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more sex – important question

August 14, 2009

sex week.

will we ever recover from sex week?

a lot of stuff was talked about on matthews blog this week. but theres one more thing id like to see talked about…

what about the women, and some men, who have been sexually abused as children (even adults)? women who are now afraid of sex? women who, as little girls, only wanted their father or uncle to treasure her and not fondle her? what about those women now? theyre in marriages with suffering sex lives? their living each day with a tainted view of sex and what it is supposed to be like? theyre missing out on the beauty and oneness and safety it brings into the marriage relationship. what about them?

i was one of them. i worked through it on my own. i am very fortunate to have been able to sort all this out with God and my husband. but, sadly, a lot of people cant. or dont.

how do we speak to/for them?

12 Comments leave one →
  1. August 14, 2009 2:05 pm

    wow. that’s a hefty question. one i’m exploring right now in fact…
    coming back once i can collect some thoughts.

  2. August 14, 2009 2:39 pm

    Tam, as always that is a great question. To be totally honest, i am in that process right now of working it all out….i think it looks different for each woman/person because there are different fears, insecurities and emotions attached to it.

    I think the way you can speak to them is just what you said…you worked it out on your own, with God and with your husband…and from reading the convo yesterday it is clear that you have victory over that…i know for me it is just knowing that another woman has been there and that part of her life…and her marriage is no longer painful and redeemed.

  3. August 14, 2009 2:43 pm

    there’s a wholeness, a redemption, a full restoration that is only created through a heart that is willing to attempt healing – an attempt to find hope. I have a slew of books on this topic and have gone to several conferences…this gets my heart too. Dr. Diane Langberg has done much work, research and writing on this very topic:

    Dr. Langberg described child sexual abuse as “tentacles that reach throughout the adult life of the victim”

    (i’ll share my library when we’re neighbors. promise)

    • August 14, 2009 3:13 pm

      just curious….would this be helpful for a survivor working through healing or just someone who is counseling someone?

  4. August 14, 2009 3:28 pm

    That is a very tough but great question. I guess, because of the ministry that I am in, I see a lot of both men and women who were abused as children. I have my thoughts on resources but I will wait and look forward to the further discussion and Matthew’s response.

    • August 14, 2009 3:39 pm

      im anxious to see what your thoughts are, randy. thank you!

      and mpt comments on other peoples blogs??? hmmm. 😉

  5. August 14, 2009 3:38 pm

    brent and i were talking about something earlier. we saw a lot of responses from people stating they, or someone else, had issues with such and such in the bedroom or with physical contact and so and so forth…at mpt’s place. i understand that…but where did all that come from. it had to start from something. likely, something negative. so THAT is what needs to be addressed. so many people, hauling so much baggage. it is truly heartbreaking.

  6. August 14, 2009 4:50 pm

    “how do we speak to/for them?”

    You do it just as you have. You tell us that it is survivable…That we are not meant to be broken…That not all men are mean or into their own daughter.

    You hold us in your hearts and hands. You gently tell us to get over it..That is sucks but God wants so much more for us. You, by example show us that we too can be ok.

    That is “How you Speak To/For Us.”

  7. August 15, 2009 3:26 am

    There’s a woman who talks a lot about this in England called Maggie Ellis.

    I don’t know how we work through it all – I’m still working it all out (answers on a postcard God?)

    I guess we keep loving and speaking truth. Speaking truth is so important when you’ve grown up being told lies, manipulated or told you are telling lies or it’s your fault.

    Had lots of conversation in pub with friends tonight (me being the only Christian) about sex, relationships, STIs, masturbation, abuse. I guess when it comes to relationships we need to be gentle with each other and open up ourselves to communicate with each other.

    I could say lots more, but totally been distracted by a spider crawling around my bedroom…..(like literally)
    Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can’t wait to see your next post!

  8. August 15, 2009 8:22 am

    One that I can’t answer. But people that have your life experience can. Keep doing what you do!

  9. Heidi permalink
    August 15, 2009 9:40 am

    We cannot keep enabling this quiet agony for both men and women.

    We need to keep speaking life in it, find redemption, and healing. It’s a battle but I and others we can do it thru Him.

  10. Been there too permalink
    August 16, 2009 11:56 am

    Great question. Some of us grew up being abused, feeling disgusting, ashamed, used, and feeling like we could never be normal. But then again, you can’t be ‘normal’ when you don’t even know what that means. Some meet men who help them heal, others have the grand ‘luck’ of meeting those who perpetuate the notion that abuse is normal, that we don’t matter, that we deserve all we get. What’s normal? To the ones who never experienced real love and caring, normal needs to be discussed, to be open & honest, and to be framed in an entirely new perception by those around us. Healing can take place, but it’s difficult.

    I went from a very abusive (including sexual) childhood/teen to an abusive marriage. Will I ever consider trusting a man enough to be loved or to understand what sex really is supposed to be, or to be married ever again…in my case, I’ve pretty much written it off. I don’t think I ever want to take the chance. I’m in my 40’s and have never truly been loved. The only way I may even begin to consider even dating and allowing someone into my life is by hearing what is truly ok, truly ‘normal’, truly love…and that can only happen when people, like people in these blogs, are brave enough to be honest and share their stories. Keep talking…you give people hope…

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