It’s A Girl!

Monday April 18, 1994 5:52 p.m. I delivered a tiny miracle baby girl, one month early. There were no complications during the delivery. The only people in the room were my doctor, a nurse, Brent and me. It was quiet, almost too quiet. There seemed to be heaviness in the room something only I was aware of.

The minute she was delivered I looked to see her in my Doctors hand and I said, “Isn’t God good?” The doctor replied, “I was just thinking the same thing”. Immediately after those words I felt a tremendous darkness come over me. When I think about it even now I can recall very well that lost and frightened feeling. It was as if I wasn’t even there. That wasn’t me in that bed and that certainly wasn’t my baby next to me.

I’ve heard all through my life the minute you see your newborn child you instantly bond with her. There’s an immediate connection that is unlike any other in your life. I kept staring at my newborn while they cleaned her up, weighed her and exclaimed over and over how perfect she was, wondering when that “moment” would happen. But I felt nothing, at least nothing good. I wasn’t feeling the waves of overwhelming love and connection. I wasn’t anxious to take her home and dress her up in all her new little fashions. I didn’t even want to hold her.

Then they brought her to me and I thought, ok…maybe I’ll feel differently when she’s in my arms for the first time. The nurses propped me up, gave me a brief lesson in holding a newborn and then held her out to me. But I didn’t reach out for her. Finally they placed her in my arms. I could barely look at her. I don’t know if I resented her for being chosen, or if I was simply so burdened with guilt that I was too undeserving.

Certainly with her being early we ran the risk of complications and God could snatch her away from us. Surely I would have deserved that with having snuffed the lives of 2 other babies. I clearly had no concept of God’s love and forgiveness.

But through it all I never let on of any problem. I quickly became very depressed within hours of the delivery. I managed to hide it all. Nighttime was the worst. Anyone who has dealt with depression knows how dreadful the “dark” hours are.

After 3 weeks I couldn’t bear it any longer and had a “coming out” party. I just simply admitted one evening I was depressed. Post Partum Depression. I got some wise counsel from my in-laws and truly did feel a release. I know now that God was tenderizing my heart preparing me to come clean of my 2 little secrets. It was a small but monumental moment in my life. Although I still did not tell Brent about the abortions God began that night revealing Himself to me through my newborn daughter.

As the depression began lifting from me, I held Kass in my arms, and for the first time I really looked at her. How marvelous she was! So fearfully and wonderfully made! She smiled for the first time while I held her. Brent maintains it was gas. But as I looked down at her face it wasn’t her that I saw at all. I saw the face of Jesus. It was as if through her smile He comforted me. And I knew then, I was under construction. The transformation had only just begun. I spent the next several months praying and reading God’s word. Seeing things I’ve seen before for the first time! It was as if God gave me new eyes.