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A Blogger Collaberation – Story #3

March 29, 2008

 I have no idea what to make of this weeks FIF. Wait! That makes 3 weeks in a row then! Crazy! All you all are 😉

I was getting ready to take my wife out for the evening when she said, “Honey does this make me look fat?” So I replied, but first thinking – ya know there’s never a good response to that question – here’s my shot “of a good healing”.  After the beating I replied that “You never looked more radiant and full of mercy”, why do you ask? Because I feel bloated and the mirror lies to all of us! Mirrors don’t lie, they never speak a word. But they still say things with pictures, like Alice In Wonderland. You are forgetting to take off that dirty rotten old apron. Now tell me honey, are we off to date or do you plan to serve up ghetto chicken? Mmmm….my favorite! Take me out to the ball game so we can see the Richard Simmons trading cards while eating Cracker Jacks and a ball of wax stuffed with Juju Beads. I saw a purple dinosaur that looked like Barney but it turned out to be a gum drop from Willy Wonka. After dinner my wife realized she had forgotten to press her husbands underwear. I guess it would be my underwear. Can I help said Vinny. I really want to know your secret. Fine! I often dream of Ronald McDonald eating at Wendys but dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire (Sumo Subway man, no fat, loaded with calories, and slathered, smothered and chunked) You still look fine sweetheart said the little angel on the left side of his shoulder. The little devil on the right shoulder said, Why me – I’ve never owned a pigeon! Wha?!!! Who’s talking about a pigeon?! But they are so yummy! And fit easily into my glove compartment or my brothers sock…and taste just like chicken. So I went to find my best pair of alligator skin Jimmy Choos that I bought my wife and tripped over my pink crocs…the blingage was heavy…and reminded me of stale popcorn without butter and the time when on Tuesdays we ate free sample at Hickory farms. But I really wanted a new adventure. So I painted my town red and blue with hints of fuschia wearing a kilt. No Honey Bee, juste at off kids menu tonight and play an accordion with a one armed….then he asked, “Has anyone seen Mama?!” The one armed accordion player stold your Mama! She was wearing pink tights and a baseball cap. She had a crazy tattoo of Hillary Clinton tattooed across her left buttocks and a tattoo of Monca Luinsky on the other. On her chest, “I love Papa”. And a tattoo of Burt Lancaster on her third butt cheek…which was sagging a bit and looked quite odd. The accordion player had 4 nose rings that made him whistle when he breathed …until she put her spanxx on. She pulled off her mask to stop the whistling. It was really Hillary in fatigues. Better look for snipers! They seem to follow her everywhere! They won’t get to her though, she said face down, Rambo didn’t make it! She has excellent secret service protection and helmet head hairspray with spittin mouthwash that scares bad guys, leaves her breath minty fresh like doggy nuggets on a pillow. Then she twirled around to find it dangling and slightly sparkley rear view mirror of her 76 Ford Pinto near the movie theater with a tub of rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub and off he sped, named Fred ran. Fred sped into Papa and said, “let’s go get Mama!” Hurry, call K.I.T.! Why not we just tune into another episode of Indiana Jones darling, Mama said. And Papa replied, cause I’m your Indiana baby! Wanta swing from the rafters? And Mama said, Swing from the rafters? Me Jane – You Tarzan! Don’t forget to take our horse with you and some stir fry. Wait! Hold on Papa! You have on my skirt again. You can’t swing in a skirt! Papa said, Don’t worry! This isn’t a skirt, it’s a loin cloth. I love pink loin cloths, Mama said, as she put on her two piece loin cloth. Hillary, swinging from her vine, wished she had a loin cloth too. Everyone turned their head while she sewed some leaves together. Many large leaves. Green. This is worse than Bosnia, she said. Oh No! Poison Ivy! Don’t sit there! Giggling, Mama and Papa swung away. Papa’s loin cloth blowing in the breeze. And enjoyed some fruit of the loom instead of loin cloth, not as scratchy, but much more constricting. Sniper fire!!! Hillary found them beside the garlic and the poison ivy ointment that she generously rubbed on Chelsea. She had no loin cloth. Snipers were scared away. Papa gallantly swooped Mama up to the nearest vine. BO (Barrack Obama) said, I have your back! You need to shave. It’s a jungle out here, Papa said as Mama pulled out the straight razor. She lathered his back with shaving cream. It took 3 1/2 cans! No, it was whipped cream. So they knew they had to find some Marachino Cherries. Come closer Mama, said Papa, as she thumped him on the head and said, Go to sleep! The next morning Papa woke up hairless. Women, you cut off my hair! He exclaimed. You emolliated me! No I didn’t, I just couldn’t find them beneath the children!

😯

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. March 29, 2008 12:02 pm

    Oh my! anyone out there an attorney??

  2. March 29, 2008 12:06 pm

    what is the funniest part to you Tam? I tell after you do! 😆

  3. March 29, 2008 12:07 pm

    Poor papa……

  4. March 29, 2008 12:14 pm

    There are SO many funny parts! I’ll name a few…

    Ghetto Chicken!
    Richard Simmons Trading Cards
    Cause I’m your Indiana Baby!

  5. March 29, 2008 12:33 pm

    What, no poop slingin’ monkeys?

  6. March 29, 2008 12:37 pm

    I love that too! “Cause I’m your indiana baby”

    “giggling, mama and papa swung off”

    oh yea I loved “Mrs Doubtfire(sumo subway man…)

    honestly most of it makes me laugh, and some of it leaves me scratching my head! hahahaha

  7. March 29, 2008 12:42 pm

    Yah, I’m startin to question the group of people i keep company with

    😐

  8. March 29, 2008 1:56 pm

    Where is mama when I need her – I am getting anxious to see those tattoo’s!

    1504 minutes and 23 seconds till she gets home !

  9. March 29, 2008 1:58 pm

    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………

    “no comment”

    😆 😆

  10. kassincahoots permalink
    March 29, 2008 2:19 pm

    Wow! I am sooooo confused right now, you have NO idea! How does it go from… I was getting ready to take my wife out for the evening… to…No I didn’t, I just couldn’t find them beneath the children!

    WOW!

  11. March 29, 2008 2:31 pm

    um….
    PLEEEEEZZZZZE tell me we WON’T be having a quiz on this. my reading skillz have just seeped outta my left ear.

  12. March 29, 2008 2:40 pm

    I just saw Chelsea Clinton on the news and all I could think of was the snipers being scared away because she had no loincloth 😯

  13. March 29, 2008 4:35 pm

    HUBS go to your room!

    Tam you can send him to his room anytime you want!

    love ya, hope you are still getting some rest, and feel better real soon..hahaha your crazy friend!

  14. March 29, 2008 4:39 pm

    Wow.

    I’m really glad I decided to join your “blog crew” a few weeks back. : )

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