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i am sorry

September 1, 2009

i considered not writing this post. but…i have to be real. i dont mind showing you the real me. and i wouldnt be surprised if several of you, who’ve been around here for quite awhile, are sick of hearing this – but….its about my book. that i am stiiiiill writing.

i owe you, my family, me and mostly God an apology. i have made so many different commitments regarding writing this darn book and have failed nearly every one of them.

and stop right there. i am not lookin for a “thats okay, tam. it happens to all of us…” cuz, frankly, its not okay. and i know that full well.

i dont have excuses. i do not have a list of reasons.

so…im sorry to all of you who have encouraged me for so many months. sorry to all of you who have invested so much time pouring ideas, strategies and angles out for me. none of which have gone unnoticed or not been implemented or made useful as a spring board of inspiration. but i apologize for not respecting your time, thoughts and prayers over this.

now… all this to say… ive been writing. like…real writing. for the first time i feel like i have a clearer picture than ever of the direction i should be going in. it still makes me anxious. i still hit walls and writers block. but im not backing down. i cant back down.

i dont have the promise of tomorrow. and im not gettin any younger. [shut it mandy] and truth be told… im tired of walking on this unsteady bridge of mediocrity.

and there you have it. a little piece of my inner thoughts this tuesday evening.

that is all.

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40 Comments leave one →
  1. September 1, 2009 8:06 pm

    i like you… and i love you.

  2. September 1, 2009 8:11 pm

    uh…so, you are sorry about NOT blogging?

    • September 2, 2009 6:16 pm

      no. im sorry for not being a keeper of my word.

  3. Heidi permalink
    September 1, 2009 8:20 pm

    I rather sit down with my quilt and hot tea to read a book of thoughts, tears, revelations, joys, hurts and victories from a sis named Tam.

    Instead of reading a rushed thru group of pages with no purpose by Tammy Hodge.

    Keep writing and I’ll keep praying. I am not stopping until it hits stores!!

    Know that you really REALLY REALLY Inspire me to be real.( like Veleveteen rabbit real) 😀

    I love you!

    • September 2, 2009 6:16 pm

      you are a constant source of inspiration.

  4. September 1, 2009 8:21 pm

    wow. i’ve been disobedient too. i promised God that i would start writing atleast 2 chapters of my “book” by then end of this year. i havent even started on the first paragraph & its already September…i’ve made excuses in my head… number 1 is that “one is that no one is going to read it anyway” =( thanks for ur transparency. thanks also for the challenge. i know i should step out in faith..and overcome my fears…no more excuses.

    • September 2, 2009 6:16 pm

      then im in good company. right? 😉

  5. September 1, 2009 8:22 pm

    I’me not a regular reader of your blog, but let me share something with you from writer to writer. First, if the Lord laid it on your heart to write then write you must. Alone, with only His guidance. There will be times when you need to share your work with others for suggestions, critiques, etc. You’ll have times when you need to bounce ideas around with friends, but you cannot write a book by committee.

    The book God has given you to write, is uniquely yours. Accept, pray for His guidance and persevere. He has a plan.

    • September 2, 2009 6:18 pm

      mary, thank you for your wisdom and encouragement here. i respect it, highly.

  6. September 1, 2009 8:57 pm

    I read this as I finished listening to a song I’ve been working on…one that is kicking me back in gear on my songwriting that I’ve been neglecting. Looks like we’re both in the same place!

    • September 2, 2009 6:19 pm

      good for you, russ…yay!!! looks like God is shaking a lot of us up. im sure He’s fed up 😕

  7. September 1, 2009 9:49 pm

    Apology accepted.

    You said you felt you owed a lot of people and God an apology.

    i for one would far prefer to be reading the first Chapter of YOUR book (that God has placed in your heart) than an apology any day of the week – i really don’t like apologies – they do nothing for me – or for anyone else in my opinion – show me the place in the New Testament where Jesus makes an apology?

    But a book on the other hand? a story of real life – it’s ability to crush and break us and to then inspire and uplift us… To motivate us to do something ‘Great’…

    I’d much rather read your book than your apology.

    Too subtle?? 😉

    and with regards to your previous very important post – i hope you budget your time between these two tasks/labours so as to get decent results out of them both! maybe there are areas you spend some time in less-than-productive activities you might wish to cut back upon?? 😉

    i don’t intend to give up on you.

    like you said – you ain’t gettin’ no younger Hun! 😉

    <B

    • September 2, 2009 6:19 pm

      not subtle at all. but how do you reeeally feel? 😉 i kid!

      and no worries…im working on the other thing too.

  8. September 1, 2009 11:32 pm

    My weekly emails from Stickk that I now regularly ignore sometimes make me feel a bit guilty about my monthly songwriting commitment that has kinda languished.

    Then I realise I’m doing other stuff I never knew would be happening when I signed up to OurCC, etc back in January.

    So, I’m not tooooo distressed about mya pparent lack of productivity, because I know it’s just been channelled in other ways **.

    Meanwhile…mediocre? you? “Pfft”, as Diane would say.

    None of which is to excuse you for not writing what you know God wants you too. I don’t have that power 🙂 But you apologised to the One who does. He’ll honour that. He’s good for it.

    Now get busy conquering those walls and write til you can’t (write til you can’t) write til you can’t write no more…

    With a disco soundtrack. Or not.

    **other stuff like…producing a worship album, writing several of the songs on the album, singing on it a bit too, and other “slightly major” stuff that has been on the boil lately (!)

    • September 2, 2009 6:21 pm

      oh definitely with a disco soundtrack, david! you are speaking my language. maybe i need to play some disco while im writing…hmmmmm

      it is true…sometimes life sends surprises. who knew, eh? yah, and those stickk reminders kill me every time 😯

  9. September 1, 2009 11:46 pm

    He said write it Tam, He didn’t say how long it would take you:)

    • September 2, 2009 6:22 pm

      GOOD point!

      • September 5, 2009 1:31 am

        it IS a good point.

        Like most of our ‘good points’ however they are all too easily used by us as excuses when we are not living up to what we KNOW we are actually capable of doing ( ie doing ‘better’ – making Progress)

        Good job i know you are way to smart to fall for that now, Huh? 😉

        Huh?

        <B

  10. September 2, 2009 5:43 am

    LSOF had the same thought as me… 😯 (kidding ang)

    I have not kept up with Stickk..but I am moving on what I am doing in study as I can. God seems to stop us at times and help us grow or just experience more of HIM to move on to the next phase of our writing. You know, even though its our past, HE has something HE has set out to reveal in it, to bring glory to himself. Not giving you excuses…but I will say I am sorry to you in front of the world, because I did not pray as often for your writing as i know I should have..so we are even…love you, and putting you up at the top of this list for your writing.. (((HUGS)))

    • September 2, 2009 6:23 pm

      this made me cry. i love you, darla. thank you for this! you are a treasure.

  11. September 2, 2009 6:43 am

    I know all too well that feeling of nagging when you have great stories to tell, but haven’t had the discipline to write them. You feel crappy. I’m there with you.

    Part of me says, “It’s OK…” and part of me says, “Thanks for the apology – now get to writing!” I’ll say them both. You have a phenomenal story that will encourage many – write it! 🙂

    • September 2, 2009 6:23 pm

      thank you. and thanks for our chat today too!

  12. September 2, 2009 7:12 am

    Tam, i believe it to be nothing more than God’s perfect timing…the rest is between you and Him…I love you and am looking forward to my signed copy, with a smile of course. 😉

    • September 2, 2009 6:23 pm

      always with a smile, debs. always 🙂

  13. September 2, 2009 9:19 am

    tam my lovely, you are anything but mediocre!!

    Hugs hugs hugs.

    And keep on writing.. 😉

    (that last bit comes from the purely selfish reason that I wanna read your book!) 🙂

  14. September 2, 2009 9:49 am

    I love how real you are. And I love you.

    • September 2, 2009 6:24 pm

      its a blessing. its a curse. 😉

      i love you too, friend!

  15. September 2, 2009 11:47 am

    ya…life gets in the way of the great things that God has called me to do to….so so easy.

    I think you’re a rock star…and there is grace, cause, well i do it too.

    love you

    • September 2, 2009 6:25 pm

      theres grace cuz you do it too. i love it!!!

      love you!

  16. September 2, 2009 12:28 pm

    you are way beyond cool. love ya

    • September 2, 2009 6:25 pm

      ha! im a mess. really. but im me 😉

      luvs!

  17. September 2, 2009 1:21 pm

    It’s all part of the process girly. Just glad you’re at the part where He’s gotten under your skin. 🙂

    • September 2, 2009 6:26 pm

      under my skin, indeed!!! you nailed it!

  18. September 2, 2009 6:06 pm

    Love you! I think we all feel this way sometimes right?

    • September 2, 2009 6:26 pm

      we do. im sure. its good tho…i need that sweet conviction.

      love ya!

  19. September 2, 2009 7:17 pm

    WOW Tam~your blog readership has grown by leaps and bounds~YOU GO, GIRL! I’m not involved at all with you and your book, but I think dry seasons exist for a reason. We may not always understand why, but I KNOW they serve a purpose! Maybe you would’ve taken a different direction than the inspired one you are taking now? Maybe it would have been just WRONG? Anyday, forgive yourself, dear friend! (((((HUGS))))) sandi

    • September 2, 2009 7:24 pm

      sandi – you hit on something i was thinkin about earlier. although i do not like givin the enemy credit for anything…he could very well be using this conviction, knowing it would affect me this way, to use it against me. yet..im still the one who chooses. so, with that said…i must take the good, learn, grow and keep on keepin on. which i am doing. again 😉

      thank you sandi!!

  20. September 3, 2009 6:12 pm

    Thanks for writing this.
    (And I’ll keep it shut)

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