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a timely reminder…

February 23, 2010

ive said countless times on this blog before that people only have as much power over you as you let them.

its something i was reminded of this weekend. a very interesting thing happened; a friend asked me if so and so and i are were doing better? perplexed, i still responded automatically with a yes. then quickly asked, were we not doing good??

oh…she responded, i just remember (blah, blah, blah) and so and so told me (blah, blah, blah)…


appropriate conversation or not, it awoke a lot of memories of friendships long ago.

i do believe that there are seasons for everything. but i was also reminded that when you are in the middle of spring, experiencing new growth, you have to let the death of winter go.

it doesnt matter how much you want to be validated and confirmed. it doesnt matter how badly you want that blank stare to turn into a smile – the silence turned into a kind word.

it isnt someone elses job to make us feel significant. that, for me, must come from God. and as i, we, mature in Him we wont long for the approval of others. not in an unhealthy way.

i always think of this verse…prov 3:27

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it,
when it is in your power to act.

…and im reminded how powerful our actions and words are. and even more how powerful the lack of both can be.

have you ever experienced this?

27 Comments leave one →
  1. February 23, 2010 12:02 pm

    I’ve experienced it a lot in my life both giving and receiving the good. I try now not to hold good back from people because it just doesn’t do good for either one of us.

    As for the kind word, it can go miles. I rarely get them in my life so I make a point to try and uplift & encourage everyone either in person or on their blogs. I try to make special effort if someone is having a season of silence from upstairs or if they’re stepping out into some ministry to where they’ve been called by God. Encouragement costs you nothing but the value to the recipient can be priceless.

    • February 23, 2010 12:27 pm

      “Encouragement costs you nothing but the value to the recipient can be priceless”

      love that!!

  2. February 23, 2010 12:09 pm

    It isn’t someone else’s job to make me feel validated? That’s where I’ve been messed up. 🙂 Why, oh, why do I want everyone to like me & encourage me & tell me I’m wonderful. I care WAY too much what people think and if I know someone’s not happy with me it eats away at my peace of mind. I really needed this timely reminder too. This is yet another area where I wsh I was “growing up” faster. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you. 🙂

    • February 23, 2010 12:27 pm

      you are definitely not alone, melissa. i think its safe to say we ALL struggle with this, in our own ways. not everyone will admit to it tho. so…youre not alone, girl 😉

  3. February 23, 2010 12:15 pm

    uuuuuugh, you should read my post yesterday. 😆

    • February 23, 2010 12:28 pm

      on my way…

    • February 23, 2010 12:38 pm

      wow. read it…been there too.

      ya know…one of the things i struggle with is authentic friendships. being my friend because of me…not because of what or who i am associated with. ive had friends in my life when we’ve been a part of the same thing (think church ministry 😉 ) and then they leave that ministry and the friendship behind. it speaks volumes to me. but i have to let those go. and i have to be ok with that.

      it has made me be very careful now. not guarded…just careful.

      • Heidi permalink
        February 23, 2010 12:56 pm

        I think that’s a great point. Being in leadership, people tend to be drawn to you,and sometimes they don’t realize that you are human too. I want people to know that I pass gas, I might yell, and sometimes I may even stutter, or that I don’t believe in making my bed sometimes and even I may drink out of the OJ jug a few times. SHHH…

        The word does tell us that we need to be guarded.
        Not fenced in
        Just guarded

        • February 23, 2010 3:38 pm

          Heidi, there is a song by Vota that I LOVE…. “if you don’t see the real me you won’t see what Love has done, if you don’t see the real me you won’t see how far I’ve come….” Your post here made me think of that.

      • February 23, 2010 3:36 pm

        Tam, the difference with this frienship that I was talking about…. she’s family that I married into. So we will always notice the gap. It will always be obvious…that makes it much harder. I almost wish it was one of those things where people go completely in seperate directions, might be easier. But this will always be there. *sigh* I think I’m at the point now where I’m very okay with it, especially after reading back through some emails and seeing just how destructive it was for me, and I’m sure for her as well.

  4. Heidi permalink
    February 23, 2010 12:17 pm

    Yes, I am experiencing this as I speak. ( I am a natural at meeting people, I am able to step into crowds and usually make friends real simple.) I’m so thankful to God for the gift… Don’t get me wrong.
    But sometimes, it’s a curse. I have so many people to “take care of” or I have tried to attain worth from the numbers. Only to find sometimes to feel depleted and empty.

    This last year thru some tough times and in the present day in a real illness of my own. I FOUND with God’s grace and loving arm and His Word; Whom, and who I shall be is what I am.

    My worth is not in the numbers like our bank accounts, it’s the worth of the friends whom are there in the secretacy of silence, pain, and unstoppable Joy of Christ the overflows. It’s the women or the men whom stand beside you, love, and cherish you when you are real and raw.

    It’s in a God who loves me NO matter where I am and Where I came from…

    • February 23, 2010 12:29 pm

      theres wisdom in knowing where to draw the line. when to say no. and know that you answer to no one but you, God and your family. you cant be everything to everyone. cuz if you try…you become nothing of yourself…

      been there. done that.

      love you sis!

  5. February 23, 2010 2:27 pm

    I have been pondering that same verse lately! sigh.

    Sorry you had to face discordant notes with your friend. You are loved. Always.

    • February 23, 2010 4:16 pm

      its one of my favorite verses. its a constant reminder i need to be aware of as i interact with others. we all want to be respected and feel valued. and we all should be careful to extend grace and love to all. not always easy, this i know.

  6. February 23, 2010 3:15 pm

    i wish letting “the death of winter go” were easier than it actually is… even when what i cling to is unhealthy and even outright hurtful, i seem to hang on simply because it’s comfortable. familiar. i know how to navigate through it, even though i hate it. ugh.

    i need to let go. and step into spring.

    • February 23, 2010 3:21 pm

      what if you are in spring? i dont think spring means there will only be beauty. it takes a lot of work and pain to push yourself up through the hard soil. but you have that determination to let the new life be seen…and thats what youre doing now, friend. keep pushing…

      • Heidi permalink
        February 23, 2010 4:20 pm

        Yes Alece…. push with all your might FF. Love you!!

  7. February 23, 2010 3:19 pm

    I really identify with the part you said about being validated and confirmed. I’ve always struggled with this since I was a child. I based my self worth on the praise I received from doing something or behaving a certain way. It lead to horrible perfectionist tendencies that I’m finally learning to let go of in my 30s. My love language is words of affirmation and while I do need those I am also learning that my worth come from who I am in God and not how well I do things.

    • February 23, 2010 4:20 pm

      honestly, i think its a life long lesson. id be lying if i said that didnt care what anyone but God thought of me. i think the key for us is to not become dependent on what others think. thats the fine line that easily get blurred. im learning to see it too 🙂

  8. February 23, 2010 4:18 pm

    What does the song mean, “Friends are friends forever if the Lord’s the Lord of them?”

    I wonder about that sometimes…

    It should be true, doncha think?

    • February 23, 2010 4:22 pm

      mmm, good point, red…very good point.

      ya know…although i believe we will not click with everyone we ever meet – that would be impossible given all the many different personalities and such. but that doesnt mean we should have a hatred toward, or a blatant disrespect for one another. yes, especially if the Lord is the Lord of us.

      • February 23, 2010 4:32 pm


        It’s a very sad thing when it happens…and the pain of it is difficult to overcome. It’s not at all the Lord’s desire for us, but so what we do in self-righteousness. If we could truly live the words, “owe nothing to any man except love.”

        I love your response, TammyJo. You’ve had to think this one through…or so it seems.

  9. February 23, 2010 4:51 pm

    meaning that hit a tender spot with me.
    i have such a hard time letting the dead of winter go.
    what a good reminder…..

  10. February 24, 2010 3:52 am

    ummm…have i experienced this??? am i a girl????

    oh the drama of some friendships. i’m finally learning how to begin pruning people out of my life.

    randomly this post made me think of Beth Midler’s “The Rose” which I learned to sign at summer camp — you know you are kind of impressed.

    “Just remember in the winter far beneath the winter snow, lies a seed that with the sun’s love in the Spring becomes the rose.”

    yes, I have a little too much time and energy at geek-y tech-y book conference.

  11. February 24, 2010 6:59 am

    Oh yes… Like Lindsey said “I’m a girl”…LOL God has me all to Himself at the moment for many different reasons. And in being in that position I have found how very important it is to surround myself with healthy, mature Christian people who can edify my walk with Him. If it harms my walk with Him, I HAVE to distance myself. He comes first and is the gauge that I measure close friendships by anymore. Will people hurt me, make mistakes? Yup, every day, and I will mess up daily as well. We’re human…. it’s when it is evident as a way of life that prompts me to withdraw and pray for them. As far as bringing up the past, I don’t have time, or honestly very much patience with that. If God removes things, and remembers no more, there’s my example. His mercies are new every morning, so should mine be. Ummmm yeah…. that’s EVERY morning….LOL Love ya Tammers! 🙂

  12. February 24, 2010 11:27 am

    ~ Tam

    “i do believe that there are seasons for everything. but i was also reminded that when you are in the middle of spring, experiencing new growth, you have to let the death of winter go.”

    This is such a powerful gut wrenching statement. I wish it wasn’t so hard to let go and sometimes I wonder why I try to hold on!?

    Love you friend

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