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It’s A Girl!

February 10, 2008

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Monday April 18, 1994 5:52 p.m. I delivered a tiny miracle baby girl, one month early. There were no complications during the delivery. The only people in the room were my doctor, a nurse, Brent and me. It was quiet, almost too quiet. There seemed to be heaviness in the room something only I was aware of.

The minute she was delivered I looked to see her in my Doctors hand and I said, “Isn’t God good?” The doctor replied, “I was just thinking the same thing”. Immediately after those words I felt a tremendous darkness come over me. When I think about it even now I can recall very well that lost and frightened feeling. It was as if I wasn’t even there. That wasn’t me in that bed and that certainly wasn’t my baby next to me.

I’ve heard all through my life the minute you see your newborn child you instantly bond with her. There’s an immediate connection that is unlike any other in your life. I kept staring at my newborn while they cleaned her up, weighed her and exclaimed over and over how perfect she was, wondering when that “moment” would happen. But I felt nothing, at least nothing good. I wasn’t feeling the waves of overwhelming love and connection. I wasn’t anxious to take her home and dress her up in all her new little fashions. I didn’t even want to hold her.

Then they brought her to me and I thought, ok…maybe I’ll feel differently when she’s in my arms for the first time. The nurses propped me up, gave me a brief lesson in holding a newborn and then held her out to me. But I didn’t reach out for her. Finally they placed her in my arms. I could barely look at her. I don’t know if I resented her for being chosen, or if I was simply so burdened with guilt that I was too undeserving.

Certainly with her being early we ran the risk of complications and God could snatch her away from us. Surely I would have deserved that with having snuffed the lives of 2 other babies. I clearly had no concept of God’s love and forgiveness.

But through it all I never let on of any problem. I quickly became very depressed within hours of the delivery. I managed to hide it all. Nighttime was the worst. Anyone who has dealt with depression knows how dreadful the “dark” hours are.

After 3 weeks I couldn’t bear it any longer and had a “coming out” party. I just simply admitted one evening I was depressed. Post Partum Depression. I got some wise counsel from my in-laws and truly did feel a release. I know now that God was tenderizing my heart preparing me to come clean of my 2 little secrets. It was a small but monumental moment in my life. Although I still did not tell Brent about the abortions God began that night revealing Himself to me through my newborn daughter.

As the depression began lifting from me, I held Kass in my arms, and for the first time I really looked at her. How marvelous she was! So fearfully and wonderfully made! She smiled for the first time while I held her. Brent maintains it was gas. But as I looked down at her face it wasn’t her that I saw at all. I saw the face of Jesus. It was as if through her smile He comforted me. And I knew then, I was under construction. The transformation had only just begun. I spent the next several months praying and reading God’s word. Seeing things I’ve seen before for the first time! It was as if God gave me new eyes.

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30 Comments leave one →
  1. February 10, 2008 6:51 pm

    ah Tammy! Reading this made my heart ache and my chest feel heavy. I think the experience is different for everyone, and hard for a lot. I didn’t connect with Dylan for a week after he was born. A lot of what you describe, I felt, but I can’t imagine the weight of everything else you were experiencing on top of that. 😦

    I never knew that Brent didn’t know about the abortions BEFORE you got married. For some reason I always thought he knew beforehand.

    You have come a long way my friend. 😀 Love you. 😀

  2. February 10, 2008 6:55 pm

    I don’t feel worthy to be making one of the first comments. But I will try – When my daughter gave birth to her first I bawled and bawled Tam. I never thought after how she was beat and abused by her first husband that she could ever have children. But God saw different – she is a wonderful mother. God specializes in miracles in our lives Tam. Thanks for sharing. God loves you Tam!

  3. February 10, 2008 6:59 pm

    Yes! God has transformed me! That moment of revelation was my new beginning. That moment, I began thinking differently. Seeing clearly. Understanding more. I was ready.

    I told Brent about 5 months later. I know…it still took awhile, but I was gaining the courage. I’ll post that moment sometime too.

    Depression is so scary. As you know. It’s so hard to describe to someone else unless they’ve experienced it. Kind of like trying to explain spiritual things, faith, God in our lives.

    It was sooo good to see you at church today. And Owen looks so happy and healthy! Your boys are adorable! Good job!

  4. February 10, 2008 7:12 pm

    Papa, thank you for sharing that. What a beautiful picture of man meaning harm and it being turned into good and a blessing. Wow!

  5. February 10, 2008 7:49 pm

    It was good to see you today too! 😀 It was good to HEAR you today too! 😉 So pretty.

    It is hard to describe to others how depression feels, and the evil thing about depression is it tells you no one will understand anyway, that you are alone. So far from the truth. My aunt and I were just talking about this two days ago, how hard it is to explain to those who’ve never gone through it. 😦

    I’m anxious to read the post about when you told Brent. I think that one will be a tear jerker, in a very good and loving way. 😀

  6. Cheryl permalink
    February 10, 2008 8:36 pm

    Wow Tam…that was powerful…It is hard to describe depression to others who haven’t gone through it…except to say that it feels like perpetual, relentless mourning. But it is amazing to see the way the Lord speaks to us in the unexpected moments.

    Sorry we missed seeing/hearing you all…Sick kiddoes here…:(

  7. February 10, 2008 8:42 pm

    I’ve missed you Cheryl! It seems I haven’t seen you in so long. Sorry you’re kiddos are sick 😦

    You described depression quite well actually! It felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. When I was in the throws of it, it felt like I would never ever be able to escape its hold.

    Bran, Pretty? Gee, thanks 😯 But Nessa! Hello!!! I could listen to her all day!

  8. February 10, 2008 9:28 pm

    This was absolutely breathtaking. thank you.

  9. February 10, 2008 10:18 pm

    Joe, I marvel every time I look at my children. Every time. They are a beautiful picture of His grace and mercy. His forgiveness! HE is breathtaking! Some times I feel like I could drown in tears of gratefulness…

  10. February 11, 2008 1:07 am

    Okay yeah well she is AMAZING and really the world should hear her voice, but give yourself some credit lady, you’re up there singing right next to her. 😉

    Hey Cheryl, your kiddos are sick?? I am sorry. 😦 I hope they get better soon! *praying*

  11. February 11, 2008 7:15 am

    Tam, this is an awesome part of your book! Thanks for sharing with us. I felt that same anxiety/seperation from my first child at birth, But I was single, and tragedy seemed to my shadow, and I think for me I was scared to love her, that there was something wrong with heart and I didn’t know how to love and take the risk that they may leave me. Thank God HE has been such an intense heart doctor to me.
    Love you!

  12. Gretch-a-sketch permalink
    February 11, 2008 7:20 am

    Oh Tam, thank you for sharing that. I myself went through Post Pardem Depression and I know that feeling of that kind of darkness. I thank God for people like you who are so willing to share their stories. To share where they have been and where God has brought them to. Its amazing what God can do when we are in the darkness. He hears out cries. This morning I was re-reading the story about the woman who reached out and touched Jesus’ cloak. He turned and asked who touched Him and she spoke up. Its when we “speak up” or “cry out” to Him that He can turn to us and say…Today my child you are healed through your faith.

    Thanks again for sharing this Tam.

  13. February 11, 2008 7:40 am

    I love your candid openness Tam. You are a strong, faithful woman.

  14. February 11, 2008 8:39 am

    Ok, I am not suppose to cry at work and you just about did me in. Isn’t it amazing the way God uses children in our lives. I don’t think I really understood love until my children. I haven’t had the struggles that you have had and I still felt guilt as a mother. I still struggle sometimes. This isn’t the life that I wanted to give my children. In spite of my intentions, dreams, whatever, God has blessed us beyond compare. From the looks of it, He has done the same with your family.

  15. February 11, 2008 8:48 am

    Wow, Tam. I’m not sure how to comment. Wow… this really moved me. Thank you for sharing this part of you. You are beautiful inside and out.

  16. February 11, 2008 9:43 am

    love these posts….. love you!

  17. February 11, 2008 9:50 am

    How endearing is your spirit dear friend?? Each day you amaze me with what you bare and let us all read…God is truly using your blog to reach across this world and touch people. That’s too cool. And your daughter is amazing!

  18. February 11, 2008 9:53 am

    I enjoy reading these posts. I often don’t comment because I don’t know what to say, but I am glad you post these…and I’m glad God redeems our pasts.

  19. February 11, 2008 10:06 am

    Good Morning everyone! God gets all the glory and credit for this transformation. He did a big work in me and chose to reveal his goodness and mercy and grace in spite of who I was…In spite of who I am. Much like He has, and still does, for all of us here 🙂 We all have something we can share with others that will reveal Him and His goodness!

  20. February 11, 2008 10:12 am

    Oh girl. Been there too. I completely know what that is like. I am also praising God for His wonderful redeeming work. Thanks for your transparency.
    Much love,
    Angela

  21. February 11, 2008 7:22 pm

    I came over from blessed1’s site and I can see why she considers you one of her favorites! What an amazing and inspiring story of your life’s transformation!

  22. February 11, 2008 8:58 pm

    What a powerful entry! I can’t wait to read the rest. I am so awed by how God works … and my heart totally goes out to you.

  23. February 11, 2008 9:51 pm

    That was beautiful. Thank you so!

  24. February 12, 2008 4:57 am

    What a powerful and emotional story. Thanks for sharing.

  25. February 12, 2008 3:16 pm

    What a wonderful testimony to the changes God has made in your life…don’t forget Philippians 1:6. God is ministering to many through your life and your blog and your tranparency! Thanks for teaching us!

  26. February 13, 2008 7:53 am

    God’s healings and transformations are mind blowing. What a work of God’s grace and mercy you are (as we all are in different ways, I suppose!)

  27. February 15, 2008 12:07 pm

    Your testimony strikes a very familiar chord from the past, reminding me of how far I had fallen and how much He has done and continues to do! With Him all things are possible. Thank you for the reminder.

  28. June 28, 2008 4:45 am

    I
    am
    speechless.

    God bless you…

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