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My First Abortion

December 30, 2007

book1.jpg

The appointment was made and the day came quickly. I don’t remember much before the I.V. I guess the details were small enough that I’ve just forgotten. But the I.V. and the Doctor I will never forget! First of all Helga the blind nurse with a nerve disorder administered my I.V. Some things just stay with you. Her hair was in a bun and she had bumpy lips. I remember her lips so well because I couldn’t understand a word she said which left me watching her mouth when she spoke. I may have been the very first person she ever poked with a needle.

Just before I met the anesthesiologist who would, thankfully, put me to sleep for the procedure, I met the Doctor for the first time. I don’t recall his name but I remember his face and his voice. He had deep blue eyes and his skin was pitted. He was very pale, possibly dead. His voice was dull and dreary; monotone in fact. He appeared bored. I was just another number in his appointment book. However, he did hold my hand while explaining to me what would take place while I was sleeping. The doctor informed me he would be using the vacuum procedure. Before that week I had never heard of it. He went on to explain how he would dilate my cervix then vacuum the “fetus” out. He said I would experience some cramping for the first few days and to expect some mild to moderate bleeding for a couple weeks afterwards. Then I would be back to “normal”. “Any questions?” he asked. No, I just thought to myself, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I didn’t even have the chance to grasp or comprehend what the doctor just explained to me. Before I knew it a man in white was counting me off to sleep. The last words I heard were, “Soon it will be all over”. The next words I heard were, “It’s all over!” Well that’s great…I suppose.

I have had many surgeries since where I’ve been under anesthesia. Each time I’ve awakened without commotion. At times I’ve been cold and shaky but mostly happy, but not that day. Before the surgery I was full of fear, quiet, cooperative. But I woke up a different person. I was full of anger. It was anger beyond my control. An anger so raging that I actually slapped the nurse’s face that arrived with the puke bucket just in time. I remember looking around and seeing several other girls just waking up or recovering. I was so enraged at them for being there. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I just wanted to be alone and go home. The nurses wouldn’t leave me be. They insisted on helping me. I didn’t want to be helped. The more they tried the angrier I became. I’m sure no one was in danger, but I could still yell so I tried that too! That’s when I was moved to a private area. They moved me to a very small, stark white and cold room. A nurse sat in a chair, safe in the corner, to monitor me but left me completely alone. And that’s where I would stay for the next couple hours, alone and crying, exactly what I wanted. The pain was unbelievable. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. They could’ve left me for dead and I’d have been entirely fine with that.

I had no idea how drastically the course of my life just changed. All things that were to come and all decisions I was yet to make would be affected as a result of that one afternoon. I didn’t realize that day my life would never be the same. A 16 year old girl, changed forever.

70 Comments leave one →
  1. December 30, 2007 8:06 pm

    tam i really don’t have the words. psalm 130 just shouts out to me all of the time. thank you for your courage and for being so transparent. people need it. there are girls that need to know the rich forgiveness of Jesus. He is like no other. I love you tam! you are a beautiful display of His splendor

  2. garmentofpraise permalink
    December 30, 2007 8:07 pm

    Wow. Wow. Wow….that’s all I can really say. I really just want to throw my arms around you, and hug you, even though I’ve never met you, are just getting to know you, and probibly wouldn’t know you if I passed you on the streets. You’ve moved me. You really moved me. You have a story, and God is SO going to do GREAT THINGS with your story. I love you. Wow.

  3. December 30, 2007 8:11 pm

    I had that decision to make a few years ago and chose life. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through. The Lord works in sometimes what seems to be strange ways. Blessings to you for your courage!

  4. December 30, 2007 8:36 pm

    Thanks friends! I would not be able to write this book or share any of this if it weren’t for Gods redemptive power, forgiveness, grace and mercy. The things He has shown me through and because of this have been life changing and altering. I am so humbled and grateful and eternally indebted to Him!

  5. December 30, 2007 8:40 pm

    That is powerful reading it. I felt like I was there with you while I read your encouter. I felt like I could see the nurse and the dr. and I felt like I could feel the rage you felt in slapping the nurse and screaming until they put you in a room to cry.

    (((hugs))),
    ~Amy

  6. December 30, 2007 8:43 pm

    Girl, I am SO proud of you!!!
    I am speechless, and I really AM…
    I miss you, I miss our chats, and I will hopefully
    have my life back soon enough,
    it just keeps getting more stuff piled on…
    Oh to spend one day by myself!
    I love you, and I’ll write you soon:)

    Ang

  7. December 30, 2007 8:44 pm

    Hi Amy! It’s good to see you!

    Well I’m glad you didn’t have to be there, that’s for sure! Thanks for the hug!

  8. December 30, 2007 9:13 pm

    You are one brave soul! Thats why I love you and love reading. As I sit here in tears…literally….I am so taken by your courage to discuss the un-discussable. I pray that someone who needs to hear this message hears it. I pray it changes someone and their decision. Cause yes….it is a life changing decision and afterwards you will never be the same.

    Thank you, thank you, than you, for sharing that with all of us.

  9. December 30, 2007 9:15 pm

    Gretch, I hope they’re happy tears cause God is so good! And so quick to heal the wounded and all our self inflicted ones too!

    Thanks for your encouragement! I pray too that at least one person will come across this and save a life!

    Love you friend!

  10. December 31, 2007 5:27 am

    Love Love Love YOU! God is good to bring us out of darkness into HIS marvelous light! I am proud to call you my sister and my friend!

  11. December 31, 2007 6:24 am

    Tam,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It is awesome to see where God has led you over the years. Keep growing in your faith.

    <

  12. December 31, 2007 7:21 am

    Love your honesty and love hearing stories of how God redeems us from the places we find ourselves!

    Happy New year!

  13. December 31, 2007 11:31 am

    Tam, Thank you. Abortion is often painted as a minor procedure…no big deal. I would like to know more about your experience. Your title, “My First Abortion” leads me to believe you’ve had more than one. I don’t know alot about it but I’ve heard the statistics are that women who have one abortion will usually have mutiple abortions. I’ll have to locate that information.

  14. December 31, 2007 11:55 am

    Yes, I’ve had 2. I have read the same statistic as well. I’m writing a book about it and linked to the post, in this post, where I talk about the book specifically.

    It is SO NOT a minor procedure. It was my 2nd one that caused unending physical and health problems. I definitely invited my own thorn in my side. But God healed me in a way that I never expected!

  15. December 31, 2007 12:17 pm

    wow…thanks tam…finish that book already…

  16. December 31, 2007 2:15 pm

    Hey Tam, thanks for the response. I read about the statistics after a friend of mine told me she had, had 2 abortions.

  17. December 31, 2007 2:19 pm

    The thing is, is there are more women around us than we think who’ve had an abortion. They carry their secret and live under the weight of it. And there is definitely a lot of weight to carry from such a decision. How is your friend? Hope you’re having a great New Years Eve!!

    Klampert, thanks! And I am working on it 😉

  18. December 31, 2007 3:02 pm

    I think that would have been one of the toughest choicest in life a person can make.

  19. Heidi permalink
    December 31, 2007 3:06 pm

    I found myself gazing at my laptop, looking and re-reading the words of this story. As I looked up, I couldn’t think of anybody else to call then my sister. She has had 3 abortions, she does not follow the Lord like I do. She actually doesn’t believe in anything. The three abortions, (one just happened 2 months ago) has torn our relationship apart. Because she says its no big deal. It’s just an inconvience. To me of course, it’s life. But even if she believes that way, I still need to love on her eventhough she pushes away. Thank you friend for being open and sharing this. maybe down deep someone is dealing with her and I need to be there.
    Love you Tam!!

  20. December 31, 2007 3:16 pm

    Mikster…thanks for stopping by friend! Ya know, I’m ashamed to say, although it was a tough situation to go through – It wasn’t a tough decision for me to make at that time. I was only concerned about me and my comfort. Period. I didn’t care about the life I snuffed – only about the “quality” of my own…The 2nd one was quite a bit different though… But how different I am now! Totally renewed!

    Heidi…YES…reach out to her! Trust me, trust me, she is feeling something. Don’t let her decision put a wedge in between you both. This isn’t about you (I say that lovingly) this is about extending the same love, mercy, grace and compassion that the Lord extends so freely to me and you AND her… I know you will be there for her – don’t give up! I love you too!!

  21. Brandy permalink
    December 31, 2007 4:29 pm

    *tears* Love you. 😉 Always have.

    “The thing is, is there are more women around us than we think who’ve had an abortion….” SO TRUE!

    A woman I have been friends with for years, even babysat all four of her children when they were babies (all grown now), just this past summer told me she had had two abortions before she and her husband got married. The babies were theirs together too. I think we ALL know someone who has had one and don’t even realize it.

    Love the book pieces….keep ’em coming! 😉

  22. December 31, 2007 8:46 pm

    I am amazed at your power to relay your story. I’m so so so sorry, but am humbled by your beautiful spirit. Going through what you did may haunt you your whole life, but in sharing it you’re going to impact so many lives. So in essence one life is gone, but many others may be spared due to your testimony. I pray God uses you for His will in many other women’s lives. God bless you Tam. All I can say is wow…I’m blown away. We need to talk soon. We’ve got so much in common.

  23. January 1, 2008 6:30 am

    Hi Tam, thanks for stopping by and visiting the puppies and me. 🙂
    I read your blog post and I’m one of the many that knows how you feel. Wish I didn’t.
    I am glad that you are redeemed and rescued.
    Bless you and yours,
    Diane Meyer

  24. January 1, 2008 7:04 am

    Rev.12:10,11
    “now have come the salvation and the power and the Kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers (and sisters), who accuses them day and night has been hurled down. They (Tam and Darla and all others who know the redeeming power of Jesus) overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their TESTIMONY….”

    Girl you are an overcomer, and we had to live through these things for a day like today to give HIM glory! GLORY!!! we overcome by the blood of Jesus and the words of our testimony! Love you my sister!

  25. January 1, 2008 7:13 am

    forgot the one thing I originally came here for!

    Happy New year!!!!!!! another day closer to June!

  26. January 1, 2008 7:19 am

    There’s nothing more powerful than truth. We should all be so honest.

  27. January 1, 2008 7:30 am

    Wow Tam… wow… very powerful and very much needed to be said.

  28. January 1, 2008 8:08 am

    Hey Tam. Happy New Year.

    That is powerful. I know God will use it for life and restoration and healing. Keep it up. The pain of it must be hard but GOd is good and faithful.
    Much love,
    ANgela

  29. January 1, 2008 9:35 am

    Tammy, I think your book will help many, many girls and women, and probably save many lives as well. Thanks for being willing to share something so personal for the benefit of others. What an inspirational story you are! We love you!

  30. Momma Jen permalink
    January 1, 2008 11:05 am

    WOW!! I read your blog in tears… I can’t even begin imagine the pain you’ve gone through! Thank you for sharing such an experience – I look forward to reading your book.
    God’s redemption, grace & love still overwhelm me!

    PS – Can I have your email address?? I wanted to email you something that I think is a bit lengthy for your blog…

  31. January 1, 2008 4:04 pm

    Tam, you have a way with your words that I can feel it. I know the Lord will and has used you to reach lives and even save lives.

    Psalm 1:1-3
    1 Blessed is the man
    who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
    or stand in the way of sinners
    or sit in the seat of mockers.

    2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

    3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
    and whose leaf does not wither.
    Whatever he does prospers.

    Blessings in Christ–

  32. January 1, 2008 7:50 pm

    Wow… thank you for sharing that powerful story. I am looking forward to reading your blog more!
    God Bless, Carmen

  33. January 1, 2008 11:46 pm

    Thank you to everyone here. Your comments of encouragement and support mean the world to me. When I read through them I am very humbled. This whole process is very humbling, but in a good way. I am also extremely inspired by your wisdom, the scriptures you share and your own experiences. Thank you for sharing so much with me. Together this is going to be an incredible adventure. thank you all for being such a big part of it!

  34. January 2, 2008 5:39 pm

    oh tam.
    wow….
    wow.

    i just don’t even have words. but i wanted you to know that i’m reading this stuff….

    love you

  35. January 2, 2008 7:18 pm

    Hi Tam,
    Thanks for the New Years wishes…
    I stumble on to your blog, from Randy Alcorn’s and this is what I find? Wow! Thank you for your transparency and your openness. I have only felt the other side of the story, it was a blessing to hear it from the female’s perspective.
    Sean

  36. Alisha permalink
    January 2, 2008 11:19 pm

    I remember when you told me you were going to write a book. Your story is amazing-this book will be huge in helping others. You are so brave. Thank you for being such a great example of courage for me. I think the world of you.

  37. January 3, 2008 11:20 am

    Tam,

    Wow girl. My eyes are tearing up. Thank you for sharing this with us. I can’t wait to see how God is going to bless this book for others.

    Love ya!

  38. January 3, 2008 1:54 pm

    Tam,
    My friend under went some counseling. She described a type of memorial service they had to remember the baby. I honestly think she has deeper issues than the abortions…there were some deep issues that lead up to that point.

    I would say to Hiedi who posted about her sister. Maybe it would be better not to talk to her about the abortions until she is ready to talk. The best thing you can say to her is “No matter what, Jesus loves you and accepts you”. The guilt and shame associate with abortion often places a wedge between individuals and God (all sin creates a wedge but the guilt of this act is extremely heavy). Even women who have chosen abortion are valuable to God. He loves them and wants them. That is message you don’t hear very many “pro-lifers” saying.

    And in closing (have I started preaching??)… So many Christians want to “fight” abortion politcally. The fight to end abortion starts with the hearts of the women and mothers in this country. Our goal should be to turn the hearts of these women to thier children. A woman with a heart for her child would not terminate. It’s a heart issue not a political issue.

    I heart a preacher on the radio today say “we were called to save the fish not clean the fish bowl.”

  39. January 3, 2008 1:55 pm

    Tam, it looks like you found a “hot topic”. (lots of responses)

  40. January 3, 2008 2:47 pm

    Wow! Praying that your book will touch the hearts of lives of people and give them the courage to choose life.

    We need to consider how we can help the young woman beyond talking her out of an abortion. Who will be there to talk to her a 2am, or take her to a doctor’s appointment, or babysit, or buy diapers? It has to be more than words because actions speak loudest!

  41. January 3, 2008 4:02 pm

    Wow friends! There is so much wisdom in all of you. So many great questions and thoughts here. I love it!

    Exactly, what ARE we doing to help these women after the fact? What else can we be doing as a community to help prevent these women and couples for getting to this point in the first place. And I DON’T think our young girls are learning anything positive or constructive in their schools on this subject. And I just might post something on that later on…

    I am speechless by your comments. I wish I had all of you in one room with me to just sit and discuss! That would be incredible!

    Thanks for all your support and knowledge and shared wisdom!

  42. January 3, 2008 4:04 pm

    I love you.

  43. January 4, 2008 9:36 pm

    This is crazy… awesome…. incredibly transparent.

    Can’t wait to get the book.

  44. January 4, 2008 10:28 pm

    BuddyO, thanks! I can’t wait to finish it. I feel like I’ve hit a wall…

    Amy, I love you too friend!

  45. January 5, 2008 4:42 am

    Wow! Your honesty in sharing this is amazing! And so many will say that after the procedure is over, it’s done. Finished. But it sounds like it’s never “over”…

    I see the word “book” and now must go and dig deeper in your blog to offset *some* of my ignorance! =D

  46. January 5, 2008 10:02 am

    Big hugs to you, Tam. Thank you so much for sharing this so vividly … I ached for you, reading this, wanting so much to protect that 16-year-old girl from the pain and from what had led up to this event, but I know God has used this powerfully in your life, and through you … and His work has only just begun.

  47. January 6, 2008 6:50 pm

    This is amazing…I’ve never read anything like it. Get this book out there!

  48. January 6, 2008 7:05 pm

    Crossview…No, it really never is “over” like you said. But it doesn’t have to be torture either. The key is forgiveness. Accepting, and believing, Gods forgiveness AND forgiving yourself…which sometimes is the hardest part.

    Faith, i am so glad you’re back! God has indeed used this experience very powerfully. He has already saved lives through this…that is so awesome!!! Thank you for your friendship!

    Mum, can I call you mum? 😉 I am working hard on it this year. No more delaying. No more fear or self doubt…I’m done with the enemy’s lies! Ooo – that feels good! Thanks for coming by…I totally love yours and Cool Dads blog – so fun!

  49. January 7, 2008 8:47 pm

    wow.

  50. January 9, 2008 8:41 am

    Thank you for haveing the courage to share this story.

  51. convincedyet permalink
    January 9, 2008 2:30 pm

    God has certainly used you in my life and I’m so greatful, because part of the women I am today is well… because of you. I love that you have never been afraid to share with me the growing pains you endured. It makes you real. I love that about you, and pray our friendship will always have deep roots. I love your honesty.

  52. January 9, 2008 9:50 pm

    (((hugs))) Your testimony will speak volume throughout the generations sweetie.

  53. charitymedders permalink
    January 11, 2008 5:45 pm

    hi tam…i really have no words to say that can fully express what im thinking…this post was amazing. thanks so much for sharing and your honesty…i love your blog!

    charity

  54. January 12, 2008 9:46 pm

    I love you. a lot.

  55. January 13, 2008 5:07 pm

    I love you too! forever and a day (just in case)

  56. January 24, 2008 10:27 am

    I wish I was your father, I wish I was close by, I wish I could hug you – I wish ….

  57. Lori permalink
    January 24, 2008 6:03 pm

    Hi Tam,

    Found you through CECWorship…

    Check out justlori.wordpress.com. I posted a letter to my child, one that I aborted.

    Bless you for your courage, and your candid openess. After 23 years, I am just now learning how to face my own reality.

  58. January 25, 2008 11:45 am

    Tam – did you get my email in response to your comments?

  59. January 25, 2008 1:32 pm

    Papa, I just found it. It got lost in a different file. I just emailed you.

  60. May 12, 2008 4:36 pm

    Thank you for being a real person that people can truly relate to!

  61. May 12, 2008 6:16 pm

    so, I linked over here looking for info on this book you’re writing…thinking it would be some great “how to blog” book, but I found the rich words that inspire feelings of grace and forgiveness wrapped up in a rough cloak of authenticity and genuineness. As a professional in social work and counseling, I beg of you to write this book – I already have the perfect person for it.

  62. June 28, 2008 4:58 am

    Bless you, Tam. You’ll do well.

    He’s with you.

    [PS: You write extremely well. ]

  63. July 21, 2008 1:54 am

    i love you for your brokenness wrapped in His wholeness.

Trackbacks

  1. Sanctity… « M A G N A N I M I T Y
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