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Healthy Insanity?

June 23, 2008

A good friend just sent this list to me. You may have seen it around already. But here you go anyway…


A Few Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.

Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana’

Finish All Your sentences With ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy’.

Skip Down The Hall Rather Than Walk And See How Many Looks You Get.

Order A Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat, With A Serious Face.

Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.

Sing Along At The Opera.

Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You Have A Headache.

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

Ok. What tips would you add?

(please remember the prayer list below)

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48 Comments leave one →
  1. June 23, 2008 1:39 pm

    I can’t think of any because I’m laughing to hard! I have to learn to not look at this when I’m at work!!!

  2. June 23, 2008 1:50 pm

    the “prophecy” one and “letting the kids go” are my favorites! I’ve been laughing all day to myself because of those!

  3. June 23, 2008 2:12 pm

    I’m a fan of the diet water, as well as the “for Marijuana” one. Haha.

  4. Heidi permalink
    June 23, 2008 2:12 pm

    No diet water is hilarious!!!
    or the ATM one.

    How come you do this to me at the time I’m in my car working. I cannot pee?? Oh here’s a Shell station.

    I gotta run.. (excuse the pun) Love you

  5. June 23, 2008 2:51 pm

    I think my husband must have this list somewhere…

    or maybe he authored it. 😯

  6. June 23, 2008 3:29 pm

    OH MY GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!!! THOSE are simply HILARIOUS!! I loved them all…oh, and btw, saw your Twitter– can we trade kids? I’ll do that, ya know!!

  7. June 23, 2008 3:32 pm

    will you still be my friend when I tell you that I’ve done a few of these already?
    we’re now on the “unconditional?” stage.

  8. June 23, 2008 3:33 pm

    Too hilarious. I laughed out loud. It’s a good thing I’m my own boss and I won’t fire myself for reading blogs while I’m working!

  9. June 23, 2008 3:43 pm

    OCD – where should I ship him??? πŸ˜‰

    Stegall – this only means i love you more!!!!

    Heidi – i “aim” to please πŸ˜€

    i keep re-reading these and laughing even more.

    I have another….

    Pose next to a mannequin in a large dept. store and follow people with your eyes. (i’ve done this with my kids before…hilarious!)

  10. June 23, 2008 3:51 pm

    pretend that your picking stuff out of your kids’ hair and eat it in a public place.

  11. June 23, 2008 3:52 pm

    ahahahahahahahaaaaaa!

    HA!

  12. Heidi permalink
    June 23, 2008 4:02 pm

    @carrie… oh my gosh….. I’m laughing so hard. Hey I think I’m going to try this on my 17 year old night at the pizza parlor… wish me luck ……heheheheeeeee

  13. TheNorEaster permalink
    June 23, 2008 4:27 pm

    Man, that was FUNNY!!!

    “What tips would you add?”

    When eating at a fancy restaurant, ask the waitress if the ice is frozen.

    When attending a meeting and the boss asks, “Any questions?” Say, “Yeah. Hey, who cut your hair?”

    When taking a final exam in college–and the whole room is deathly quiet–just get up and start screaming and leave the room.

    When eating in a crowded restaurant with someone, say things like, “I took care of it. He won’t bother you no more, man. I took REEEEEEEAALL good care of it.”

    Get an old brown paper bag, fill it with peanuts, walk up to a complete stranger and say, “Here! Take it! Take it! THEY’RE AFTER ME!!!! OH NO!!! HERE THEY COME!!!! Look, no matter what happens, YOU NEVER SAW ME!!!”
    Then drop the bag and just run away really fast.

    If you ever have insomnia, walk to the local convenience store, buy a big bag of Doritos, sit outside on the curb, and start saying things like, “Oh, these taste so much better than my roommate!”
    (People will NEVER bother you again in the middle of the night!)

    When you’re walking next to someone who kicks a rock or a can or a bunch of leaves, look them straight in the eye and say, “You know, you really shouldn’t do that. Bagels have feelings, too.”

    Instead of saying, “Good morning” to someone you pass in the park, say, “Happy Birthday.”
    Ten times out of nine, they’ll say, “Thank you” just as casually as if you had said, “Good morning.”
    (Trust me on this! I’ve done it!)

    Okay. My head is empty now– 😯 –because I just made all that up.

  14. June 23, 2008 4:35 pm

    WHERE is a bowing emoticon when i need one?!!!

    Wow Nor! It must be exhausting up there in that head of yours!

    Hysterical!!!!

  15. TheNorEaster permalink
    June 23, 2008 4:43 pm

    πŸ˜‰

  16. June 23, 2008 4:46 pm

    I LOVE ordering the Diet water, and letting go of one of the children due to the economy….

    I have received this before in my inbox, but its always worth a good laugh!

    xoxoxo

    ivy

  17. June 23, 2008 4:50 pm

    oh nor, oh nor!!!! To you, I give all the accolades in all of blogdome!!!!

  18. June 23, 2008 5:49 pm

    Nor- love it!!!!!

    HEALTHY INSANITY – muahahahahaha…this is my address

  19. June 23, 2008 5:53 pm

    Ponderisms:

    In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

    Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  20. June 23, 2008 5:58 pm

    Set up a lemonade stand in your/cube office at work.

    Ride up and down the elevator at work with a cup and sign that says “Need change for the parking meter”

  21. June 23, 2008 6:26 pm

    mmm no wonder the co-workers stray from me… and why the schoolchildren flee… hmm

    http://suburbanconnoisseurs.wordpress.com/

  22. June 23, 2008 6:38 pm

    In the Darien branch of the bank I worked for there was a rich “eccentric” guy who come to the bank every Monday to make a deposit ( If you are rich and crazy you are “eccentric”. If you are poor and crazy you’re just crazy.)

    The branch manager told him to make himself “right at home”. That’s exactly what he did. He want to his car and came back with a picnic basket. He laid a blanket on the bank floor, took out a sandwich, and started having his own little picnic in the bank. When the guard came over he gave him an apple. The manager finally got him to move his “picnic” to the employee lounge.

    Under things I would like to see – in a busy street corner when the “Walk” sign goes on it says “Hop” instead. I wonder if any will?

  23. June 23, 2008 6:58 pm

    Do a tap dance for the neighbors? Uh, that’s all I got.

  24. June 23, 2008 7:31 pm

    Go to the electronics section in a store, grab a microphone, and say, “Noah…This is God! Build an ark!” My little brother did this once and you should have seen the looks we got.

    Get a vacuum hose and pretend to sing into it like it’s a microphone then pass it on the the next person…and turn the vacuum on. (My younger brother and I did this to my youngest brother once and we about died laughing…we thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.)

    When someone says they are going to take a shower ask them where they are going to take it.

  25. June 23, 2008 7:38 pm

    These are hysterical!!!! I wish I had such WONDERFUL ideas!!!

  26. June 23, 2008 7:57 pm

    Love these! I wish I had the guts to do a few of them!

  27. June 23, 2008 8:07 pm

    lol!! I have always said I wanted to put up to Burger King and order a Big Mac. And when they tell me I’m not at McDonald’s I will simply tell them that I know, but I want it “my way” just like their motto says… and my way is a Big Mac.

    Also I want to run up to someone at the airport and scream and say, “I can’t believe it!! I haven’t seen you in soooo long! I can’t to tell everyone I saw you! You look great!! WOW!! But I’m about to miss my flight and I have to run… Take care! Good to see you!” That poor person will try to figure out where they know you from for the rest of their life!!

    Oh… and one more thing… my friend actually did this. She was at Taco bell and asked them for a bean burrito with no beans. And once she asked them to poke holes in the beans so she wouldn’t get gas. πŸ™‚

  28. June 23, 2008 8:19 pm

    Hahahaha! I’ve always wanted to ask for a diet water! πŸ˜€

    Find someone sitting alone on a park bench, join them and then earnestly ask, “Can I have a meaningful conversation with you?”

    I once paid for about $15 of groceries entirely in change. That certainly got me a weird look… πŸ˜›

  29. ramsey72 permalink
    June 23, 2008 8:31 pm

    Those are funny….Sounds like the stuff my friends and I do. Like the other night we went to Sonic and ordered a chili dog but told them to hold the chili…..we thought it was funny. Then one of my friends ordered a naked Sundae……ice cream with nothing on it!

  30. June 23, 2008 8:34 pm

    Great list!

  31. June 23, 2008 9:09 pm

    Nyehehehehehehehehehehhehe!

    Hahahahahahaahahahahahahah!

    Hilarious! Love the atm.

    Hmm…

    Tell the waiter/waitress that their food is great. Then ask him/her if he’d like a taste.

  32. womanat35 permalink
    June 23, 2008 10:12 pm

    Hahahhaha! This is nice! I am having fun while reading. To think that I’m currently on duty at the mental ward. ahahhaha

  33. womanat35 permalink
    June 23, 2008 10:31 pm

    Thanks for making me laugh hardest today.

  34. June 24, 2008 12:37 am

    DO NOT!…. under ANY circumstances!…. suddenly!… Jump up out of your seat in ‘coach’ on a domestic Airline – point your fingers at your head like they were a pistol and shout ‘Take me to Cuba or i’ll blow his head off!”

    That might have been a fun gag in the 70’s – now it’ll just get you shot.

    You MAY like to hide near a row of parking meters and jump up and put a dime into one just before the council parking officer is about to write someone a ticket!

    or if you INSIST on appearing like an escapee from the nearest insane asylum to a bunch of random strangers ( who are human just like you, don’t ever forget…)…

    Wear a White shirt/blouse…. rough up your hair so it looks like you just wrestled with a grizzly bear… Smear a whole bottle of ketchup down the front and place a liberal amount around your mouth – smeared…

    And stand facing the doors at the back of an empty elevator you first took to the top floor and smile at everyone who tries to get in but stops suddenly and backs out !

    Remeber to cover up with a jacket before you enter the lobby or you may get a free ride to the police station.

    <B

  35. June 24, 2008 7:45 am

    in memory of George Carlin….. I offer the following:

    “Stand on line at the bank for a really long time… then, when you finally get up to the window, just ask for change of a nickel.”

    “Go into the dry cleaners and ask the man if he can remove the stain from one pair of pants and put it on another pair.”

    “Walk up to someone and say: ‘Excuse me, I have nothing to say.’.”

    “Go to the photography shop and ask to buy the pictures of other people hanging on the walls. Excuse me, how much for that heavy set couple in the window?”

    “Go to a dry cleaner, hand ’em a shirt and ask them to rotate the buttons. ”

    R.

  36. June 24, 2008 7:51 am

    I’ve seen this before, but it still brings a smile πŸ™‚

  37. June 24, 2008 8:36 am

    these are really funny. did you do any of these today? i can’t pick a favorite: coffee, zoo or hair dryer!

  38. June 24, 2008 8:40 am

    actually i like the atm one! πŸ™‚

  39. June 24, 2008 8:43 am

    danielle – i think im gonna go have a chat with my pastor and use this one

    “Finish All Your sentences With β€˜In Accordance With The Prophecy’.”

    is my favorite!

  40. June 24, 2008 9:00 am

    Oh you are good! Laughter is the people’s medicine! Thanks, rock on!

  41. June 24, 2008 11:11 am

    OH MY GOODNESS!! Those are hilarious! I laughed out loud at almost all of them.

  42. Amy permalink
    June 24, 2008 12:32 pm

    When I get “junk mail”, I fill the envelopes they send with scrap paper and flyers and mail it back to them.

  43. June 24, 2008 9:39 pm

    1. National Time Travel Day: Walk up to someone while making frightened glances over your shoulder and ask them what the date is. After they tell you, ask the year. When they answer, say “Then i’ve still got time,” and run off.

    2. When a phone soliciter calls you, ask them if they are interested in learning about the path to enlightenment offered by Scientology.

    3. Take a marble into a bathroom stall. Drop it on the floor and say, “Oh no! My glass eye!”

  44. June 24, 2008 9:42 pm

    odgie – Glass eye?!?!!! Hilarious!!!!

    amy – im doing that next time πŸ˜‰

    glad this is making people laugh. feels good, eh? πŸ˜†

  45. kassincahoots permalink
    June 25, 2008 11:19 am

    πŸ˜† πŸ˜† hahahaha! That’s hilarious. mom i love you!

  46. June 29, 2008 2:49 am

    Well, this is very funny post πŸ™‚ Thanks for laugh portion πŸ˜‰

  47. July 6, 2008 5:34 pm

    Okay, these are HILARIOUS and I am just now reading them b/c….I don’t know why? How did I miss this post? Seriously! I was searching for a different post of yours and this is the one that came up. Not the one I was looking for, but still funny! haha!!

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