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for you LOST fans…

March 3, 2010

when i was in nashville i had some fabulous guest posters here at inProgress. i put a call out that i needed some people to write for me while i was away and i got so many amazing offers i still have a folder full of them. so heres one of the many great ones to come from jeff holton, my twitter friend.

and…having never watched an episode of LOST, i have NO idea what this post is about 😕


Everything I Need To Know About Life I Learned Watching LOST

Now that the final season of LOST is upon us, two things are perfectly clear:

  1. There are enough religious, spiritual, archetypal, literary, and cultural themes here to give an anthropologist, a priest, an English professor, and a psychotherapist (who walk into a bar?) something to talk about for far more than their lifetimes will allow.
  2. LOST fans will spend this year being more annoying than ever.

But seriously, folks. Five plus years of watching LOST has revealed very practical lessons for us. Consider these:

  • Sure enough, one nuclear bomb going off in your face can (and probably will) ruin your whole day. But don’t worry about it too much. It’s not the end of the world.
  • The old time travel paradox is not really that big of a deal. You know that paradox. It’s the one that “proves” that time travel is impossible because, hypothetically, suppose you went back in time and killed your mother before you were conceived. But, then you’d never be born so you wouldn’t be able to go back in time and kill your mother before you were conceived, see? Actually, J.J. Abrams has this irritating habit of circumventing that paradox, but this isn’t my point. My point is that your greater problem is getting back there and finding out that your mother is more trigger happy than you are. Whoops.
  • Giving your closest friends irritating nicknames that amuse no one but yourself is a great way to pass the time when you’re stuck on a mysterious island for the better part of a hundred days. Or fifty years. Or whatever.
  • If you bump into an old friend you weren’t expecting to see and he starts talking all weird, take notes. Especially if he’s been dead for years. What he’s saying is probably important.
  • Know where to find water. Jesus was into that, too. He helped the woman at the well find water that quenches thirst forever, and he helped a lame guy walk again after waiting for however long to get dropped into a magic pool or something. My point is that where there’s perfectly clean water, expect seriously wack boo.
  • Before going on a transpacific trip, be sure to watch or read the following:
    1. a survival guide
    2. Lord of the Flies
    3. Heart of Darkness
    4. all seasons of Gilligan’s Island
    5. The Shining
    6. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

    Actually, the last one has nothing whatsoever to do with LOST, but it’s a good read.

  • While you’re at it, learn to play backgammon. It apparently helps for understanding reality.

    Granted, I don’t know how to play backgammon, so I’m not entirely sure how.

  • The current author does not consider this venue the proper place to take a moral stand on gambling in general. However, if you must play the lottery, do not use the numbers:

    4 8 15 16 23 42

    Yes, I memorized those. How sad is that?

  • If a really scary guy from the future tells you that you’ve got to leave or you’re gonna die, just go have a beer. He already knows you’re gonna die.
  • Drugs are bad, mmmkay? So don’t do drugs. Really. No, I’m serious about this one. Cut it out. And if you can’t cut it out, go hang out with the bald guy.
  • Devoting your life to the quest for vengeance is a bad idea. Invariably, you wind up killing the wrong person. If you find yourself in this situation, please remember to say sorry afterwards.
  • When you’re nosing around in your basement and you find an old, wooden ship’s wheel mounted sideways, it would probably be best not to touch it.
  • You know that cliché “where there’s smoke, there’s fire?” Yeah, I’m not so sure about that one.
  • “Christian Shephard” is a seriously lame choice for a character’s name in a show where the difference between good and evil is totally magnified and overemphasized.

    Granted, it’s probably not much better than his cousin Derek (“the [right] way [to go]”) who operates on brains instead of spines back in Seattle. Hmmmm. That is his cousin, right? I totally wouldn’t be surprised. It would completely explain how Meredith spent so much time with her mother when she drowned…oh, wait…we’re crossing the streams here…

  • Along those lines, keep in mind that “Benjamin” means “son of my right hand.” Yes, Benjamin Linus is the Devil’s right-hand man. Duh. Like no one saw that coming.
  • If a man you’ve never met before suddenly gives you flowers, that’s Impulse. If, on the other hand, a man you’ve never met before tells you that every 108 minutes he has to type in some crazy secret code or the world will be destroyed, and then he high-tails it out of the building, YOU START TYPING!!
  • Don’t kill God. It’s bad form. It might piss him off. Not that it hasn’t been done before, granted, but it just isn’t nice. Philip Pullman, please take note.
  • You know that FAA requirement that you pack your own luggage? Generally, yes, but if God gives you a carry-on, you can trust him. Especially if it’s a guitar case. (Yes, everyone knows it’s not a guitar in there. We’re all aware that Jesus doesn’t play guitar. He has Phil Keaggy do it for him.)

If you keep these lessons in mind, you too should be able to survive a crash landing on an uncharted island with no chance of rescue, a jungle attack by a polar bear, a close friendship with an Iraqi torturer and assassin, hired mercenaries with no regard for the value of a human life, time travel (and the requisite migraines and bloody noses), and nasty monsters made out of black smoke.

And just stop to think how lost we’d all be without that knowledge!

15 Comments leave one →
  1. March 3, 2010 9:16 pm

    This may seriously be my most favorite post ever written.

    And, for the record, if Sawyer/James took to calling me Freckles, it would totally be worth facing a smoke monster for.

  2. March 3, 2010 9:48 pm

    Seriously, I’m rolling on the floor. Again. Still.

    Whoever wrote this is a genius!

    And so very, very humble.

    Oh, and really good looking, too.

  3. March 4, 2010 7:51 am

    Hahahahaha!!! Fantastic post!!

    Yes! I’m laughing…wow.

    Oh, Gitz! I just thought the same thing…about Freckles and fave post ever.


  4. March 4, 2010 8:06 am

    i really do need to watch this show. i mean, the post is funny to me, but i imagine it would be even funnier if i knew all the ‘whys’ 😀

    that aside….i love how you write, jeff!

    you should do this for a living 🙂

  5. March 4, 2010 8:46 am

    brilliant. beautiful. somewhat funny. ok, ok. lots funny. that’s good grammar, right?

  6. March 4, 2010 11:35 am

    I really need to watch this show. Get the DVD. Buy myself a few weeks of slothful couch potatoing, and watch it straight through.

    And then come back here and re-read this post.

    • March 4, 2010 11:36 am

      ooo, ooo! lets do this together. like, YOU, here!!

      we have margareeeeeeetas 😀

      • March 4, 2010 12:09 pm

        OR… you could both come here and I could help you make sense of it since I’ve already seen it.

        AND, I would supply Oreos.

        • March 4, 2010 12:44 pm

          Always two there are: a master, and an apprentice. No more, no less.

          (Speaking of which, Yoda totally should be friends with Jacob.)

      • March 5, 2010 6:12 am

        i am so in! 😉

  7. March 4, 2010 1:11 pm

    Okay, Jake and I stopped watching regularly 2 years ago, and all last year I was lucky to catch every other episode, and THIS year….is a wash. I’m so stoked though that Netflix has all the seasons (besides this last one) on instant play so we hope to catch up. Actually, we really should start from the beginning.

    And the Benjamin Linus thing, yeah I didn’t get that. It’s not surprising, but I never got it. I knew he was crazy evil and he FREAKED THE CRAP out of me, but never made that connection. Innnnneresting.

    Tam, you’ve NEVER seen Lost? Daaaaang….. Daniel (Hefley) I noticed was posting on FB a few weeks ago that he was watching it starting from Season 1….. it sounded like he was watching it every.single.night….. and everytime I was cracking up at his hilarious posts about how much his head hurt from making sense of the nonsense he had just watched.

    Lost will kill your brain. Seriously.

  8. Jim2 permalink
    March 4, 2010 4:13 pm

    Okay, so I’ve never even watched a complete minute of Lost, so of course my favorite line from the post was “We’re all aware that Jesus doesn’t play guitar. He has Phil Keaggy do it for him.” that cracked me up!

  9. TheNorEaster permalink
    March 4, 2010 7:44 pm

    Now just what in tarnation is he talking about…?


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