into the very door I knocked on. I knew I shouldn’t have bothered them. He looked at me then screamed to my mother, “See what you made me do!” I stared into his eyes and froze. I couldn’t even speak. What did I even want?

From the corner of my eye I noticed my mother sitting on the edge of the bed. I ran quickly past my father straight into her arms. She held me tight as I snuggled right in. I looked up at her and whispered very softly, “I’m so thirsty mommy.”

This is my first childhood memory. I was three years old.

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. October 9, 2007 2:53 am

    I have a story I will share with you about my earliest memory when I return from work this morning. I really felt the Lord lead me to check on you this morning, praying for you!

    I want to give you a challenge-Pray today that God will show you exactly where HE was in that first early memory, I believe HE will thrill your heart when you see HIM. Love you so much Princess Tam!

  2. October 9, 2007 2:56 am

    WOW!!

    I think i will leave any further comment until i understand more – ( a rarity for me 😉 )

    I hope that book is fictional??

    P.S. Does my name link to my website now?

  3. Heidi permalink
    October 9, 2007 5:41 am

    Talk about hanging on Tam…
    I think I know what’s next and I don’t know if I want to know. You know I’m doing the same thing on my blog, not a book like you. It’s easier in a kinda sort of way, if you know what I mean. but really difficult when our first memories are so graphic. I’m here and praying

  4. October 9, 2007 7:48 am

    It is very well written if a little disturbing.

  5. Brandy permalink
    October 9, 2007 9:49 am

    I think that I will see all of your stories in a different light now that I have kids. Before it was something I thought was awful and sad b/c I loved you, but now I see it differently.

    Dylan is three. That breaks my heart for your three year old little self.

    Love you. 😉

  6. godsgal1 permalink
    October 9, 2007 10:15 am

    I remember when God took me back to everything. I fought Him kicking and screaming. But then, He allowed me to see everything through His eyes…redeemed. It’s so good how He brings us so far in one short lifetime. You bless me….

  7. October 9, 2007 10:25 am

    I can’t think of any thing worse than growing up in an abusive home. Your strength of character, with the help of the God you found, is the kind of inspirational story that gives me hope for the future of mankind.

    I would not be surprised if your father’s family had a history of abuse. You have broken this chain of abuse with the love you have shown your children. I can’t think anything more important.

    Mine own first memory is of Christmas at my grandmother’s house. I was three years old, or so I have been told. Decorating the Christmas tree was always a major family undertaking. Ornaments that were passed down over generations. A miniature railroad around the tree. All the shiny gifts decorated with colorful ribbons around the tree.

    I think it was Christmas morning as I gazed up at this wondrous spectacle. I then preceded to reach up and pull the whole down on top of me.

    This story is of course repeatedly told every Christmas. It’s a source of much amusement to my family. No matter what else I may have accomplished in life to my family I will always be the kid that pulled down the family Christmas tree.

  8. October 9, 2007 10:26 am

    Wow how heartbreaking. I am so sorry! That is something no child should ever experience. I, too, understand about knocking on that door with loud voiced behind it..being scared and unsure. I hope you know that you’re loved.

  9. October 9, 2007 10:27 am

    You’ve inspired me to include an excerpt from my book. Check my daily blessings out later….

  10. October 9, 2007 11:43 am

    ”I can’t think of any thing worse than growing up in an abusive home. Your strength of character, with the help of the God you found, is the kind of inspirational story that gives me hope for the future of mankind.

    I would not be surprised if your father’s family had a history of abuse. You have broken this chain of abuse with the love you have shown your children. I can’t think anything more important.”

    What Ed said here are my thoughts exactly.
    My mother broke the chain of abuse also. Thank You, God for her doing that. And for Tam!
    xoxo

  11. October 9, 2007 11:45 am

    My heart breaks for the sweet 3 year old you. Makes me want to gather my kids up from where they are this afternoon and hug them the rest of the day. I cannot fathom what those memories are like for you. I’d hug you if I could!

  12. justlovehim permalink
    October 9, 2007 12:32 pm

    I held my breath as I read this. Wow. Your book is going to be powerful! It will change lives! I am so sorry you had to go through this, but you’re doing something with it for God’s glory, and that rocks. God Bless!

  13. heatherblankenship permalink
    October 9, 2007 1:35 pm

    Wow, very well written. You truly captured the fear of a child. I have similar memories. I am grateful to God for the healing He has done in my own emotions! I hope that writing down the memories of pain from your past will be therapeutic for you. One of the hardest things to do, is go back and honestly confront the monsters in our childhood closets. Even though we have an adult brain that tells us we are ok, it just seems that we can instantly turn into the three year old again. I pray that God, the great healer and the Holy Spirit, the comforter will be with you during this excavation of your life.

  14. gavcait permalink
    October 9, 2007 2:03 pm

    My heart breaks for that little three year old girl. My prayer for you as you begin this journey of writing is that Jesus would show you were He was at during those times.

    Is this going to stir up a lot of old hurts for you?

  15. October 9, 2007 2:08 pm

    girl do i relate. keep hearing from the voice of Jesus as you write. one thing i love in looking back on my own life that as bad as times were Jesus was sovereign over it and He has used it (my past) like He is using yours and it has bowed down and become a servant of the gospel. I don’t think we would be who we are without all of the ugly in our lineage. I would love to share a scripture i was dissecting this morning but i have to get ready for Bible study. It is so good! I look back and I am truly thankful.

  16. October 9, 2007 6:56 pm

    Thank you for your kind comments on my page….I responded to you there.

  17. krissnp permalink
    October 9, 2007 7:31 pm

    interesting.

  18. October 10, 2007 5:06 am

    I am so jealous. My earliest memory is putting together a Garfield puzzle. See, no where near as interesting.

  19. October 10, 2007 6:53 am

    I’m crying. (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  20. October 10, 2007 1:28 pm

    Thanks for being obedient to what God has whispered to you. I’m anxious to see what’s coming.

  21. October 11, 2007 4:00 pm

    That recount of your first memory just sealed my decision to become a foster parent. Thank you.

  22. March 7, 2008 7:43 am

    Thanks Tam. I was ok reading your story in a safe, disconnected manner — decades and miles away from your trauma.

    But then I read comment #21 … Amazing. Amazing.

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