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“my security” revisited

May 10, 2009

this weekend at TRF, pastor ron spoke on our identity. as he spoke about Christ being our Cornerstone, our sustainer, the One and constant structure in our lives, the One that nothing can destroy – i thought back to all my years i lived apart from God. how i searched endlessly for….something. something that i could depend on and trust. something to believe in. even into my walk with the Lord, i still searched.

then…i remembered a post i wrote quite a while back that i wanted to repost today…

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I will never forget the day it hit me. The day I realized, in a very powerful way, who I was and whom I wasn’t letting go of. My past, as twisted as it seemed, became my security. It was all I knew. In spite of this beautiful new life of mine I was still so attached to who I use to be. I carried with me every day my little secret. It had become a vital part of living. Removing it, to me, would’ve been equivalent to donating my lungs. My very breath. Something I could not survive without. To let go of my secret would be to let go of me. Exactly. And that was a horrifying thought. What would I do? Who would I be?

For many years I had long hair down to my waist. When people described me I was the girl with the “real long hair”. That was my identity. It also became my security. I enjoyed people noticing my long locks instead of me. I hid behind it all. Until the day when out of the blue I decided to cut it. I cut off my identity and security. It had become my counterfeit comfort. When it vanished I was left with two choices. I could either replace it with something else to hide behind or deal with the issue at hand. Why was I hiding? What was I hiding from? I came terribly close to replacing it with an eating disorder I had just two years earlier. It would’ve been so simple to invite it back having just had a child and a few extra pounds that I detested. Until, I remembered how tired and sick I constantly felt throughout my journey with anorexia. Besides, Brent was aware of my struggle with this disorder and would instantly spot its return. There seemed to be nothing for me to latch on to. But I needed something to be identified by, something that would take the focus off of me. But the Lord would have it no longer.

Shortly after removing my security blanket of hair I sat at home, alone with our daughter Kassidi who was 5 months old at the time, when suddenly I became weighed down with despair. I felt a stirring within me; an uneasiness about me. There was a heavy burden making its way to the surface and there was no stopping it. It was a rock bottom moment. I had been battling with the Lord that day, pleading my case before Him as to why I needed to protect my secret. God why can’t I just tuck it away? Why does any one need to know? All is fine, why disturb the peace? Then He responded, “Because there is no peace Tammy”. He revealed to me how tormented I was inside. How preoccupied I had become with my secret and the fear of it getting out. It owned me! Daily I dredged up the past and my abortions. It weighed powerfully on me each time I gazed at my daughter. I couldn’t look at her without thinking of what I had done. My thoughts so frequently stepped back to that abortion clinic, to the horrible things of my past. As a result God had been put in second place, or worse. As a matter of fact, He never had a chance at His rightful standing. I allowed my hang-ups to take precedence over what should have been God’s position in my life. I hit the ground. Everything within me gave out as I fell to the floor. With my head in my hands I wept and cried out to God, “I’m done! I cannot do this any longer!”

I remained there for what seemed like hours in brokenness. I had arrived at the end of Tammy’s road. Now it was time to merge onto God’s road. I’m not sure how much time passed before I remembered little Kassidi lying on the floor right beside me. I lifted my head from my hands and saw this beautiful creation, this stunning child, starring back at me. Looking into the eyes of the innocent I quickly accepted what I must do to become the mother she would ultimately need. From that moment on I no longer looked at her as a tool God may use to “get back” at me. I began to see her as a gift, an honor, a living example and proof of His unconditional love.

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38 Comments leave one →
  1. May 10, 2009 10:35 pm

    i feel like what i’m going through right now is going to shadow the rest of my life. in many ways it’s already becoming my new “identity”, and i don’t like it. i don’t want to be this person. i don’t want this to be real. it’s a daily struggle to remind myself that i am more than this. while it’s impossible to avoid this marking my life for the next while, i refuse to let it be all i’m known for, all that is remembered.

    • May 11, 2009 11:43 am

      you are full of strength and courage and determination. you are a dynamo woman who will make her own mark. who will not allow the mistakes of others to dictate and paint the picture of who you are. because yes, in your own words…”i am more than this.”

      yes you are!

  2. May 11, 2009 1:53 am

    Awesome post. I’m sorry I missed it the first time around.

  3. May 11, 2009 3:28 am

    Tam, I don’t usually get teary from reading, whereas just ask Diane about emotion-loaded TV and its effect on my tear ducts.

    Tonight was an exception.

    “I had arrived at the end of Tammy’s road. Now it was time to merge onto God’s road.” Death to self. Why do we fight against what we know is right?? Thanks for sharing this part of your journey (again, though of course, I missed it the first time you posted it too…so thanks for the re-tweet)

    • May 11, 2009 3:29 am

      Re-tweet? RE-TWEET??!?!! Oh my goodness. I’ve left my brain somewhere else today.

      Don’t say a thing…

    • May 11, 2009 11:46 am

      as long as your tears dont mess up your hair…im fine with that 😉

      “Death to self. Why do we fight against what we know is right?? ” because we are too afraid of being wrong…or for others to see that we were wrong. or maybe because we’ve convinced ourselves that living in mediocrity is just more simple. the transformation and change would be too much work, why bother.

      i dunno, david. but i bet if we all gathered in a room we could come up with hundreds of excuses. yet, there are no excuses.

  4. May 11, 2009 4:57 am

    I’ve read this before, but your “realness” is inspiring.

  5. Heidi permalink
    May 11, 2009 5:01 am

    am in this season right NOW. Pastor Ron’s message so moved me that I also posted about it today too.(jumping Rope)

    God told me during His message, I am ENOUGH. That my identity doesn’t mean I am a 42 year old business woman married for 20 years, and has 3 children. I AM SO MUCH MORE. So enough.

    Right now I am going through a Powerful, quite difficult, and learning experience with my 15 year son. It’s reminding me to see things at value. God’s value. People are already throwing my son aside (even loved ones) becuase he doesn’t fit in or he doesn’t go to church (yet).
    My son is in a battle. It’s a battle to stay alive.

    He needs a battlemaiden mom fighting and helping him find his “enough” or identity through a living God.

    love you Tam. Love your transparancey.

    • May 11, 2009 11:49 am

      not only praying for your son…but praying for you too sis. im excited for the day when you can look at all this and say, “God..be Glorified for what You have done…and continue to do.”

      and yet i know…even in the midst of the journey…He is glorified now…

  6. May 11, 2009 9:21 am

    love the person you are, Tam…

    I don’t know what else to say…

  7. May 11, 2009 9:36 am

    I am so grateful you brought your life to the light for so many reasons. For you and your peace. For the peace your story does and will bring to others. For the closeness it brings to your family. For the opportunity for us to get to love the whole you.

    And we do. We love the whole you.

    • May 11, 2009 11:56 am

      gitz, you and i are so much the same in this…in that we know that all the hardships weve gone thru can and should be used to minister to others. that it isnt just about us.

      and you my dear…are one of the finest examples of a woman who lives by this. so thank you!

  8. May 11, 2009 9:41 am

    Somehow I know my slapstick humor won’t quite make the cut for commenting here.

    Can I just say…

    wow.

    • May 11, 2009 11:57 am

      you know me…humor works around here.

      so…bring it!

  9. May 11, 2009 11:46 am

    Ok, Tam you’re freaking me out, you said our stories were similar before, but I had no idea how much!! I know exactly what you mean about the hair thing too….I was the girl with the long blonde hair…

    • May 11, 2009 11:58 am

      wow! and the mirror image continues…

      🙂

  10. May 11, 2009 12:20 pm

    No matter how many times I hear your story, and no matter what happens it always comes back to a simple, “I love you”….

  11. May 11, 2009 12:41 pm

    Your story is an inspiration to all of us.

    We spend the first part of our lives, which some never get past, searching for a faith we can anchor our lives on. We find that and we discover, re-discover, what will guide us to who we need to become.

    Everyday we choose who we will be that day. Some days that may seem like an impossibly hard choice. There are still times I just want to stay under the security of my blankets.

    If we listen to our soul/spirit, however we define it, then our faith will lead us to we need to be.

    Thanks again Tam for sharing your story.

    • May 11, 2009 10:46 pm

      i absolutely love your wisdom, ed! you have so much to share and offer all of us. thank you for always saying what you feel, sharing your words and heart. you add a lot to this home here 🙂

  12. May 11, 2009 12:50 pm

    You know, Tam, I keep thinking I’ve got my security blanket defined, I’ve let go and I’m moving on….

    Then, Life happens.

    And I’m back in a fetal position, wondering what to do next.

    He keeps bringing me back to Him…over and over and over.

    I’ve gotta love Him for that! He’ll never let go of me.

    Thankfully.

    • May 11, 2009 10:47 pm

      im glad you mentioned this, sis. we do replace one with something else, dont we? always hanging on to…something.

      hmmm…i might write about that…

      • May 12, 2009 9:04 am

        I think that would be a good follow-up…or follow-through…or something.

        I really don’t know if we’ll get it completely understood until we see Him face to face and then KNOW, for sure and for certain, that He is enough for ALL our fears!

        Completion in Him…

    • May 12, 2009 12:51 am

      i’m very glad my Sis and you BOTH can see that there is ALWAYS ‘something’ we ‘latch on to’ and then ‘replace’… always. Hopefully one day we realise just why it is we do that – then we have a chance of ending it and doing what we are supposed to be doing – learning how to live completely in alignment with Him – and not with ‘me’…. or whatever we try to pass off to ourselves as who we are – or want others to think we are… or let others ‘make’ us.

      I’ll be interested to see what you write…..someday 🙂

      <B

  13. May 11, 2009 1:53 pm

    i love you! you are an amazing woman! i have so much to learn from you.

  14. May 11, 2009 3:54 pm

    Ummm….I think that you are incredible. I am in that process currently. honestly, i dont feel like i am totally at my end. I think that i am continuing to hold on to Lynse…but i can feel that i am near the end. And that scares me. But it brings hope and encouragement that Jesus is waiting for me to do that…so that He can be the foundation. And it helps that i can see people who have gone through the process and are normal. ha!

    Thanks for being open and vulnerable.

  15. May 11, 2009 5:38 pm

    Tam – I keep asking why you are so special to mama and papa – its your heart and your openness! As I type this I here mama humming “just a closer walk with thee”.

    I love that woman!

    Love you too!

    Papa

    • May 11, 2009 10:50 pm

      papa – your words just hugged me. thank you.

      and i can just hear mama singing too. i remember when she sang me a beautiful song in my dining room…that was amaazing!

  16. May 11, 2009 9:27 pm

    I really needed to hear what you had to share.

    There has been a lot of brokenness in my life in the last year or so and to some extent I have accepted that as my reality and am so afraid to let it go. The funny thing is I know how life was for me before the brokenness took place; who I was; and what I was supposed to be doing. And none of that seems remotely close to where I am anymore.

    And your transparency about your baby encouraged me more than you know. I pray that when I look at my baby in 6 months I can feel the same strength, victory, peace, and power that God freely gives us as His children.

    I love you Tam. Thank you for touching me in such a profound way today.

    • May 11, 2009 10:51 pm

      hi precious…

      im so grateful these words ministered to you today. God is good. truly, He is.

      i emailed you…

      love you too, “les”;)

  17. May 12, 2009 1:45 pm

    Absolutely beautiful. Tears. Weeping. Thanks.

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