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The Plan

October 25, 2007

The Plan? Yes. The plan was to ensure my happiness and conveniences of life at all costs. Of course! I was a teenager on her own…everything was about me! Why would I tolerate such a thing as a baby to obstruct my plans? Not that I had any aspirations in life but I most certainly was not thinking of becoming a mom.

So my decision was simple. An abortion would be the only sensible solution. It just made sense. Now admittedly I was scared. Like I said before I was frightened! I was afraid of the procedure. I was afraid of that clinic! I think a small part of me felt badly but not ashamed. You see, my fear was arrogant immaturity. I hated getting myself in this mess because again, it interfered with my comfort. Thoughts went through my mind like, “Where do I get the money?” “How do I keep this from everyone?” “What if I die during the procedure?” I never once thought about any one else apart from me.

The same day I learned I was pregnant at the clinic – I also made “the Appointment”. I didn’t need any time to consider my options. I knew before I was told the blood test result was positive the pregnancy would have to be terminated. The appointment was made quickly and would be done the end of that same week. It was so easy. I was so relieved! I couldn’t tolerate another day of constant vomiting. It was taking away from my beach and volleyball time.

It’s startling as I write this now thinking back at who I was as a person. I wasn’t a mean girl. I had loads of friends. I had one or two rivals but only because we were all insecure petty teenage girls. But in general I enjoyed life very much. I just didn’t want it intruded upon in any way. It was fine as it was.

This is an excerpt (rough copy) from my book, “The Day I Told My Daughter”. Reading it this morning I feel as if I am writing about a completely different person. I suppose I am. I have been under construction for a long time now, although there is still much remodeling to do, I am beginning to see the beauty of the blue print.

Take time to sit and be still. Reflect and be truthful with yourself in the areas you know need to be refined or even done away with.

Don’t fear growing pains – fear the atrophy…

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. October 25, 2007 9:05 am

    Wowie, can I order an advance copy?

    All may come, all things washed white as snow, oohhh, your testimony is so badly needed, so beautiful.

    Thank you, thank you for your courage and transparency. The Body needs you.

  2. October 25, 2007 10:51 am

    Your book? Got a publisher yet? 😉

  3. October 25, 2007 10:51 am

    Hey, I just noticed that I’m not on your blog roll.

  4. October 25, 2007 11:18 am

    Love it. That is a great start. This is a powerful message and needs to be told. Praying for you as you continue on and praying it will get into the right hands at the right time.

    Much love and blessings,
    Angela

  5. Cheryl permalink
    October 25, 2007 3:58 pm

    Wow! I can’t wait to read the real thing!! Its funny though, when you look back on being a teenager to the person you are now it has to seem like an out of body experience!

  6. October 25, 2007 6:19 pm

    Just encase you are interested (and you probably aren’t) I’ve been working on two books myself. One if is a historic fiction and the other is a novel about a bible verse spouting ego-maniacal killer who stalks and kills murders. I have a first chapter, but the stuff after that is hard to write. I need to watch pulp fiction to get some ideas…HA!

  7. October 25, 2007 6:27 pm

    totalT – Uuuhhh – that is intense! “Bible verse spouting ego-maniacal killer”? I;m guessing this won;t be suitable for the youngins 😉

    cheryl – that is exactly how I feel. A total out of body experience. I am so detached from “her” now…crazy!

    Angela, thank you for your prayers – it is an important part that will get us through to completion 🙂

    Jason, yes you can reserve a copy! Your words blessed me this morning! Thank you very much 😉

  8. October 25, 2007 6:44 pm

    One Word – Inspirational! 🙂

    Love

  9. October 25, 2007 6:44 pm

    “I;m guessing this won;t be suitable for the youngins”

    Depends on the “youngins.” The main character starts off as a admirable character who loses his wife and daughter in two separate tragedies. He begins with good intentions but ultimately hate and vengeance eat him from the inside out.

  10. October 25, 2007 7:47 pm

    So awesome! I want to read more!!! This book is going to bless so many people.

  11. October 25, 2007 8:31 pm

    Tam, that is a amazing, inspirational, book your are writing. I look forward to future installments.

    My guess is that we all kept adding to our own book of life as long as we live. We can’t know what the next chapter will bring. That’s what keeps us “on our toes”.

  12. October 25, 2007 8:42 pm

    Thank you Love!

    Girl, my prayer and hope is that it will definitely touch people…get them thinking…

    Ed, you’re right! I love each new day that I get to turn another page…it’s an exciting ride!

  13. October 28, 2007 8:19 pm

    Wow, Tam. I wish you lived down the street and I could invite you over for coffee on the front porch. 🙂 Your journey, and your openness about it, is going to speak hope and healing all over the place.

    “Don’t fear growing pains–fear the atrophy” I LOVE that perspective. Thank you.

  14. October 28, 2007 8:24 pm

    Did you say coffee? I would love to be able to sit and chat with all my blogging buddies some day. And sittin’ on a porch with you would truly be awesome!

    You have encouraged me tonight…thank you Kim!

  15. October 29, 2007 10:24 pm

    Ah, being still. That is what we have to embrace in order to allow God to mold us and shape us. The less I fight it the easier it is to embrace what God wants for me. I don’t always remember that, so the shaping can be some what painful. But God is merciful isn’t he? He reminds us all the time that we are his children that he loves. 1 John 3 joyful declares, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” Yea! That makes you my sister. I’m so proud of you Sister.

  16. November 1, 2007 2:30 am

    It’s good to have a plan. There is a theory that any plan, no matter how bad, is better than no plan at all.

  17. November 1, 2007 7:47 am

    Hov, In theory that sounds good – but for me personally, in this circumstance, it was not a very good plan. It proved to be such each day thereafter.

    But I do agree with planning your work and working your plan. Provided the plan has integrity of course.

  18. November 1, 2007 10:02 am

    It is only a theory.

  19. November 1, 2007 10:12 am

    Noted friend!

    Your house is looking great!!!

  20. November 1, 2007 10:18 am

    It’s a start. Many great things will occur as time goes by.

  21. June 28, 2008 2:51 pm

    I just read this…thank Love and Sherma…

    Keep writing that book, Tam, please.

    Sometimes I don’t want to grow anymore, it’s terribly painful. Right now I’m fighting the desire to run away from it all…yuck.

  22. July 21, 2008 6:16 pm

    you haven’t become beautiful – you were always beautiful in His eyes.

    …but maybe that’s what you meant about the blue print.

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