kill a fetus – miscarry a baby
(warning: graphic pic at the bottom)
one thing i will not do here is argue sides. im not interested in fighting over abortion. but i will stand for life. and the right to live it.
i do not wanta call people out or point fingers but i have an issue with something. ok…i have issues with many things – but this one boggles my mind every time.
i read once, from one person in the same paragraph, a comment about a young girl who had just aborted her “fetus”. this writer gave her opinion and felt this was the best thing for this young lady-she would heal fast and move on. a couple sentences later she consoled another young lady who had just miscarried. she extended her condolences for the loss of her “baby”.
so if i understand this logic correctly…it is a fetus if you dont want it and baby if you did.
how can that be? does this somehow justify a position?
it has been argued that a “fetus” can not live outside the womb, therefor it is not considered a life.
that is correct. to a point. while a growing baby inside its trusted mothers belly cannot sustain its own life early on, either could a newborn baby. if you take the mother away from both, born and unborn, they can not live without her. put a newborn, immediately after delivery, on a table and walk away it will, before long, die. but no one would ever do that. we know, instinctively that there is a process to growing, to becoming. and that process begins immediately at conception. that is the starting point. period. how some can argue that is so far beyond me it makes my head hurt and my heart bleed in agony.
and ive found that a vast majority of those who stand on this logic have never had an abortion.
im sorry…but if youve never walked in the shoes of a woman who has had, albeit chose to, a life literally ripped out from inside her then sent on her way home bleeding amounts of blood that is nothing less than frightening, passing clots the size of plums, doubled over in pain unexplainable and grappling with the reality of a choice that cannot be undone…you have absolutely no right, whatsoever, to give your opinion on abortion or the sanctity of life.
at. all.
so to these people, please, if there is something else you actually know something about…perhaps cooking, dodge ball, knitting or miming…please invest your time there.
22 week aborted baby.
inProgress 
I lost two babies to miscarriage…the first during my 2nd trimester. I was shocked at the amount of people…women…who actually told me things like “at least it wasn’t an actual baby”.
I still think about those babies.
Thank you for your courage and transparency, my friend. Your story has the potential to be absolutely life changing. Love you!
i still think of the babies i lost in miscarriage too.
that will never change.
youre right…it doesnt change. they live on with you.
im hugging you right now…can you feel it?
its unbelievable the things people will say. and they probably meant well, just didnt know what to say. ive learned that often times, no words are much better.
im so sorry you lost those babies. wish i wouldve been there for you.
@Leanne,
I remember when we lost our 1st child (Kira). Someone came up to me after my D&C, and told me that “God aborted my child” I was grief stricken weeks, months, and now even thinking about it 19 years later.
Although God gave me 3 beautiful children, I still wonder about her.
Yes,People say the most unbelievable stuff. I think most of them it’s out of ignorance and not knowing how to communicate something so difficult. yea Tam sometimes silence is better. I wish the nurse at the HMO office knew that rule.
My sister lost two babies, one of which died inside her and they had to remove. The raw grief that came from her soul still makes my heart hurt. People said crazy things to her, too, but they also said crazy things to my best friend who lost her 11 year old daughter. Sometimes I think people are so uncomfortable with grief that they say what makes THEM feel better, just so they could feel they said something.
Wow. This is so powerful, Tam. You’re a brave, awesome woman.
“the thing about losing a child is that you do not just lose them once, but you go on experiencing the loss of what they would have been.”
-Sarah Williams
I too have lost a baby. This quote moved me to tears. Laura Anne, could you tell me who Sarah Williams is? I would like to know the origin of this quote.
She now lectures at Regent College in Vancouver. Her book, about how she carried her baby to term despite knowing her baby, Cerian, would die in womb or during birth, is called ‘The Shaming of the Strong’….it’s a book I recommend all the volunteers who work in the pregnancy crisis centre to read. That is where the quote comes from.
It is an incredibly inspiring and heartbreaking story.
Thanks so much. I will have to get a copy of her book. Hope you don’t mind me re-posting this quote…..if it’s a problem let me know, and I will remove it. Thanks for coming to check out my blog.
Not at all. Just hope Sarah doesn’t mind..I’ve posted it a few times. Reminds me that I’m not crazy on the ‘first day of school’ or kids birthday parties when I think about what my own unborn child ‘would have been’.
I might not comment on each post each day, but know I’m reading all this week and reposting you on FB….. since living here I’ve met more people (now my friends) who have shared about their abortions…. makes me wonder how many more are out there looking for support or just to know that someone else has been there…. and that they are still worthy.
“if you take the mother away from both, born and unborn, they can not live without her”
So true Tam. So true. Thanks for standing up for truth.
This ANGERS me to NO END. I have had MULTIPLE miscarriages, 5 before my son was born and a dozen plus more since his birth, and every time I have, I felt like something was torn out of me. Something was ROBBED and STOLEN. I just want to cry. How often I think of the those precious babies I was never able to birth.
People can be so callous and selfish. I went to an OB/GYN who coldly informed me that I was a liar when I let her know that I had just miscarried.
This subject really upsets me.
thank you so much for your bravery in sharing these series of posts.
if there’s one topic/movement/issue i will die on a hill for—it is pro-life. from a very young age, i have been faced with the reality of what abortion is and what abortion does. while i never had one or have ever been pregnant, i used to volunteer in an abortion alternative clinic. i began doing this when i was in 7th grade.
i would see girls my age…. 11, 12, 13 years old entering our door seeking advice and guidance. most of the time these girls have no idea what was really growing inside of them, and what abortion will actually do to their baby.
it was our job, to show them. while it was incredibly difficult to watch, we’d show them videos of different types of abortion procedures, some of which were with audio… hearing the baby scream… and things like that.
those images, sounds and experiences are engraved in my mind and my heart…
while that approach is extreme—it is reality and it is something that girls/women need to see/know before they make a decision. abortion clinics/doctors make it way too easy to make an uninformed decision.
you, my friend, are doing a great work in helping break that cycle. bless you for it.
I am so saddened when I see this picture but I know one day in Heaven you will get to see your baby!
Just can’t seem to turn the tears off Tam… You are one brave woman. Love you,
speechless and grief stricken.
Tammy,
Thanks friend for putting this on. I am in tears, and I am reminded that occasionally we need a massive jolt to wake us out of our slumber and remind us of what is really important. Sometimes we need to see what society tries to keep hidden. As being the only man commenting here, I know that I don’t understand what women go through when they have an abortion, or a miscarriage. However, when Signy miscarried, I wept and mourned. Not sure why God took our little one, but it was a life that was loved none the less.
Bless you,
Daniel
“you have absolutely no right, whatsoever, to give your opinion on abortion or the sanctity of life.”
Could you clarify this statement? I feel that as a man who has never directly dealt with abortion or miscarriage I can and will fight for the sanctity of life.
I would never dare presume to believe that I could somehow judge a woman who has experienced an abortion so I’m with you there but I don’t get the sanctity of life part.
That being said, thank you so much for opening my eyes again and again to the hurts and needs of a group of people that I am not directly a part of but probably am connected to more than I realize!
hi russ…that statement was in regards to the type of people i referenced just before that who support, even encourage, abortion. the ones who fight for it and fight against those who stand against it. in one breath they discard a life in the womb and in the next console a loss of a life in the womb.
that is someone you are not.
Gotcha! I just wanted to make sure that’s what you’re saying. I actually reread it and got it the second or third time I read the statement!
Thanks for sharing!
i can’t say anything but.. feel sad to see the picture..
I’ve never thought about that….that a fetus is aborted but a baby is miscarried. Simple little nuances that make it seem okay to kill a baby. When I was reading your post yesterday I was hit that we have more laws against animal cruelty than we do against unborn life. Obviously I don’t think any form of cruelty to an animal is right. It just struck me.
Hi daughter – HUG !!
Just want you to know that you are being held in my arms clear down here in Florida!
thank you for your honesty, and for not being afraid to stand up and be heard. I know i think about each one of my miscarriages, as people, who for whatever reason God had, HE chose them to be with HIM…but mostly my heart breaks for the one that I miscarried only a week before an abortion was scheduled. So no I didn’t actually have it done, but i would have…life was so different then, and women were not told the truths you share on here. Not many people think of a miscarried baby as a baby…but i believe at the time of conception, a baby is knit together in the womb. love you
I don’t think I’ve ever miscarried, but I can only imagine the pain from either event.
Love you girl!
I’m …..I’m so shocked I’m forgetting to breathe…. My God …..
I don’t really have any words….
I will say that this post is extremely insightful.
Bless you, Tam.
First, thank you for the honesty.
My wife and I have had three miscarriages including miscarrying twins once. I know how much it crushed me and honestly…while I’m a Christian man and don’t get violent…if someone had tried to tell me “at least they weren’t actual babies” I would have beaten them senseless. They were my children. Period. End of story.
Now I have to deal with my own emotions about the loss of my children while trying to be supportive for my wife for whom this eats away every day. When I see her spending the day on the couch because she’s so depressed thinking of what may have been it just ticks me off even more. I want to rush in and help her, heal her and the only thing I can do is give her to God. You want to talk about something hard for a man to do…
So I can’t imagine how it really feels for a woman who’s gone through abortion because I know how much it hurt me as a man who lost children via miscarriage. I don’t want to try and imagine the horror you’ve gone through. God bless you.
You are an amazing ambassador of Christ, Tam. I love you and am thankful for this and your brave words today.
Thank you for this. You open and honest candor inspired me to share my abortion story.
I just want to say thank you for the guys who have been brave enough to comment here. You are so often forgotten in pregnancy/baby loss.
I often remind people that the first client that ever came into our pregnancy crisis centre for post-abortion support was a man.
That’s amazing Laurie. What a great testimony for what you’re doing!
You are just awesome Tam, and you know what, I am so proud that you are willing to risk ridicule to be true to you, you want people to know the truth. My friend Sheila also feels very strongly about abortion; she told me how far along someone can be and still have an abortion, and its crazy…how can you have a child inside you with a heart beating and want to do something like that?
In any case, I am sure it traumatizes someone who has had an abortion as much as someone who miscarries. the only difference; when one miscarries they don’t often know why…
and with an abortion…well, you get it.
Again, Tam thank you for being so strong and writing this. You are an inspiration:)
Great post, and a great group of articles! What amazes me most is that even at 22 weeks, the baby in that picture looks exactly like…a baby. just smaller.
Been a while since I stopped by and what an interesting series to step into.
I haven’t read the whole series that you have posted so I don’t know if you have addressed this or not, but I think that one of the greatest lies that our society is buying into is that a baby or pregnancy is all about the mother and her decision.
I am a man and I will never know what it means to carry another person inside of my body. I will never experience the pain or drastic changes that the body goes through to support that life.
However, I am a man who sat beside my wife when the doctor told us that our first child was an non-viable fetus and wanted us to decide to abort it as soon as possible. We both shared in the emotional trauma that day created. We hurt together.
But, I am also the man that stood beside my wife as she delivered that non-viable fetus at 24 weeks. Our daughter looked much like the picture in this post. (And today she is very much a viable 17 year old).
I am the man who carried my wife across the threshold of a hospital emergency room because she was in so much pain that she could not walk. Our second child was a trail of blood and clots that poured from her, onto me, and then onto the hospital floor. I still don’t know how to put into words what that night was like.
I am the man who sat in the doctor’s office while the doctor searched for the heartbeat that wasn’t there for our third child. My wife knew he wouldn’t find it and her tears were the testimony of that moment.
I am the father who held his breath for 9 months while we fought to have our second daughter. My wife still laughs today when we watch the birth because my laughter is so giddy in those moments after her first cry.
I am the husband who sat in another doctor’s room as they looked for another heartbeat that wasn’t there for the third miscarriage.
And on the fourth miscarriage, I was the man, father, husband who consoled his wife following the DNC because they put her in the recovery room with women who were holding the babies that they just delivered.
No, I couldn’t carry any of those babies for my wife. No, I cannot fathom what it must be like to lose something that feels physically a part of you. But, yes, I know the insides and out of sharing a life lost with my wife.
Because my wife and I wrestled with the decision of whether or not to follow the directions of the doctor to have our first child aborted, we have looked inside of what the world would have been without fully stepping in. Fortunately, we were spared the ‘what if’ questions that many would-be-mothers AND would-be-fathers ask themselves today. Because of that, my every desire is that they know grace. That they can learn about a God who can comfort and forgive. Maybe I am wrong in my theology, but I believe those children lost to miscarriage or abortion are already in heaven.
Won’t it be grand to know them in the light of Christ.
I have gone on too long here… I hope that I have not been out of place.
Sobbing. SO glad you said that.
I am in tears right now. You are a blessing to your wife, children and society.
Thank you, Tam, for this post. Reading this has inspired me to share my story (as briefly as possible). My hope is that it will shed some light on the pain and suffering that comes from the “choice” to abort your baby.
You may or may not recognize my choice of words, but after I typed them I did, and I did use the word “baby”. I did so bc in my heart, I beleive that is what he/she was.
I was 16 yrs old and a complete train wreck. However, from the outside you would never have known how much pain I carried. I appeared to be the typical 16 yr old girl. I came from a middle class family, cheered for my HS, played softball and had tons of friends, but the reality was I was broken inside. I came from a dysfunctional home with a Father that was doing his best to raise his daughter alone after her mother left. He replaced her almost yearly with a new girlfriend or wife. My mother was not present in my life since I was 8 yrs old. I was insecure and as a result found myself in a relationship with an older boy who was notorious for being the “bad boy”. I never knew how much I would regret that decision to date him. Our relationship became abusive and he introduced me to alcohol and drugs. I tried to cover the pain but just caused more for myself. One day, I came to the realization that I was, in fact, pregnant. My father was terrifying and I could not tell him. I didn’t have a mother to go to. So, I went to my boyfriend and his older brother, who was his role model since his father was absent from his life. The advice we received was to get a phone book, call an abortion clinic and schedule an appt. I was in shock, terrified and for the most part paralyzed. I had no idea what was best for me or my baby. So, I did what I was told to do. I will NEVER forget that day. I told no one! I was told to meet him after our 3rd period class, we would skip the second half of school that day and he would drive me to my appt and then take me home. I had no clue that that was going to be a day that would literally haunt me for the rest of my life.
We drove up, went inside and I met with a nurse who did a cpl test, evaluated me, put me in a waiting room with other girls/women and I waited for my name to be called. They then took me to a small room, laid me on a table, gave me something to put me to sleep and that was all I remember until I woke up in “recovery”, which was a complete blur. I was in pain but on so much medication that I barely remember the drive to drop me off where I lived, which at the time was an “extended stay hotel” because my father was in b/t homes. I had my own efficiency next door to my dad. I played sick that night and the next two days. I was in such pain, but the physical pain didn’t compare to the emotional. Rumors were spread at school and then finally my boyfriend put in a position that I couldn’t hide from. He was arrested for possession and intent to distribute cocaine, but threw the drugs in my purse… life had turned into something I did not know or recognize.
One year later I moved to live w/ my mother bc my father and new stepmother didn’t want to deal w/ me any longer. My life changed. I was enrolled in a Catholic school, baptized for the first time and slowly began to find my true self. I was doing great and really thought I had stuffed my pain so deep inside that I could forget what I did. One morning I woke up from a horrible dream. The secret that I carried so deep inside my soul manifested itself in a dream/nightmare. A baby boy with dark curly hair and big blue eyes came to me and held out his arms to me, but I couldn’t reach him. I woke up with a heavy heavy heart. It was a Thursday and the reason I remember that is because we had Mass every Thursday morning and to my surprise this Mass dedicated to the babies killed in abortions! It was the week that all prayers were dedicated to the innocent babies. The entire Mass consisted of statistics and stories. All the feelings I had worked so hard to suppress, even that morning as I got dressed for school, all came down on me like never before. I could not control my emotion any longer and I finally told a friend; a good friend bc while she didn’t REALLY understand what I had been through, but she tried and she didn’t judge me. That is when I SLOWLY began to heal and TRY to forgive myself. I will never fully forgive myself and I will NEVER forget that day. I will never forget that dream bc they still come to me. I still find myself calculating how old “he” would be. (I’m convinced it was a he) I can not stop the tears right now as I type this, but it is important for me to share this with those of you who don’t truly understand what it feels like to carry the guilt of allowing someone to kill your very own baby. That pain will never heal. What does give me some comfort is to put myself in the place as that scared, lost, 16 yr old girl that I barely recognize today and I know that if she would have felt more love support and had more emotional strength, she would have chosen life. Now I am almost 29 yrs old, finished college several years ago and have a very successful career. I am not married though and continue to push men away. I want children so bad, but I am terrified that the second part to my pain has not yet been realized and that I will not be able to have children.
So, please don’t judge, don’t condemn, don’t pray for just the babies; pray for the young, scared, lost girls because they need your prayers too.
To answer your question, Tam, I believe that the definition of “fetus” or “baby” is simple. Fetus is defined as an unborn or unhatched vertebrate in the later stages of development showing the main recognizable features of the mature animal. A baby is defined as an infant; a newborn child. What is not as simple is which word to use to describe what is growing inside you or someone else. In most cases this is determined by circumstance and typically comes down to whether the person sees that potential person as a life and a blessing or something unwanted, for whatever the reason. Granted, some people do not choose their words wisely, but through the context of the word, you can see what their meaning behind the word is. Forgive those who try to offer sympathy and choose an inappropriate word bc their heart is in the right place. It is a spiritual choice and I choose to believe that upon conception, it is a baby or a potential life. I choose life, but at one time in my life I was not emotionally mature enough to do so. Now, I choose to see all women (or men) that do NOT choose life emotionally immature also, no matter their age. My heart goes out to them because they are not able to accept the gift they have been given. Unfortunately, they will pay the price for their decision as I have. I believe that what is important is that no person that is incapable of recognizing this as a baby should be able to choose whether the “fetus” or “baby” lives or dies. That is not for any of us to decide.
I hope that all who read this say a prayer for the soul of the innocent babies that were not given life due to an abortion and for the babies that were not given life due to complications of pregnancy; but please do not forget to say a prayer for the mothers, whether it was their choice or not because they are both experiencing pain and always will…
first…thank you so much for sharing your story. i know, first hand, how hard that can be.
this post was in a series of a week dedicated to abortion and all its questions.
my first abortion was also at the tender age of 16. and so much of what you wrote i can identify with. and for that…my heart breaks for you, for that little girl you once were. and also for the young lady youve become.
you mentioned you will never truly forgive yourself. i have to say, to that, that was my biggest obstacle. but once i cleared it, it was the biggest defining moment. it was the last link in the chain that was holding me tight to past.
i dont know how to walk you through that. all i know how to do is pray for you and encourage you.
youve come such a long way. im proud of you.
Dear Paige, thank you for sharing your story. I just want you to know that recovery from the emotional pain after abortion IS possible. I’ve been through recovery, and now I take other women and men through recovery.
If you ever want to go through a specialised abortion recovery programme without having to go into a centre, you can do this online here: http://www.careconfidential.com – it’s run by christians from all different backgrounds and walks of life. There’s also a place where people have shared their own stories of pregnancy crisis and abortion.
Praying for you sister, and I’m sure we’re going to meet our lost children one day.
laura, i love your heart. thank you so much for sharing this with paige.
and, yes, i also believe we will meet our babies in heaven some day.
I can still remember being pregnant when a Sergeant encouraged me to go to a place that gave free pregnancy tests. I dropped off my urine and went my way. I called them later and asked them if it was too late. The lady on the phone stated, “For and abortion?” I practically shouted back in surprise, “No!!” I found out it was an abortion clinic. Anyway, I loved my baby and could not do that. Now Amber is 23 and I have a 21 year old daughter. Amber got pregnant in 2004 and miscarried on Christmas day at my place. She later got pregnant and lied to me about loosing the baby and I had a suspicion about it which was later confirmed after we talked about our present Commander In Chief who believes in abortions. She had aborted it and I just held her as she cried and tried to help her. Later after she had left I cried and felt very depressed. You see, although I have never had one it is a subject I feel so strongly about the right for every baby to live. My heart goes out to these hurting girls and I am in anguish over how these clinics deceive mothers! When I was pregnant with my second daughter Dawn, I prayed and had a chance to place a lot of tracts in both English & Spanish entitled, “Children, Things We Throw Away.”
Now, Amber got pregnant in 2008 and miscarried in March. She met a great guy last year and was pregnant and just miscarried Friday evening! I ordered a ring that says, “HOPE” on it in 2008 thinking of her unborn child and when I came she miscarried. Now I was thinking about that ring that I wear and praying hard even for a hedge of protection for this child and she again lost it! My heart is broken for Amber and in anguish I asked God why? I know I have to trust him though! Not only is it horrible for those poor people who miscarry and have abortions but what about people like myself. I’m looking forward to going to heaven and meeting those 4 grandchildren but my heart still is breaking. My youngest Dawn did have a girl and she will be 2 soon. She is the joy of my life next to my girls. Just wanted to bring this perspective to you.
Wow, I feel so much pain for anyone who has lost a child, and so much sadnes that people chose to have them taken. God gives life and we have not the right to carelessly take it away before they even have the chance to live. Bless oyu for sharing this. I wrote a poem about this a few years ago.. I would like to share it here if I may.
Momma Why?
Momma, why did you forsake me?
Why did you choose to end my life?
Did you not know how much I’d love you,
When you chose the doctor’s knife?
God had given me beginnigs,
Of what He would have me be,
So Momma why did you not want me?
I was a gift, could you not see?
Momma, you have my forgiveness,
God says that you have His too,
But I wish that you had let me,
Have a chance to grow in you.
I guess that you thought you had reasons,
But Momma, you have lost so much,
Not to feel me grow inside you,
Not to feel your baby’s touch.
As I sit with God in Heaven,
I question why you stopped my life.
Did you not know how much I’d love you,
When you chose the doctor’s knife?
Jo Hobelman
Hi Tam,
I am just now finding my way back to your page after sharing my story with you back in April. It seems that your prayers worked!!! A few weeks ago, I was told about a women who leads a group called Tears to Treasures. It’s a ministry that helps women heal from the guilt and hurt from abortion by teaching you to accept forgiveness from God and then forgiving yourself. Your prayers were answered by God and He lead me to this ministry. I will be forever grateful. For the first time I can see that I am on my way to freedom from my guilt. I am getting to know God and trust Him for the first time. My life will be forever changed and I will do everything I can to help other girls/women facing the decision of an unwanted pregnancy or the pain from the decision of an abortion. Go to http://www.tearstotreasures.com and you can see the amazing work that this woman is doing. Thank you again for your prayers and helping me find my way. 🙂
Paige….this is the most beautiful thing ive read in a long time!!! i am so thrilled!
praise you Lord!!
i like this site it is nice to see such honesty and support
about a month ago i was told my daughter which im 24 weeks pregnant tis weeek that her stomach and liver are switched there technically on the wrong sides her heart also is on the wrong side and has a hole in her heart i was given the option of abortion ive had two abortions in the past due to severe addictions which is no excuse i chose the pain and guilt of the abortions contributed to a long battle with addiction that i would never do it again i thought after the first abortion that the issue would never arise it was taken care of but with abortion it never goes away even if you had the best of reasons to persue that choice i dont condemn anyone for their choices thats between them and god i have three children and my oldest has had an abortion i chose with this pregnancy even with her health issues who am i to stop something god has not stopped himself although i feel awful what my unborn child will endure after being born with operations but i feel god would have had me miscarry this angel if she was not supposed to be given a chance at life im glad i found this site its nice to see that im not alone
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