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i snapped.

October 13, 2009

im sitting here thinking, how on earth can i concentrate on writing a new post when there are some real, weird, looney crazy people taking over my last post.

anyhoo… i have a confession. i did a bad mom thing tuesday morning. i mean, really bad. i snapped at my son. i mean, really snapped. it wasnt one of my shining mama moments, i assure you. i can count on 3 fingers the amount of times ive allowed my frustrations get the better of me.

worse yet…i snapped right as he was getting out of the car for school.

😦

i swore to myself as a child that i would never send my kids off to school sad from something i had done. that was one of my many promises i made to my future children.

fortunately…i have a very graceful and loving child. he took responsibility for his failures and i did mine. we apologized and forgave one another.

on one hand, im upset with myself. on the other hand, im thankful he saw i am human with, yet, another flaw. im thankful he was able to see the process of admission and to then extend forgiveness. it was an important lesson for both of us.

how do you handle those moments when you just know youre about to snap?

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34 Comments leave one →
  1. Christy Polek permalink
    October 13, 2009 10:28 pm

    I really love that commitment that you made when you were young. Definitely something I want to hold onto for when I have kids of my own someday.

    • October 15, 2009 7:23 pm

      thanks friend. i made a lot of promises to my future children when i was still a child myself. i went thru too many things i knew were not right. all i knew is i didnt want to repeat them. although, occasionally, i do πŸ˜‰

  2. October 13, 2009 10:41 pm

    Well, depends on the age of the child, conditions which are about to cause me to react( one usally reacts to an action set in play) and the surroundings about me.
    Example only…If my child were to say accidentally spill a glass of milk ( classic don’t you think?) at dinner, I’d re-act by assuring the child all was not lost, chin-up, and clean-up.
    Example 2) Same setting although this time the child was upset or in a foul mood and on purpose knocked the glass over, I’d calmly ask for a reason, and depending upon my satisfaction of said reason would either dismiss the childto their room for the evening or move further down the discipline scale. Either way, it really depends on what the ACTION was to cause me to re-act with a forceful, load overtone toward the person.
    I believe in ownership. If someone has a problem, they own it! I decide if I should except the same problem to deal with and if I do, I then become an owner of said problem, and now I have to resolve it the best I can. If I do not except to be part of their problem/ solution, then said problem is soley theirs.
    In conclusion, I have raised my voice ( too many times to count) to my children, and although not boastingly proud of ever allowing myself to be pulled into such a barbaric action, don’t believe there to be any damage resulting from this other than possibly my blood pressure being too high.
    My children converse with me freely, daily and on everything under the sun. They come to me for advice and to sort through the endless question teens these days have.
    When the day is over, we say our evening prayers as a family, we learn from from the things we can change, the things we can’t, and ask the Lord to give us knowledge for the differnce.
    Hope this was alright to answer, Thank you. Take care.

    • October 15, 2009 7:30 pm

      you hit it…when the day is over, we gather as a family, pray…and know everything is good. we’re very open with each other too, so that helps tremendously.

      “I believe in ownership. If someone has a problem, they own it! I decide if I should except the same problem to deal with and if I do, I then become an owner of said problem, and now I have to resolve it the best I can. If I do not except to be part of their problem/ solution, then said problem is soley theirs.”

      this was the crux of the problem…and lesson learned for my son. he dropped the ball on stuff and it became everyone’s problem, sort of. he needed to own up and take responsibility and all our gentle nudging was not doing the job. and then….i let my patience take a vacation πŸ˜•

      but we’ve had a great convo over it and have set some boundaries, strategies and structures in place.

      thanks so much for your comment!

  3. October 13, 2009 10:54 pm

    i left this comment on Sarah’s post today. similar kind of post so the comment fits: i almost never show my anger outwardly. i internalize everything. every little detail. analyze. pick apart. make bigger. etc. i sometimes wish i could let my true colors show outwardly. i think it would be easier to correct if others could see it.

    • October 13, 2009 11:30 pm

      Don’t think that by internalising anger that people can’t necessarily see it. They can, but they are then relieved from any responsibility or ability to react to it.

      Like anything, we aren’t responsible for the actions of others (though I realise this is a grey area when it’s your own kids), but we are responsible for our reactions to them.

      We can’t rely on others to give us the heads up on issues we need to personally address – if we know they are there, then we need to be ready to deal – of course, we can be and SHOULD be accountable to people we trust, so we can have a sounding board etc., but the old theme remains – if we don’t deal with our feelings, we’re only hurting ourselves.

      Our friends, family etc., more than anything, need to know that we are stable (that we know what’s true and live by it), reliable (not double minded and fickle, a ‘surface’ Christian), and full of compassion. We need to mirror that which we rely on God for – that should be an outworking of Christ in us. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s not impossible.

      Sorry if I’ve derailed!

    • October 15, 2009 7:32 pm

      crystal…what happens when you just cant contain your anger any longer?

  4. October 13, 2009 11:35 pm

    Finding that balance between self control and internalisation (what Crystal talked about) is v.v.v.v.v.hard.

    It takes a lot for me to snap, and apparently I’m a bit scary when I do, so it’s important to me not to do it. Deep breaths, and some hurried words to Jesus help.

    The real important thing is how you handle it if you do snap…and I think you both displayed the your Christian faith in resolving quickly.

    I’m looking forward to having my future kids teach me stuff someday too.

    • October 15, 2009 7:33 pm

      i know this is a serious post and all, but…i just can NOT see you angry. youve worn clear nail polish…and perhaps still do. πŸ˜‰

  5. October 14, 2009 3:35 am

    I am by nature a really really calm person in terms of stuff like this but when I do snap it is usually over the top a little. Never violent or anything, I just re-learn all of the really bad words I have forgotten over the past several months. And use them!

    What I have learned to do is when I feel myself at that point is to walk away. If my wife is there we are really good with each other about saying you have to take this I need to leave for a few.

    I then go on a long walk, workout or just go to the Y and sit in the steam room until I can sort it out and cool heads prevail.

    • October 15, 2009 7:34 pm

      good stuff.

      i snapped and THEN called brent to have him talk to HIS son πŸ™‚ whoops.

  6. Heidi permalink
    October 14, 2009 4:52 am

    I am also a believer of sending my children off to school with the positive, HECK school is hard enough.

    Anger is not my usual enemy….

    But I am a human mom and I have thrown lunches, books, and glares(mostly) at my 16 yr old through the passenger door.

    But like Kota, we leave under grace, forgive, and move on.

    • October 15, 2009 7:35 pm

      ya know…i can actually imagine your glare being pretty intimidating too. hopefully, i’ll never have to see it. i mean, id much rather see your beautiful smile!

      • Heidi permalink
        October 19, 2009 8:39 pm

        I just found this reply from 4 days ago.. oops.

        I do have a glare… :D!!!

        But not for you!!

        Unless, you take 20 minutes to do your hair the minute we are supposed to walk out the door???? or spend 15 minutes finding your one lost shoe??

  7. Myra permalink
    October 14, 2009 7:37 am

    As one who has watched your kids grow from little to where they are now, you have done and are doing a wonderful job! You have raised kids with great character and integrity. Not only through verbal teaching but also by who you are in your daily walk.

    Now, when I feel myself heading to the ‘dark side’, I close my eyes and in the spirit I say “Jesus” which then leads into “lover of my soul”, and so on I go into mental worship mode which takes me back to the ‘light’. Worship as you know is a wonderful thing. It leads me back to patience and peace.

    That’s my coping tool!

    • October 15, 2009 7:36 pm

      myra – thank you SO much for this comment. it really meant a lot to me!

  8. October 14, 2009 9:57 am

    i am just glad that you are just like me at times.

    • October 15, 2009 7:36 pm

      i am. and we’re all in it together, girl πŸ˜‰

  9. October 14, 2009 12:57 pm

    DEEP breathing!

    What I find interesting – and convicting – is that I can keep my cool when we’re in public. It’s at home, where no one else can see us, that I really struggle with my temper. Mark and I have discussed recently how having a child has made us realize how short our tempers are – and we don’t like it!

    We’re working on it, but man, it’s hard!!

    One thing I promised to myself when I was younger is that I’ll never wake my children up by yelling at them. My parents were great, but I remember more than once my mom woke me up, already angry about something I’d done or not done. Not cool, Mom. Not cool.

    • October 15, 2009 7:39 pm

      mary – ive found the same thing too. i think its because we can let down our guard in our homes. while thats a good thing – it can also be bad for fellow family-mates 😯

      ugh. and theres nothing worse than being woken up by yelling. grrr….

  10. October 14, 2009 8:49 pm

    Ummmmmm if I can be totally transparent here…. I am the snappy swede. I’ve always loved and related myself to Peter…. because I lop ears and ask questions later. Now, in my defense… ok I have none. It is really an issue I have dealt with most of my life. I’ve always been very real with my kids faults, past and all, as I know you are Tammers. We have to be real for our kids. Being perfect and infallible is God’s job, not ours. Teaching our kids how to handle not only ours, but others faults is SO important in living in this fallen world. So in my very warped way I am saying “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

    • October 15, 2009 7:40 pm

      youre an ear-lopper??

      πŸ˜‰

      i love you, woman!

  11. October 14, 2009 8:50 pm

    Ok, that should have read, “I have always been very real with my kids, my faults, past and all”… not my kids faults… Sheesh! πŸ™„

  12. October 15, 2009 8:41 am

    When you’ve finished beating up on yourself, how about remembering his continual efforts to push your buttons ?

    • October 15, 2009 7:21 pm

      very true. i actually laughed at your comment!

      he definitely knows he pushed my buttons and went too far. thing is…he wasnt trying to get at me, personally, it was that he was dropping the ball and not owning up…repeatedly. i just have zero tolerance for that crap. πŸ˜€

      • October 16, 2009 9:37 am

        Ours do that ALL the time. Their immediate response to any accusation is “[INSERT SIBLING NAME] did it…”

  13. October 15, 2009 10:04 am

    It’s painful when we hurt our kiddos. However, they are learning that we are not perfect, it increases their need for Christ, they learn humility and forgiveness first hand. You are such a wonderful mom….and definately an inspiration. Miss you! Storie

    • October 15, 2009 7:41 pm

      “it increases their need for Christ”

      that is such a wise statement. a great point to make.

      i miss you too, storie! maybe one day we’ll actually have that coffee together…you still have my number?

  14. October 15, 2009 11:03 am

    Yeah, I’ve snapped too. Telling my boy, “I was wrong, I shouldn’t have done that, will you please forgive me,” really healed. Humility…not something I’m good at, but when it comes out it means a lot to folks.

    • October 15, 2009 7:46 pm

      yeah. there certainly isnt anything wrong with our kiddos seeing us fail. the key is like what youve done. seeing that, for them, is so crucial. good job, dad!

  15. October 15, 2009 1:06 pm

    I love you. I love your honesty. I love the way you choose to parent your children. I love the way that you have raised your children.

    I, to often let my snappiness and anger get the best of me….like probably 50% of the time. 😐 But its a process and we are all “inprogress”….haha…yep, i went there.

    I love you!

    • October 15, 2009 7:47 pm

      hijacker of names.

      πŸ˜‰

      i love you too!

  16. October 16, 2009 9:13 am

    LOL~ I will email you.

  17. October 19, 2009 10:51 am

    i love you for your honesty.

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