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fill in friday. the story.

October 14, 2009

and here you have it. your fill in friday community story. i think it has a plot. im not sure really. in fact, i think i lost IQ points reading it 😯

but seriously…you all made this so stinkin fun and funny!!! thank you for having fun with this!

and, here you go….

(you can choose your own title 😉 )

once upon a time there was a large hairy boy who was afraid of little girls on stilts. then one, where he’d floss his teeth, because he hated cheese with a passion that could only be compared to yard art. the memory still haunted him as he thought of that afternoon in 1986 when he listened to Banaramam about the camembert still stuck and lusted after Keren as she pranced about. he grabbed a gnome a remembered the good times when it was still legal to dance around with stolen goods from other peoples yards. just then a stilted girl loudly shouting, “i am the walrus. goo-goo-ca-choo” started chasing him. he tried shooting her with his laser cat but he tripped over breaking his jimmy choo’s and dropping the laser into the wild blue yonder only to be saved by a tiny metal robot. surprisingly. the girl noticed the camembert next to the eggplant and court documents he received during the little misunderstanding involving horseshoes and hand grenades but no eyes were poked out due to lawn darts, so everyone held hands and sung “friends are friends forever”. meanwhile, his love interest, keren, decided to make the most of the time she had left to by using the slingshot to brush up on her mad kill the wildebeest that make the best spaghetti in the world, although it is said spaghetti she makes look like hair on a shower wall. her spaghetti dream could never match the one about her third cousin twice removed and she was thankful it was only a dream. meanwhile, back on the farm there was news of a wild nobel peace prize runner up who was a weather man stating he predicted a snowball winner announcement but everyone was confused since it was the middle of summer. “eggplant,” he thought. “what do i do with eggplant?” so he fed the eggplant to his scuba instructors turtle named alfred. alfred always fancied eggplant pizza dos equis but today he couldnt afford eggplant pizza and uno equi so he settled for just a side of his favorite aunt marge no one had or ever seen a turtle eat with the good flat wear, so but it was too salty so they added tequila and settled in for a nap thats when the nightmares began. nightmares of fat free cheese and lactose intolerant bloating and gas and nuclear reactors. so alfred, awoke in a cold sweat. who knew that turtles sweat? keren certainly didnt. she proceeded to kiss the turtle and blamed the tequila for causing her to mistake him for someone taller. however alfred did not mind kissing within the gassy confines of the tequila-strewn beach under the cardboard cut out sun. soon the large hairy boy had emerged from the sand and became enraged when he saw the awkward three legged little elephant that was carrying a catch of his precious hair! meanwhile, the stilted girl had her fill of cheese and overcame the tiny metal robot stuffed inside her with the powerful use of antibiotics. she managed to eradicate keren and alfred easily, but she had forgotten the large amount of kleenex she left in alfreds bra. now that the turtle sweat has been sopped up she removed the stilts and was only 4 foot 2. this pleased the hairy boy which is the size of an asian startled, alfred ran. well, he “hobbled” over the three legged eleohant leaving kleenex strewn all over. “my bra!” he exclaimed. and wheres my manpurse too? it was then he realized he needed esl classes to escape from being called “@ inworship’d” but he wasnt going to take this lying down, and decided to ignore the 5 word limit and stand up for proper english, like all the turtles named alfred. he enrolled in esl anyway and got back on track and ran the 5 meter in 2,947 seconds…with stilts. the hairy boy and unstilted girl decided between the turban and the box of pretzels shaped like ledderhosen surrounded with brightly colored timtams and nobby’s nuts. his mouth began to water and spittle built up around his cracked shell caused by his hairlip. this didnt stop him from channeling his inner mexican and the tequila found solace in his bowels. this was the opportunity the boy had dreamed of ever since that day back in 1986 when keren touched his cheek looked right into his hairlip and said “yard art…the answer to all of the worlds economic problems, only if mysteries of love and life people could appreciate the rare petrified caveman poop and mysteries of love and life!” the hairlip had a name, ’twas not to be, and there were no sales at Costco. But then, his hairlip exclaimed, “where are the food samples?!” “It is taco tuesday, friends!” So he grabbed a sample…”is there any tequila left?” “No, it’s closing time for hairlips!” Suddenly, in walked a breakdancing midget. She smelled of stale gnomes, likely due to the fact that she slept in the nude. Police were often called in for backup of midget nudity, but instead, they join in the armpit of an adolescent giant. Luckily, it’s warm in there and the camembert has softened, making perfect conditions for multiplying the gnomes lying dormant until it’s wednesday…business-time again. Those dirty little gnomes   reindeer games in the yard art. They say it’s camembert with horseshoes and hand-grenades. But it looks like a turtle, which is good luck if you come from Moldova, oh Moldova. Sounds like “mouldy”, like the camembert was long before it entered the pit of the giant. Fortunately, there were still tacos remaining. Breakdancing midgets like mold. It causes a hallucinogenic effect, resulting in vivid visions of spaghetti wildebeest monuments. So the super hero-like sweaty turtles that returned from the dead with Keren and eat tacos and drink tequila, but ever fearful of Asians. The odd couple plotted to stuff Alfred with Eggplant pizza and recover the lazer cat for cat soup (a delicacy in most countries but illegal for sling shot wielding stilted girls). Good thing she was from Michigan, where she is free, so cat soup was dinner. The elephant was glad that the hairy boy let him help puree the eggplant to eat while listening to the gentle spring rain falling. The turtle was thankful for the free shower he got since he hadn’t been able to rid himself of the stench of sweat and tequila not to mention the camembert and its effects of the armpit of the adolescent giant, who had an oppressive afro, and kickin’ platform shoes with gold fish crackers as a snack option. However, he was starting to smell the camembert, making him nostalgic for the kiss he shared with Keren as he drifted off in the sea of rank farts. After several lonely days, the police escaped the armpit and ran, gulping the sweet, fresh air, only to trip over the shell of Alfred as he daydreamed about Keren’s third cousin, who was an olympic stilter, who could never win gold, whose favorite number was 17. Due to arthritic knees, she ran on her wrists and took the silver in, accepting it with her teeth, which ground it to a fine powder. The police began investigating THE CASE OF THE MISSING MIDGETS  having forgotten where they tend to gather…in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart. So, they search with magnifying glasses so they could scare small children and laugh when they screamed. Fearful fo the walking melons, the midgets hid behind lettuce and the all-seeing potatoes before they noticed several carrots, that needed a hair cut, forming a circle around them. Fortunately, the police remembered where they’d stashed the drugs from the giant’s armpit and returned to the taco stand in Mexico. There they discovered that the runaway Nobel Peace Prize runner up had ordered ar ound of fresh fruit margaritas for every German tourist that had gathered to hear the TALE OF ALFRED & HIS SWEAT GLANDS OF EPICNESS, RIVALED ONLY BY HIS HAIRLIP (So awesomesauce in hirsuitness in resemblance to Don King). Alfred’s story made them giggle. And giggles turned into gufaws. And Gufaws turned into convulsions, because they noticed toxic bugs were inhaled into dwarfish lungs, mixing with the spaghetti that covered the walls. Pixies came to clean up the Kleenex polluted beach, where Alfred and Keren had once frolicked just like that dragon, who’d been watching the goings on from the day and was a little tired of the disruption, so he breathed some fire, put them all into a nice casserole, and enjoyed his dinner. After dinner, he picked up his horseshoes, lawn darts, and hand-grenades and proceeded to make snowballs from cheese-flavored yard art, muttering “If only he’d flossed…”

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25 Comments leave one →
  1. October 14, 2009 9:43 pm

    all i have to say is whoever was a part of this is PURE genius in the head… ish.

    • October 14, 2009 9:51 pm

      i WAS gonna link to all perps involved but daaaaang…my hands were too tired to type anymore 😯

      and by the way…cathi stegall helped me with this. shes a doll like that. and she likes brinner. you should know that. right?

  2. October 14, 2009 9:58 pm

    I about died laughing while reading all of this.

    • October 14, 2009 10:03 pm

      dude. im survived you survived reading thru it!

      😉

  3. Christy Polek permalink
    October 14, 2009 10:01 pm

    I like brinner too! And therefore, though I don’t know her now, I’m sure I would like Cathi too!
    Also, I love this story. Seeing it all put together just makes it even better. We are crazy!
    I laughed so much!

  4. October 14, 2009 10:07 pm

    I’m still up for illustrating that kid’s book. It will be a kid’s book, right? Or at least a pamphlet warning of the dangers of drugs/lack of sleep/the number 17….

    • October 14, 2009 10:10 pm

      I think it’s a book for dentists to use to encourage kids to floss…17 times a day…followed by drug-free sleep…

    • October 14, 2009 10:11 pm

      diane – you reeeeeally should submit an illustration to this story. that would be fandamntastic!

  5. October 14, 2009 10:09 pm

    There really is nothing better than a good yarn to end the day.

    Though I’ve discovered I am a HUGE fan of paragraphs. 😀

  6. Christy Polek permalink
    October 14, 2009 10:10 pm

    I think an appropriate title could be

    Alfred: A Cautionary Tale of Lust and Lawn Gnomes

    and I’m sure most parents would find this story incredible appropriate for children! 😉

  7. October 14, 2009 11:32 pm

    Soooo funny!

  8. October 15, 2009 4:17 am

    Y’all so crazy…. lol

  9. October 15, 2009 9:58 am

    Wow..what a story..glad I was a part of it…it really did get twisted.

  10. October 15, 2009 10:36 am

    words escape me… it’s… it’s… it’s simply beautiful!

  11. October 15, 2009 10:52 am

    shut.up.

    that was hilarious!!! and in some bizarre way, kind of all tied together… all of your brains scare me a little.

    🙂

    • October 15, 2009 7:49 pm

      its the asian flair, im sure 😉

  12. Sandy permalink
    October 15, 2009 7:40 pm

    Absolutly entertaining story, LOVED IT! Great job in putting it all together Tam.

    • October 15, 2009 7:48 pm

      i cant believe you read this 😯

      😉

  13. October 16, 2009 3:34 am

    uno equi
    hahahahahaha!!!!

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