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My Security

October 18, 2007

I will never forget the day it hit me. The day I realized, in a very powerful way, who I was and whom I wasn’t letting go of. My past, as twisted as it seemed, became my security. It was all I knew. In spite of this beautiful new life of mine I was still so attached to who I use to be. I carried with me every day my little secret. It had become a vital part of living. Removing it, to me, would’ve been equivalent to donating my lungs. My very breath. Something I could not survive without. To let go of my secret would be to let go of me. Exactly. And that was a horrifying thought. What would I do? Who would I be?

For many years I had long hair down to my waist. When people described me I was the girl with the “real long hair”. That was my identity. It also became my security. I enjoyed people noticing my long locks instead of me. I hid behind it all. Until the day when out of the blue I decided to cut it. I cut off my identity and security. It had become my counterfeit comfort. When it vanished I was left with two choices. I could either replace it with something else to hide behind or deal with the issue at hand. Why was I hiding? What was I hiding from? I came terribly close to replacing it with an eating disorder I had just two years earlier. It would’ve been so simple to invite it back having just had a child and a few extra pounds that I detested. Until, I remembered how tired and sick I constantly felt throughout my journey with anorexia. Besides, Brent was aware of my struggle with this disorder and would instantly spot its return. There seemed to be nothing for me to latch on to. But I needed something to be identified by, something that would take the focus off of me. But the Lord would have it no longer.

Shortly after removing my security blanket of hair I sat at home, alone with our daughter Kassidi who was 5 months old at the time, when suddenly I became weighed down with despair. I felt a stirring within me; an uneasiness about me. There was a heavy burden making its way to the surface and there was no stopping it. It was a rock bottom moment. I had been battling with the Lord that day, pleading my case before Him as to why I needed to protect my secret. God why can’t I just tuck it away? Why does any one need to know? All is fine, why disturb the peace? Then He responded, “Because there is no peace Tammy”. He revealed to me how tormented I was inside. How preoccupied I had become with my secret and the fear of it getting out. It owned me! Daily I dredged up the past and my abortions. It weighed powerfully on me each time I gazed at my daughter. I couldn’t look at her without thinking of what I had done. My thoughts so frequently stepped back to that abortion clinic, to the horrible things of my past. As a result God had been put in second place, or worse. As a matter of fact, He never had a chance at His rightful standing. I allowed my hang-ups to take precedence over what should have been God’s position in my life. I hit the ground. Everything within me gave out as I fell to the floor. With my head in my hands I wept and cried out to God, “I’m done! I cannot do this any longer!”

I remained there for what seemed like hours in brokenness. I had arrived at the end of Tammy’s road. Now it was time to merge onto God’s road. I’m not sure how much time passed before I remembered little Kassidi lying on the floor right beside me. I lifted my head from my hands and saw this beautiful creation, this stunning child, starring back at me. Looking into the eyes of the innocent I quickly accepted what I must do to become the mother she would ultimately need. From that moment on I no longer looked at her as a tool God may use to “get back” at me. I began to see her as a gift, an honor, a living example and proof of His unconditional love.

22 Comments leave one →
  1. October 18, 2007 10:19 am

    Tammy, thank you for sharing. It’s a beautiful reminder of God’s grace and love for us!

  2. October 18, 2007 10:58 am

    Beautiful !

    I stare in amazement at my gift every day. God is good.

  3. godsgal1 permalink
    October 18, 2007 10:59 am

    I love you.

  4. October 18, 2007 11:59 am

    what a testimony. keep sharing.

  5. charitymedders permalink
    October 18, 2007 12:30 pm

    girl…what an awesome testimony you have…I can relate to having a past that God redeemed to be used for His glory…thanks for sharing…its Awesome!


  6. gavcait permalink
    October 18, 2007 12:37 pm

    I cannot wait to read this book. You have led such an amazing journey.

    Hey, does your director have a website for your unit? I haven’t started attending meetings yet but have been going and getting different information from websites. Thanks!!!

  7. October 18, 2007 12:53 pm


  8. heatherblankenship permalink
    October 18, 2007 2:00 pm

    This is beautiful! I love your transparency! God is such a gentle and loving healer isn’t he?

  9. heatherblankenship permalink
    October 18, 2007 2:37 pm

    Thanks for the comment back! Yes just another day is the real deal! I see she commented you … she is Charity in the above comment!
    I am so honored to be privy to the early workings of your book!!

  10. October 18, 2007 2:49 pm

    Thanks everyone for all the encouragement!

    I thought every now and then I would post excerpts from my book. So they may seem random and some visitors may get lost – but it also keeps me motivated too…especially knowing all of you are on this journey with me!

    This is such a privilege!

  11. Cheryl permalink
    October 18, 2007 3:57 pm

    God is good!

  12. October 18, 2007 4:31 pm

    Each day my eyes open just a little wider.

    In less than 15 minutes they have gone from crying from mirth and laughter to tears of empathy and awe.

    Both Times it was solely down to You, Tam.

    You have no idea how far you can reach out.

    Thank you.

    Oh Yeah – I’ll let you share some credit with Him too 😉

  13. October 18, 2007 4:55 pm

    Cheryl, Yes HE is friend! No doubt at all on that!

    Love – Stop making me cry!
    You have no idea how badly I want to reach out…

    I had to look up “mirth” in the dictionary! Who ARE you? 😉

  14. October 18, 2007 5:37 pm

    Someone who has a similar need to your own it seems?

    ‘I Love a good enigma in the morning!’

    That’s enigma not ‘enema’ – ok?

    And i’ll do my best to stop if you do – deal? 🙂

    (Don’t you dare say yes!)

  15. October 18, 2007 6:35 pm

    I love this testimony of bringing the past to light. Satan can no longer keep it tormenting you. Love your vulnerability and openness.

    Much love,

  16. October 18, 2007 10:02 pm

    Love – NO deal! 🙂

    Angela – Thank you! Yes, Satan has no room here…Amen!

  17. October 18, 2007 11:24 pm

    I ‘m fairly sure you know Tam, that he won’t stop trying as long as you live! It’s a reminder to us all.

    he’s a very wily little spirit who never is very far away and has an entire armoury at his command to sneak his way past our defences.

    Love will overcome if we maintain it in our hearts for He who is True, Always.

    The Love in your Heart wasn’t put there to Stay – love isn’t Love ’till you give it away!

    And thank you for the ‘no deal’ I appreciate that! 🙂

  18. October 19, 2007 7:13 pm

    Wow! This is amazing. I’m going to share it with a friend.

  19. October 25, 2007 9:35 pm

    It seems like Kassidi was the personification of mercy.

  20. January 20, 2008 5:09 pm

    just saw this on the list of submissions at the prov31 site.

    hoping you get this one!!

  21. August 22, 2008 7:09 pm

    when my son was born and a few months old, was when it all hit me too. that was a really broken time.


  1. Lysa TerKeurst – A little of this and a little of that

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