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community confessions

April 28, 2010

lets try this again. this will be another men/women confessions post.

πŸ™‚

the last post listed 10 things that annoy men about women. i thought the list was great and the discussion, when on topic, was fun and light hearted.

its important for us to take responsibility and be willing to admit we can be a nuisance to the opposite sex.

i know. shocking. but true.

honestly…i didnt find many lists from the womens side. and none i found were deep or personal or attacking the mans character. most were annoyances over household issues.

so, i ultimately settled on a list written my men. its fun! i loved it! here are their top 10 admitted nuisances along with some excerpts. to see the whole post, go here.

10. we leave a wake of empty containers We’ll pour water into near-empty shampoo bottles to maximize whatever’s left; we’ll leave behind a thimbleful of milk in the carton instead of throwing it out. Heck, we’ll even leave a toilet paper roll with one square remaining and wipe with our shirts if we have to. So long as there’s just a teeny, tiny bit left, we won’t be the ones responsible for disposing of it and, more importantly, buying a replacement.

9. we splash the mirror when we brush our teethLet’s face it: We’re territorial creatures at best.Β Therefore, leaving behind a little white glob of toothpaste after we’ve brushed is just our way of marking our territory. It says, “I’ve been here and I’m cavity-free.

8. we leave hair in the sink after shavingAll men hate the actual process of shaving. It’s time-consuming, painful and a miserable way to start the day. Therefore, as a sign of protest, we elect to leave our pesky little beard trimmings in the sink to show ’em who’s boss.

7. we use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one Why use the same dirty, germ-ridden glass time after time when you could enjoy a crisp, sanitized one whenever you like? Besides, what fun is there in having possessions if you never use them?

6. we pee on the toilet seat Granted, this is one of our least pardonable offenses, but it wouldn’t have to be if women simply left the toilet seat up in the first place. Since women need to sit down to relieve themselves, it’s easy for them to bring the seat down with them in one fluid motion. We men, on the other hand, have to bend down, lift the seat, begin peeing, and then bend down again to return the seat when we’re done. We go to the washroom to pee, not to perform calisthenics.

5. we litter the ground with laundryIt’s far more fun to throw our clothes here and there as if a bomb went off in our closet.

4. we dont do houseworkWhen it comes to home repairs and renovations, men are king. Hey, if God had wanted us to sweep and dust, he would have given us feathers instead of fingers.

3. we burp and fart indiscriminatelyScientists and academics often comment upon what a shame it is that we use only 10% of our brains. For most men, the same reasoning applies to our sphincters and throats. Like any other part of our body, these muscles need to be kept in shape. They [women] should be flattered that we’re comfortable enough around them to risk sharting ourselves. At the end of the day, isn’t that what love is all about?

2. we develop a martyr complex when we get sick When men get sick we go into a Shakespearian death throe, certain we’re on the verge of sputtering out our last breath. We collapse wherever is convenient… It’s not subtle, but more often than not it gets us the attention we crave.

1. we channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly) – As King of the Castle, we consider it our right to rule the remote control with an iron fist. Making matters worse is the lightning-fast speeds at which we flip through the channels — so fast as to trigger epileptic seizures seven households away.

********************************************************************

i seriously found this list so funny. it almost makes their annoyances charming when you read their explanations.

see? communication is key πŸ˜‰

well, women of this fine community…do you agree with this list? what would you add?

how about you, you charming fellas…do you agree with these men? are there any other annoyances youd like to confess to? πŸ™‚


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168 Comments leave one →
  1. April 28, 2010 6:47 pm

    Honestly, I’m actually relieved I do some of these things. But I’ve never understood #6. I know I’m the only man on the planet who prefers the lids to be down when the loo isn’t in use, just like I prefer cupboard doors, drawers, etc, etc to be closed.

    Meanwhile, #2 – Man Cold anyone?

    • April 28, 2010 7:11 pm

      CLASSIC!

      this has goodness all over it!

    • April 28, 2010 7:12 pm

      This is hilarious. I admit that I don’t like being sick… and I actually prefer to be left alone. Of course, I wouldn’t mind be babied to some extent.

    • April 29, 2010 7:03 am

      So glad my husband doesn’t think he’s dying when he’s sick. I know I’m so freaking special. Ohhh look at Prudence and her fancy husband. LOL.

    • April 29, 2010 4:08 pm

      yea… if you didnt post this video.. I was going to put it on here.. but you are on the ball my friend..on the ball

  2. April 28, 2010 7:05 pm

    I’m so glad you posted that David – I was just about to do the same thing! (well the video, not the comments….)

    • April 28, 2010 7:06 pm

      Life is incomplete without it…just as this post would have been πŸ˜€

  3. April 28, 2010 7:29 pm

    10. we leave a wake of empty containers:
    These are actually like bread crumbs that lead us back to the refrigerator.

    9. we splash the mirror when we brush our teeth:
    This is how we know we are brushing hard enough to scrub the enamel off of our teeth. Real men don’t need enamel… what the toothbrush misses we will use a chewed-off fingernail later to dig at.

    8. we leave hair in the sink after shaving:
    So THAT is what is in the sink! I thought it was some weird gothic glitter.

    7. we use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one:
    What you don’t know is when there are no more clean glasses (even after we have used all those McDonald’s 42 ounce plastic cups that the ladies kept for ‘just in case’) is that we will just resort to drinking straight from the jug.

    6. we pee on the toilet seat:
    We try not to… but having done so we will then lift the seat to make it appear it wasn’t our fault.

    5. we litter the ground with laundry:
    What’s laundry?

    4. we dont do housework:
    We want to make sure the job is done right and we understand or shortcomings in this area. Look at it this way – you won’t have to redo all the stuff we did wrong the first time.

    3. we burp and fart indiscriminately:
    That is a big word for “we just like to make sounds that have a secondary odor benefit”. It gives us a reason to work on our story-telling skills. “Did you hear that bull frog in the corner?”

    2. we develop a martyr complex when we get sick:
    I don’t know who Marty is but I am sure he feels as bad as our wives do that we aren’t feeling well.

    1. we channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly):
    “Ahhh,… brown box make pretty colors….push button make more pretty colors…. wife like pretty things… more pretty colors make wife more happy then… push button more.”

  4. April 28, 2010 8:24 pm

    you’re so right. those explanations make the annoyances seem so oddly cute.
    darnit.

    • April 29, 2010 7:03 am

      its a hard admission to make. but its true.

  5. April 28, 2010 9:07 pm

    aah. i’m enjoying this one πŸ™‚

    • April 29, 2010 7:04 am

      its like a breath of fresh air.

      except for #3

      πŸ˜•

      • April 29, 2010 7:36 am

        We all know that we like to visit the country side for some fresh air. And that is where we find dairy farms.

        Where there is dairy farms there is dairy air.

        So by simple logical connection, dairy air is fresh air.

        I have a derriere and, thusly, we have made the jump that number 3 does in fact constitute fresh air!! πŸ˜‰

        • April 29, 2010 7:38 am

          THAT is HILARIOUS!

        • April 29, 2010 8:04 am

          OH.MY.FUNNYBONE!!!!!

        • April 29, 2010 2:36 pm

          OH MY WORD. That did me in!

        • April 29, 2010 2:42 pm

          HA! TONY! sooo funny!

        • May 2, 2010 4:06 pm

          We discovered in science class years ago that the methane produced by cows in dairy farms is one of the major contributors to Ozone depletion (hence our “how to save the environment” slogan of “save the ozone, cork a cow”)…

          Hmm….I wonder how much methane MEN produce? πŸ™‚

  6. April 28, 2010 9:21 pm

    ha ha ha! sad part is…*i* do a lot of these! 9, 5, 4, 3…good thing my husband loves me regardless! πŸ˜‰

    #8 tripped me out though: “All men hate the actual process of shaving. It’s time-consuming, painful and a miserable way to start the day.” as if it’s so much fun for us ladies to shave…well, wherever we individually shave! ha ha ha! at least they have the benefit of doing it at the bathroom sink!

    • April 29, 2010 7:06 am

      i thought the same thing about #8. i have a lot of leg. im ‘tall’ and legs are long. so its like i shave half my body. its not fun or time efficient.

      but, i suspect, one day you and i both will also have facial hair to shave…and we’ll feel their, additional, pain.

      😯

      oh. and im half of #3. brent has still never heard me fart. we’re working on 19 yrs this summer. πŸ˜€

      • April 29, 2010 7:41 am

        he may not have heard, but…..

        • April 29, 2010 8:05 am

          ohtrue. its not that i havent….i just am very private about it. there are places to do those things at, ya know…

          • April 29, 2010 8:34 am

            Like the living room…

          • April 29, 2010 8:42 am

            My wife has Fart ESP. There are times she will look at me and ask, “Did you fart?” And I will be like, “Dang.. no.. but I was thinking about it.”

            It is very eerie.

            So what are supposed to do in that instance? Do you just go ahead and bring her prognostications to bear or do you stifle it and endure the pain?

          • April 29, 2010 1:43 pm

            my SIL has a rule for none of that in the kitchen! she even makes the dogs obey that rule! ha ha ha! now that she’s got a 2 year old…she’s added no whining in the kitchen…so that would take care of #3 & #2 πŸ˜‰

            #3 i’m much more of a burper…i do a pretty good job of keeping the other half under wraps πŸ™‚
            oi! i do NOT look forward to facial hair πŸ˜₯
            ::grin::

      • April 29, 2010 2:45 pm

        i’m not much for passing gass in front of my husband. and burping is just so…manly.
        i do toot (or tilt, as i like to call it) in front of my hubs sometimes. but mostly when i know it’s all bark and no bite, if you catch my “drift”. HA.

        i also have a rule about doing it in bed. strictly off limits. period.

        • April 29, 2010 6:26 pm

          What?

          How do you ensure that it’s all bite and no bark?

          Is there some sort of trick that you ladies know about that your are keeping from the guys? Cause….

          if so… keep it to yourselves.

          The odor is most of the gift. Otherwise it would be like having thunder and no lightning.

          • April 29, 2010 7:23 pm

            precisely. thunder. just a bunch of rumbling with no real strike. πŸ™‚
            and it’s like…intuition.
            my gift to myself is the lack of odor, thank GOD!

          • April 29, 2010 8:06 pm

            the odor is the offense.

            you boys are weird.

            plain and simple. weird.

  7. April 29, 2010 1:38 am

    I have a SERIOUS problem with this list.

    I think I might be a dude. 😳

    And even worse, I am now convinced Jake is a chic. 😯

    OY.

    • April 29, 2010 7:07 am

      dude, you ARE a dude!

      • April 29, 2010 7:47 am

        This makes me think of that scene in “Dude where’s my car” where they read eachother’s tattoo’s.

        “What’s mine say?”
        “DUDE!”

        “Okay, what’s mine say?”
        “Sweet!”

        “Okay but what does MINE say?”
        “DUDE!”

        “Dude, what does MINE SAY?”
        “SWEEEEET!!!!”

        πŸ˜†

        Sorry. haha!

    • April 29, 2010 8:17 am

      Brandy – me tooo! I’m like ALL of them. Except peeing on the seat. i only do that on occasion. *blush*

      • April 29, 2010 12:14 pm

        I KNOW! I kept reading that list thinking…. “that is soooo me, and he is soooo opposite of this list!” haha! πŸ˜†

      • April 29, 2010 8:07 pm

        “Except peeing on the seat. i only do that on occasion.”

        omaword!

        πŸ˜†

  8. April 29, 2010 2:48 am

    Ha! I love the one about the flicking channels!! All my guy friends do this and it drives me nuts!!!!!!! Having said that my mum does it too and it drives my Dad CRAZY πŸ™‚

    • April 29, 2010 7:08 am

      i just dont understand how they can flip thru so fast and see enough to know they dont wanta stop on the cooking channel.

      its fascinating, really.

      • April 29, 2010 8:56 am

        Me, either. I can’t watch TV in split second decisions by the party holding the remote captive! Except my husband DOES stop on the cooking channel. He is, by far, the better cook in this family.

  9. brett permalink
    April 29, 2010 4:07 am

    I for one flick channels because, as a guy, I can see the entirety of a plot or news story in the quarter of a second my brain is trained upon it. Take this dramatization to see my point:

    Flick–

    Angry girl, defensive guy: he’s sleeping on the sofa if he’s sleeping inside at all…

    Flick —

    Sponge Bob: something stupid is going to happen, they are going to play the dolphin sound effect, and Mr. Krabs is going to talk about money.

    Flick —

    QVC: yeah, I have always wondered if there was a tail nail clipper that stored the clippings in a convenient plastic case until I am ready to dispose of them!

    Flick —

    HGTV: so that’s what I can use the toenail clippings for…

    Flick —

    CSPAN: Hmm, congress sure walks around aimlessly alot.

    Flick —

    Lots of guns, vehicles, and bandannas: lots of people are going to get killed here …. but how are they going to do it?

    • April 29, 2010 7:08 am

      BRILLIANT!

    • April 29, 2010 1:58 pm

      brett,
      OH MY GOODNESS!!! This comment had me rolling, I laughed so loud I scared my cat!!! πŸ˜€
      G

    • May 1, 2010 1:30 am

      See I’m from Australia so we don’t have so many channels, but I love how they do the scan of our whole 8 free to air channels and then decide that he really hasn’t seen them and do it all again!!!

      • May 2, 2010 4:10 pm

        My dad used to do that in country SA – and we only had 2 stations!!! Thank God my parents never got Foxtel.

  10. April 29, 2010 4:12 am

    Wipe with OUR shirts?? NEVER….maybe hers

    I must protest #8 due to the Chewbaca amount of hair I pull from the drain of the shower EVERY time I follow the wife πŸ˜€

    Pretty sure I’ve used the same cup for 2 years…not sure it’s ever been washed in that time though.

    #6? Yeah, but I bout choked on the last line…BWAHAHAHAHAHA

    #3?? All I gotsta say is lemme break out the hidden camera on the wife…uhhhhuhhh

    #2, yes we’re weinies

    #1 How am I supposed to watch TV when there’s so much internet to surf?

    Oh and I’m not comfortable in lingerie….except on Tuesdays

    • April 29, 2010 7:09 am

      im sorry. i cant look at your avi anymore without thinking of you-lingerie-tuesdays.

      makeitstop.

  11. April 29, 2010 4:31 am

    Love it.

    I was cleaning the bathroom sink mirror one day and my bride says, “I was wonder how long it would take you to clean it yourself.” I’m like her own personal case study.

    • April 29, 2010 7:10 am

      good job, ric! πŸ˜‰

      brent has really been helping in the house lately. its awkward really. feeling like i should step it up in the fart dept.

  12. April 29, 2010 5:12 am

    I think both Libby and I split both lists fairly evenly, actually…

    9. we splash the mirror when we brush our teeth – hey, I actually brushed my teeth and eradicated my morning breath, isn’t that enough for you?!

    8. we leave hair in the sink after shaving – I typically try and clean up after shaving, but I do accidentally leave it behind sometimes…maybe if I wasn’t so distracted trying to get all the long hair out of the hairbrush…hmm…

    5. we litter the ground with laundry – How will we know what we wore yesterday (to avoid wearing it two days in a row) if it’s not laid out on the floor to see. What if we grabbed the same shirt as yesterday. That could present some awkward situations at work!

    2. we develop a martyr complex when we get sick – Ok, I may or may not have sat in a bathtub for hours with a 102+ fever having a three sided conversation between a Mexican House-Keeper, the girl from Titanic, and a Mobster from a 40’s gangster movie. I definitely wasn’t being a baby about it though.

    1. we channel surf rapidly (and seemingly aimlessly) – I have maybe 5 channels memorized by number…maybe 10 more that I will watch…if I’m not on one of those, why stop until I hit one?

    Oh, and Toby, how do you do Nekkid Tuesday if you’re in lingerie on tuesdays?

    • April 29, 2010 5:15 am

      Dude, you know how it works. Never in the lingerie for long……Need I say more? Really? Cuz I’ll tell ya all about it! πŸ˜€

    • April 29, 2010 7:13 am

      honestly…i think a lot of women can claim much of this list.

      im 9 and 8.

      9 = but i clean the mirror!

      8 = my long hair is strewn ALL ABOUT the bathroom. looks like a beauty parlor threw up in there some days.

      • April 29, 2010 7:22 am

        Glad it’s not just me with the hair thing. After having short hair for 10
        years I’d forgotten how much we leave everywhere!

        • April 29, 2010 7:28 am

          yah. everywhere. sometimes it gets pulled out of the undies after theyve come out of the laundry….and theyre wearing them.

          whoops.

          • April 29, 2010 11:16 am

            That’s funny. My daughter has REALLY long blonde hair, and it’s really confusing when a perfectly clean pair of underwear contains a gom of blonde hair…

            • April 29, 2010 1:50 pm

              HA! i had a roomie in college who thought she had random & obscure long hairs “down there” it took us about a half hour to explain & make her believe it was her head hair washed down in the shower!! πŸ˜€

              • April 29, 2010 8:10 pm

                wow. really?

                • April 29, 2010 9:45 pm

                  unfortunately that is totally & unadulterated truth! her argument when we told her they were not “down there” hairs: “but i can feel them, they kind of tickle when i pull them out”…no lie, my friend, no lie!

            • May 1, 2010 1:33 am

              Hey in our family I have brunnette hair, my older sister has bright red and my little sister is a natural platinum blonde so we always know who to blame for the hair in the bathroom!!

              Also seriously it’s like hair just breeds on the floor, you vacuum and bam! it’s back on the floor again!

      • April 29, 2010 8:35 am

        I go as far as to buy my own brush so I don’t have to clean it every morning…

        Somehow mine is the ONLY one that isn’t constantly lost.

  13. Jim2 permalink
    April 29, 2010 5:15 am

    After reading the list, the only thing I can say is that none of them were raised by MY mother, the self-proclaimed “Meanest- Mother- in- the- World” – but I do have a pretty awesome “cringe factor” for the smack that was followed by “clean your own mess, and while you’re at it …” What a lot of it boils down to is not seeing our wives as a helpmeet but as a housekeeper.
    Gotta say Brent and Kota did a great job on the list! #7 just about killed me – every day the entire top rack of the dishwasher is filled with glasses, 5 people in the house and 7/8 of the dirty glasses are from 2 people.

    • Jim2 permalink
      April 29, 2010 5:19 am

      Sorry, I thought your guys made the list – shoulda clicked through before commenting. Nothing on the list about wandering around the house in our boxers, maybe it’s not that annoying?

    • April 29, 2010 7:13 am

      “” What a lot of it boils down to is not seeing our wives as a helpmeet but as a housekeeper.”

      very true!

  14. April 29, 2010 5:26 am

    I’m just surprised there was no comment on the list about every man’s secret talent…

    “The Helicopter”

    • April 29, 2010 7:14 am

      what is that?

      or should i ask 😯

      • April 29, 2010 7:25 am

        If my brother is anything to go by, it’s all about making a certain part of their anatomy do things in a helicoptery fashion….

        • April 29, 2010 7:29 am

          nu-uh?!!!?!!!

          • April 29, 2010 8:39 am

            Oh, dear Momma… I did NOT need that visual. What the heck is wrong with men anyway??

            Where in the world is the delete button for my brain? Oh the agony… oh the pain!

            Ah.. there.. now I feel better! πŸ™‚

            • April 29, 2010 8:11 pm

              ” What the heck is wrong with men anyway??”

              of which you are a part of.

              😯

              right????

              • ristowswife permalink
                April 29, 2010 8:49 pm

                A wise, old pastor’s wife once told me, “Honey, EVERY man has a wiener dance.”

        • April 29, 2010 7:49 am

          OH. DANG. 😯

        • April 29, 2010 11:43 am

          TMI TMI

          Oh I need brain bleach.

    • April 29, 2010 8:32 am

      Ahem…no further comment. Nothing to see here…keep moving! πŸ™‚

  15. April 29, 2010 6:39 am

    I highly object to this in reference to the passing of gas: “indiscriminately”

    There’s nothing indiscriminate about it. πŸ˜‰

    • April 29, 2010 7:15 am

      of course!

      i knew there was something wrong with that list….

    • April 29, 2010 8:15 am

      Jason that just ain’t right bro… so wrong. how do guys fart on command anyway?

  16. April 29, 2010 7:12 am

    My husband leaves some hair but does a decent job of clean it up. I leave hair on the vanity (which I usually just brush to the floor) and of course in the shower. With as much hair as I’ve lost you’d think I’d be bald or thinning. Not so much.

    We both end up getting toothpaste spit on the bathroom mirror.

    My hubby uses one cup indefinitely. I’m usually the one that’s swapping it out with a clean one cause that’s just nasty.

    Toilet paper yep. Strewn laundry nope..that’s usually me.

    This list and the comments are hilarious. Great laugh on a Thursday morning.

    • April 29, 2010 7:16 am

      i think you and i could be related. yes, i do believe so.

    • Jim2 permalink
      April 29, 2010 9:34 am

      haha – that is one of my pet peeves – I can never find my beverage container because someone has put it in the dishwasher – how dirty can a glass be if all you drank from it was ice water?

      • April 29, 2010 11:45 am

        That’s all my husband drinks. He uses a 44oz cup from a convenience store. I just usually swap it out when he asks me to refill his water.

        And it’s dirty from germs.

  17. April 29, 2010 8:14 am

    oh my gosh – I started reading this thinking, “why is she writing another post about what we women do to annoy our men” and then I got to the “pee on the toilet” thing and realized you were TALKING ABOUT MEN AND NOT ME!!!!

    10. we leave a wake of empty containers – just cleaned 7 coffee mugs at work (one for every day of the week)

    9. we splash the mirror when we brush our teeth – ummm hmmm.

    8. we leave hair in the sink after shaving – ah. yes.

    7. we use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one – husband is always cleaning them up

    4. we dont do housework – guilty

    1. we channel surf rapidly – yup

    Should I be scared? eeeee!

    • April 29, 2010 8:31 am

      My wife is DEFINITELY the one to use multiple cups. I’ll come home from work and can tell exactly how much coffee she’s had that day by how many coffee cups are on the counter, lol.

    • April 29, 2010 11:47 am

      Oh Jenny friend. I was wondering what you were talking about up there.

      And if Tam and I are related you and I are twins 5 years apart. Except the channel surfing thing. I don’t do that.

      • April 30, 2010 1:57 pm

        i know – twins separated at birth. well, and by years too πŸ™‚ tee hee!

        but I’m only 29 in my mind…

    • April 29, 2010 11:49 am

      Oh and I’ve been known to shave my legs in the sink (up to the knee action) when I’ve been in a hurry. I always rinse out the hair.

      • April 29, 2010 1:55 pm

        i’m SO jealous! i wish my short little legs could REACH the sink! although i have done a sit on the tub & shave quickness every once & awhile!

        • ristowswife permalink
          April 29, 2010 8:51 pm

          Hahaha… I am a short, unflexible person… unless I need to shave my legs quickly in the sink. SOMEHOW, I get them up there!

  18. April 29, 2010 9:07 am

    I already follow about 50 blogs. The past 3 days has really amped that number! There are some pretty funny people that check in from day to day (and through out the day) that I want to know a little more about. Where was “a woman is curious (and noisy)” on that list from 2 days ago???

    In all seriousness though, there are men AND women these past few days that would give someone the shirt off their back (not literally, guys) if asked. Isn’t that awesome?? That God would bring people together like this. We may not always agree, but we respect each other. We even argue with respect! I am blessed by your comments & insights into the struggles & pain we all have within us. Men OR women. Stupid little character defects and awesome assets!

    • April 29, 2010 11:48 am

      I so agree Shellie. I love some of the people here and have never met them. One day. One day we will.

    • April 29, 2010 8:17 pm

      what i love most about this community is YOU ALL built it. this community is you!

      im like a happy mama πŸ™‚

  19. April 29, 2010 9:23 am

    Some more important facts concerning farting and men from my own experiences:

    1. I had a friend who decided to let one go during a church service. Unfortunately, their was an unexpected lull in the music and he supplied the trumpet call for everyone’s enjoyment.

    2. I had a co-worker who let one go in his car. His 2 year-old daughter was in the seat behind him and got the full brunt of the episode and actually puked because of it. I know that sounds awful to some of you ladies but for men, that is the epitome of fart stories. If someone has puked after you dealt it… we have a winner!

    3. My brother was talking to my parents after leaving an all-you-can-eat buffet (I assume he was loading up). They were standing in the parking lot next to their cars when he decided it would be a good time to lift his leg and fire a shot across the bow. Unfortunately he didn’t make sure the range was clear and ended up breaking wind into the open window of a car located directly behind him. You guessed it. The car was occupied. He became aware of this fact when he heard the window being rolled up.

    4. Another co-worker has issues with chinese food. It creates an uncomfortable south wind that he needs to send on the way to the nether regions of the world. He and his wife had returned from eating chinese, had gone to bed and were watching tv. Her head was laying in his lap when he was hit by the chinese winds. He decided to try and sneak one off. Unfortunately for his wife, he gambled and lost (sharted). She was NOT happy.

    An important fact about men not listed in the above list is that we may forget the ladies wedding anniversaries and birthdays but we will never, ever forget a great fart story. πŸ™‚

    • April 29, 2010 9:51 am

      OK, you want fart stories…

      In high school, I was out riding around with three guys in a beat up Dodge four door. It was a nice and humid summer night so the windows were down and I promise we were not playing Mailbox Baseball nor throwing rocks at barn windows.

      We were on a back country road when I let one go. It was bad. REALLY bad. So bad, in fact, that even with the windows down going 55 mph the car stunk so bad people were gagging.

      I didn’t know what to do but realized that the only person who didn’t react immediately was the guy sitting next to me in the back seat. So I said “GEEZ DAVE! What did you eat?” He was branded with it despite all his protests to the contrary.

      • April 29, 2010 9:56 am

        I would have rolled the windows up. Of course, that was back before I grew up and got all wifed up and stuff.

        I have a similar story. My wife and I were at King’s Island(amusement park) with my brother and his wife. It was a hot, sticky summer day and we had been eating the food that you find at an amusement park.

        As we were climbing the stairs that lead to the Vortex, I decided to let one slide since my brother was climbing up directly behind me. I swear that one got hung up and just wouldn’t leave the area. The people behind my brother were very unhappy with him. As I was… there is just no excuse for that type of behavior and I told him so. πŸ™‚

      • April 29, 2010 10:16 am

        I was on a high school chorus trip to state competition. This was right after Taco Bell came out with their Grande Meal. I love me some Taco Bell.

        A friend and I challenged each other to eating half a grande meal. 5 Bean burritos later, I won.

        We had a meeting later in one of the rooms and I got a phone call. I had been holding one in for a looooong time but decided that while I was across the room, it was as good a time as any. I cropdusted and left the area.

        I watched everyones face as it slowly swept across the hotel suite we were meeting in. Eventually it hit the teacher and he stopped cold, his eyes watered up, tried to hold his composure, turned on his heels with a, “meetingoveryoumaywanttoopenawindowandleavethedooropen”

        Then it hit me. It. Was. Bad. It was too the point that all I could do was crack up laughing. I cleared a room of about 20 people in about 30 seconds flat.

        • April 29, 2010 10:35 am

          At the risk of letting the cat out of the bag, clearing-the-room is one of our super powers. By the numbers (20 or 30) I would say that the force is strong with you.

          • April 29, 2010 1:34 pm

            I have to take notice that it is all guys talking!!! TMI, guys! Like Jonathan said way earlier today:

            Move along, ladies……..nothing here to see (guys move to another room, please, it’s smelling something awful in here!

            πŸ™‚

            • ristowswife permalink
              April 29, 2010 8:53 pm

              My hubby gets kudos for never trying a DUTCH OVEN on me. If you don’t know what it is, just ask your hubby to demonstrate.

              • May 3, 2010 9:26 am

                oh I know what a dutch oven is – my husband likes to do that often.

                you know what’s worse?

                ….a dirty spoon. o_0

      • April 29, 2010 4:23 pm

        In my previous life as a youth leader, we had just managed to calm 30 10-13 year-olds down and had them sitting on the floor so we could pray. A side note, the building is what we refer to as a “transportable” (built off-site, transferred in, and deposited above the ground on stilt-like things).

        As we started to pray, one of the kids let one rip. It was LOUD, and you could feel it through the floor. The kid who was responsible is very much ADD, and gladly took responsibility with a proud “IT WAS ME!!!”.

        Needless to say, it was a while before we (as leaders) stopped laughing enough to resume the prayer-time!

        Also, I grew up with a father and a brother, a dog, (and a best-friend) who believed it was their duty to constantly gross us out with their constant farting.

        Mum banned dad from eating apricots. (THOSE were enough to clear the house).

        My brother discovered the voice memo on my phone one time when I was home. I discovered multiple farts recorded onto my phone – WAY after the fact.

        Our dog, Kelli (yes, a girl dog), would drop one, then slyly leave the room. Almost slink out of the room. If she didn’t move, you knew it was not going to be a stinker.

        My best friend ran up to my car as I was leaving church one sunday, turned around, stuck his butt through my car window, and farted in my face.

        • April 29, 2010 5:17 pm

          I loved everyone of those stories.. I was laughing enough that my wife wanted to know what was going on.

        • April 29, 2010 5:23 pm

          As a side note, we took about 25 7-9 graders on an inner city mission trip which included sleeping on the bare concrete in the basement of a mission. I am not joking that we had one young man that continually ripped farts for 45 minutes. We finally stuck him in a closet to gas himself to sleep!

          (for those of you concerned.. the closet was bigger than my bedroom at home)

    • April 29, 2010 2:43 pm

      Once, when I was pregnant, my husband farted and made me throw up. He glories in that story to this day. It got better with the next pregnancy when the lingering smell of his bathroom time caused the same reaction. Ahh…boys.

      • April 29, 2010 5:17 pm

        Strong is the force with this one. Yes. Watch him we will.

      • April 29, 2010 9:10 pm

        Your story makes me hear the Old Spice theme song in my head. Your man…is a real man.

      • April 29, 2010 9:52 pm

        remarkable.

        did you have boys too?

    • April 29, 2010 2:51 pm

      Back when my husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary, we and our three boys went to the Japanese Steak House for dinner. Apparently it did something to the entrails of two of them. The noise and the smell was more than I could handle in the car — so we stopped alongside the road and despite the freezing temps, I told them to get those butts outside the car and get all that gas out.
      Had a police officer come by, I’m not quite sure how we would have explained the stop where the two back doors were open and two butts were hanging suspended between each door and the car as they did just what they were told.

      • April 29, 2010 5:19 pm

        Nice!!.. and all the cars that were driving by were ‘passing gas’ .. literally.

      • April 29, 2010 9:53 pm

        hilarious!!!

        you know thats on some cop cars dash mounted video camera somewhere πŸ˜‰

    • April 29, 2010 6:16 pm

      Of course there’s really nothing more satisfying than letting one rip sitting on the pews of an old church. Those old wood pews resonate better than organ pipes. There’s no sound quite like it!

    • April 29, 2010 8:18 pm

      yes.

      i have pee’d my pants laughing today.

      thankyoutony! at least it wasnt a shart-laugh πŸ˜•

  20. April 29, 2010 1:55 pm

    I totally avoid the hair in the sink problem. I shave in the shower. With a fog proof mirror. Puaha!

    Now about those other 9….

    • April 29, 2010 8:19 pm

      brent shaves his head over the bathroom sink. i…leave my hair all over the floor.

      its a give/give. its all about love.

  21. April 29, 2010 2:24 pm

    ive been out all day but reading these comments as they come thru in my inbox on the phone…

    you all are WAY better than the comedy channel!

    youve kept this girl entertained all afternoon πŸ™‚

    and you are really preoccupied with farting.

    yup, lettin in loose here.

    πŸ˜‰

    • April 29, 2010 2:55 pm

      i know, right?! i think this is why i spent my ENTIRE childhood laughing till i cried– i have 3 brothers!!!

      • April 29, 2010 8:20 pm

        my brother used to pin me down and fart on my face. and chase me with his boogers cuz “mom always told us to share”

        πŸ˜•

        • April 30, 2010 3:10 pm

          I’m pretty sure your husband is good at holding people down and farting in their faces as well. Yup. mm hmm.

          • April 30, 2010 8:54 pm

            Can I just say…from um, ‘experience’…it’s not just boys who do that…. :s

  22. TheNorEaster permalink
    April 29, 2010 2:45 pm

    Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!

  23. April 29, 2010 2:46 pm

    not on the topic of farting i can totally laugh at #2. This morning Chad, my husband, had a tooth extraction. The dentist told him to treat it like a wisdom tooth removal because it came out root and all. Oh the pitiful little one. Granted his parents did ship us our favourtie Birmingham only ribs from our favourite place because his birthday is Saturday and he cant eat them, but they freeze. He asked if I could stay home from work to take care of him. haha! as i recall when i got all 4 wisdom teeth cut out he told me to suck it up and go to work. haha!

    total martyr. but thats what ya get for picking your teeth with a metal pick…. πŸ˜‰

    • April 29, 2010 2:52 pm

      Haha, Lynse! I can SO feel the love!

      • April 29, 2010 2:56 pm

        there’s a lot of love. just so so funny. he is at home resting….probably staring at the ribs wishing he could have some. would it be torture if i enjoyed them?

    • April 29, 2010 8:20 pm

      i hope you ate those ribs πŸ˜‰

  24. April 29, 2010 5:14 pm

    Oh and a favourite thing of my brother’s was to burp grace. At the dinner table, belching out a prayer.

    I”m sure dad was proud :O

    • April 29, 2010 8:25 pm

      i used to get in trouble all the time from my gramma (baba) for humming songs at the dinner table.

      she would have sucker punched me if i burped.

      ha!

      • April 30, 2010 8:59 pm

        I’m certain some nights at dinner the goal was to out-gross each other. The bar was pretty high. Even now I have to watch my conversation when I’m eating with friends. I forget not everyone grew up in my family!

        Grace was usually said quickly, because it was quite a violent time with us three kids doing all we can to extract noise from another sibling – kicking each other under the table, twisting fingers etc πŸ™‚

  25. April 29, 2010 5:52 pm

    im going thru all of these with my family tonight.

    i love you guys!!!!

  26. April 29, 2010 5:59 pm

    hey guys! you’ll love this…

  27. April 29, 2010 7:46 pm

    a new follower of mine on twitter posted this link:

    http://gizmodo.com/5527660/the-better-marriage-blanket-dampens-farts-to-save-lives-relationships

  28. ristowswife permalink
    April 29, 2010 8:56 pm

    Hahahahaha… me and my hubby have our own blankets. We always have and always will. He can fart up the place all he wants and I can just hide under my blanket blissfully unawares!

    • April 29, 2010 9:48 pm

      i was JUST telling brent how he is a blanket hog. i mean, bad. id almost rather him fart under them all night than steal them.

      wait.

      no.

      i take that back.

  29. April 30, 2010 1:39 am

    this is way too funny!!

    i’ve been dreaming up a post for my blog about “The Man Cave” and will include a link over here, hopefully sending you some traffic πŸ™‚

  30. April 30, 2010 8:45 am

    Your community confessions posts are making me feel so much better about being single and isolated πŸ™‚

    And, before you go there, I’ve never heard or smelled Riley fart. So we’re good.

    • April 30, 2010 2:04 pm

      Before I became a doggie person and also before I got married, I had a cat named Miss Kitty.

      Whenever I was dating a new someone – they had to pass the Miss Kitty test. The test was… if you come to my house, sit on my couch, and Miss Kitty doesn’t let one, you’re in. If she toots, you’re probably not going to get past a third date. If she clears the room, there is no hope for you.

      But I didn’t quite know what to do the day my date stopped by and Miss Kitty ran straight upstairs and crapped all over the floor.

      Needless to say… she was on the money with EVERY single person… it was uncanny!

      • May 1, 2010 10:25 am

        Funny… I realized soon after getting Riley that it was ok I would never date again, because every time someone hugs me, he FREAKS OUT. Even if he loves the person, he will do his best to get in between us and hug me himself.

        It’s jealousy at a level I didn’t know existed.

  31. April 30, 2010 12:14 pm

    Tam, I was already cracking up reading all the comments here and then my co-worker sent me this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM4eJ38S7Hw. Her husband is a video/film guy who actually made this commercial. This could be the solution to everyone suffering from #3! (At least part of it…)

  32. April 30, 2010 6:15 pm

    I was just thinking what a boring Friday night this was gonna be..then I went to Tam’s blog!!! : )

  33. May 1, 2010 9:14 am

    I like the fact that Jason and I are comfortable enough to toot in front of each other. Sometimes the only way to get back at him farting in an enclosed space is to dutch oven him just as he’s about to fall asleep.

    We’re all about the butt trumpet.

  34. May 3, 2010 11:45 am

    So, I know your new site is done…. when will you debut it?! πŸ˜€

  35. May 3, 2010 3:38 pm

    I got a much needed laugh from reading the list. Thank you!

  36. Alex permalink
    June 11, 2010 8:24 am

    I’m a new reader…….but I have to say…..you guys have had me laughing so hard I have tears running down my cheeks, my nose is running and my sides hurt. I love it!

    I’ll share this to add to the stories – early in our marriage I was startled awake by a car backfiring loudly outside our bedroom window. I looked around and noticed my hubby had slept right through it. JUST as I fell back to sleep it happened again……and then a third time…..but this third time I realized, there was no car. It was my husband and much to my dismay the third startling sound rumbled the bed and I jumped, wafting his “backfire” right at me. He never woke up…..not even to my laughter.

    He and my son, have also successfully frozen farts in the car. Rip one off just as you leave a warm car in the middle of winter……when you return to the cold car, no smell. Soon as the heat kicks in and starts ‘thawing’ things…..fragrance released. It’s their favorite trick. Which leaves me hanging my head out the window in the dead of winter, tears freezing to my face.

    Thanks for the laugh!!! You guys are great!

    • June 11, 2010 10:45 am

      i have never heard of frozen farts. ohmy…thats funny. but even so…i am NOT telling my hubs and son about it. nope.

      glad we can offer you a laugh around here =)

      the blog has moved so you can catch me, us, over at http://taminprogress.com any time.

      thanks for adding to the great confessions!

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