its bidness time!
May 19, 2009
well okay then.
tuesday night my son, kota, asked brent and me how many times we “entertain” each other.
😕
seriously tho, we all laughed. you’d have to personally know this boy to appreciate the things he says. he is truly an awesome kid!
a couple months ago we had a little sex series at church. it was great! our kids sat through all 4 weeks of it. we’ve had “the talk” already – so the series didnt shock them – but actually enlightened them. its good.
but im curious. when do you think is the best time, age, to have the sex talk with kids? have you had it with yours? did your parents have the talk with you? do you remember anything about it? was it awkward? did it scar you? 😯
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inProgress 
My parents (mom mostly) were very open with us. I have an older sister, so she got most the conversations first and I was just kind of there and listened in. I loved that I grew up where we could ask or be invited in on any conversation. Nothing was really off limits. My parents were really cool that way. I think was scared me was when we were watching movies or something and there were kissing scenes and I would get embarrassed and then Mom and/or Dad would make fun of me. Like “oh, they are kissing…” and then on and on. I know they were being funny and those are moments you whatever as a family, but looking back it just made me feel stupid. That was when I was really young though. 5 or 6. Not 25 or 26. Seriously.
i LOVE reading your comments. you write exactly how you talk 🙂 i miss you.
you know…the openness your parent shad with you on this subject has made you pretty open on it too. trust me 😯 BUT – that aint bad – i think its great!
um, what scared me, not was scared. Yeah.
Bearing in mind i don’t have any kids that i, ah – er, know of….
As late as possible but probably before they run into it ‘head on’ in their everyday environment – ideally, after the age of 25!
35 if possible 😉
hopefully never 😯 (we’ve done enough multiplying already! Can we move on to some subtraction yet?? i’ve already got my list 👿 )
My folks never sat me down for that particular chat. i am positive if they had it would have scarred – or at least seriously corrupted – me. (more!) 😉
As much as it has preoccupied a great majority of my thoughts and a not incosiderable period of my life, before i fully understood (sort of) the requirement to know and Love God first and foremost, looking back – i mostly squandered a lot of time that could have been put to much more gainful use – sigh.
it was fun while it lasted though!
<B
“Bearing in mind i don’t have any kids that i, ah – er, know of….”
im sorry. i cant seem to get by this line. that is just plain scary.
oh kay. (how come no one spells it like that?)
I had the talk kinda sorta early, but it was triggered by something kinda awkward. I wasn’t scarred by it at all, but I really didn’t understand much about it, and it certainly was not explained as “when a man and a woman really love eachother.” It was more like… “yeah, everyone does it.”
Of all of the things I learned growing up, emotional attraction was not one of them. Thinking back that probably did a number on me mentally, but i’m ok now…
I think. 😉
A good age to tell a child?? I don’t know! Just found out I’m having a _____, so I don’t know how to answer that. Maybe you can enlighten us?
having a??? do you know what youre having and just not sharing? 😉
i think each kid is different. it depends on their maturity level. but also if the parent is ready. how sex is communicated by the parent can leave a strong impression on the child. if it comes across awkward from you, or embarrassing, it may leave that mark on the child. its a tough one. thats why i think how brent told kota was great! he took him camping and drew diagrams in the dirt. holla!
I’m not really sure I ever got “the” talk as much as I got different little talks. Probably the biggest one was when my mom found my stash. Not cool.
What I love though about the situation is that my Dad took the time in the aftermath to actually apologize to me for not being more upfront about all that “stuff” – oh, I got in trouble for sure – but it was amazing to know that I had a dad who actually cared enough about me to apologize for not telling me WHY looking at trash wouldn’t be God’s best for my life.
Thanks, Dad!
i think i love your dad. that is awesome russ!
was it “not cool” that you had a “stash” or that your parents found it? 😉
P.S. I was probably around 12 during that time.
I can remember … I didn’t have ‘the talk’… I was 11 and was in hospital after having an epileptic fit… and one day my father dropped two books on my bed – An ‘Asterix’ comic book and ‘What Every Teenage Boy should know’…. that was it lol
hahaha! that is so old school. love it!
Wow. Hard question. I think it depends on the child. I have 3 and we approached sex differently with each one.
My mom and dad were VERY open probably too much with sex. They were from the hippie era and sex was no big deal. Did it scar me?
Ya know what a little. Because it was WIDE open, sex became a fun thing to do and not something that would bond a relationship and Show love.
Myself, I struggle with talking about sex, because of my past with a rape. Although I am very open about my rape now. It paralyzed my thinking. So I had to find grace and forgive myself and then read alot and open myself up so I could have an open conversation with my teens.
I became also too rigid in setting boundaries until the day my daughter signed an abstitence contract. She is so proud that she did that. Now we talk about the boundaries in a healthy way and she makes healthy choices, my 16 yr son did the same. Instead of me being a mean parent, I am flexible but stern parent. If you could be both.
They know where my lines are.
having a parent that demonstrates where the lines are is SO important! i know you know that heidi! how fortunate your kiddos are that you realize how crucial that is.
you are such a good mama!
Well, lets see. I’m 49 and my mom is 72 and my dad is 75 and, frankly, I still do not desire to in any way whatsoever to compel them to have this talk with me. I will let you know if I feel I EVER hit the right age for this.
hahaha! and yet, you still managed to procreate. well done 😉
Oh dear. I think my mom had the BIG talk when I was in 5th grade. But she gave me several little talks throughout the years. They were all awkward and embarrassing. But I have to give her credit for trying.
I can’t even think about talking about sex with Annalyn. I mean, I can’t even get her to stop hitting these days. So imagining that I’ll have some influence on her grown-up choices like sex…well, it’s a little hard to think of right now. 🙂
having the sex talk has got to be one of the most daunting tasks of a parent. but i have no idea why it feels so unnatural. weird. maybe sex will be out of style when Annalyn (love that name) gets older 😀
My dad went all international on me and gave me this “sex” talk when I started dating,
“Watch your roman hands and russian fingers.”
Say it out loud, it will make more sense. My dad was also helpful with my dates and would give them an aspirin. He told them it would keep them from getting pregnant. When he received the quizzical stares that would naturally come, he would explain,
“If you hold that aspirin between your knees all night, you won’t get pregnant.”
Its a wonder I ever got married. 😉
i had to say that out loud three times before i got what you meant. 🙄
tony – how long did it take you to get what your dad was saying?
right away… cause I had been guilty 😉
alrighty then. how bout those Lakers!??
Did I say that out loud? I thought I just thought that.
Ah man.. imagine my embarrassment.
The talk…oh boy.
I figure I will let my wife have that conversation 🙂
As for my parents…I blocked any thought out of my mind…never had the conversation…nanananananananananananananananana
LOL!
you crazy!
Well, i dont have kids….but working with 5th grade – 12th grade i am thinking that if i were a parent i would say i would have it around the end of 5th grade.
My mom wanted so bad to have “the talk” with me but i had caught on to what she was doing and would desperately try to get out of it. She would always try to have it in the car where i guess she thought she had a captive audience so i would beg and barter with my brother to come with us everywhere. I dont know why i was so scared of it, but clearly i already knew enough because i knew what she wanted to say. Apparently i was successful because she has never had the talk with me…and i am married. ha!
i did everything to avoid it too! luckily, my brother was older and i would eaves drop on his and my moms convos. but his questions were WAY more uncomfortable than anything my mom ever said 😯
my mom had this conversation with me when i was 9 years old. i was disgusted by every process involved with this area. it is still the most awkward conversation i can ever remember having…well….maybe now it comes in 2nd to the time when my mother-in-law told me stories of when she breastfed my husband. 😯 ew…
How does that even come up?
Nevermind… I don’t know that I really want to hear that answer.
I DO lol… How DID that come up in polite conversation???? 😆
man…i don’t know if it’s just like a thing with mothers-in-law to be slightly tacky in conversation or WHAT…
i think it went down a little like this:
i sat in a rocking chair while at her house.
MIL: “isn’t that a lovely rocking chair?”
Me: “yep. very nice.”
MIL: “that’s the rocking chair i used to sit in when i would breastfeed landry…blah, blah, blah, etc, etc.”
Me: (smiling to be polite, but slowly rising OFF of the yucky chair) “oh that’s great! gotta run.”
haha!
i think i like you.
breastfeeding stories gross me out. every time. period. cant handle them. i dont ever want, nor need, the image of my man at his mamas ta-ta’s. nuh-uh!!!
great.. now you are just egging it on. someone burn my brain cells!!
voaserxlfjsoirjaowemidujfroaejrawejrioajsdofijaeio.
that’s the sound my laptop makes when it vomits.
was this conversation over dinner or just something that came up casually while shopping for 2% at the Kroger?
it came up before we prayed last night.
weeeeird.
ewwww! did you really hafta go there?! 😯
I’m not a parent. I don’t quite know how all this should best be navigated. But I do know this: You & Brent are amazing parents. And I want to learn from you. So can you maybe possibly remember all this stuff for a few years down the road when Drew & I hopefully have wee ones? That would be great.
kthx
just send your kids camping with uncle brent. cuz if left up to me…i will jack them up.
🙄
In the last school quarter of 5th grade, they dropped Religion class and we had “Becoming Ourselves” class instead. That’s where we all learned about sex… it was like an unwritten rule between parents that all the kids would learn at once… in school. It did save awkward conversations with parents, but there was a whole classroom of 5th graders staring down at their desks instead of at our teacher, who had to be at least 115 years old.
My parents were very openly affectionate and loving with each other, but we are a family that hugs and kisses each other every time we see each other. Affection was never awkward for us. As far as sex, we didn’t talk mechanics but mom always told me that by waiting I was being faithful to my future husband and being true to the commitment I would someday make to him. That made more sense to me… thinking about someone tangible that I just hadn’t met yet, rather than just being told not to do it.
i ike that approach by your mom. truth is- we dont need diagrams or hand sign language to be taught what is what and where it goes. i think that pretty much comes naturally – ya know – with Gods brilliant creation and all. but talking about how sacred and special it is – is vital and probably the most important part of “the talk”. good job mama!
oh, this is great. very enlightening, folks!
ive the talk with kass in small pieces throughout the years.
brent planned a camping/sex talk trip with kota a couple years ago. he wrote about it on his blog. i’ll have to find the link. it was pretty funny!
I don’t remember the talk. My parents talked about it on many different times. The only scarring thing is that my parents shared too much and didn’t share it God’s way.
I don’t know what the right time to talk about it is. So far we talk about it in bits. Christina knows that there are special things only done in a marriage. We have talked to the boys about how certain parts are private. So far both children aren’t into the other sex yet so in some way I need to wait for that because Christina doesn’t even process how kissing is good.
what? kissing is good? hmmm.
😉
My parents never had “the talk” with us. They left it up to the schools, primarily the elementary school assembly for girls on “that time of the month”. Frankly, I wish my parents had been a little more open and honest about it all. They had weird names for gender specific anatomy and I was surprised to learn that little boys didn’t actually have tassels!!
I’m thinking that I’m entering the time when “little talks” might be good as my 8 yr old girl is starting to ask some questions. (See my blog post: http://www.justlori.wordpress.com/blindsided )
I want to make sure at this age I don’t give her more than she can deal with or more than she asks, but at the same time I’d prefer she learn from me rather than some 6th grader next year…
tassels??? really? now THATS creative!
my aunt called our girl part, “feeney”. imagine my disgust when i first watched laverne and shirley. remember shirleys last name?
😕
I had the talk with Steele. I don’t think he gets it. He’s only four.
but right now the talk is…’don’t let anyone see your winky‘
i may have to expand on that in a few years.
dude! now hes gonna be afraid to wink at girls. hold on – i hope he knows the difference between and eye wink and a winky wink.
Oh my word!!! seriously, hilarious. i just love the term “entertain.”
he then went on to say… “ya know, pastor tom said once a week is average. are you guys average?”
😯
We have had the talk. Before they had it in 7th grade. It wasn’t too hard because we had already basically implied that to not have babies you have to keep your pants on.
Hope made a comment the other day about how her dad and I don’t have “nooky” anymore because that would just be gross. LOL I thought about giving her details to gross her out but refrained. LOL
you shouldve totally enlightened her of the truth. of course, not before you cued up the video camera 😉
The sad truths are that the average age of exposure to hard core pornography in America today is down to 8, and the American Academy of Pediatricians says that American children will be exposed to over 14,000 sexually explicit references over the next 12 months – that’s roughly 40 times a day.
I’m afraid we view our job as parents in the sexual department is to get our kids to the altar with their virginity in tact. We’re selling our kids short. We serve an incredible God that created sex, and wants us to enjoy it. It reveals His glory when we keep it inside his boundaries, but all too often, that’s not our message. We stick with “Don’t do it ’til you’re married” followed quickly with “boys will be boys” said under our breath.
Then we stand back and act shocked that porn and infidelity is such a huge issue destroying the church today.
From Sunday to Sunday, the enemy is speaking to your kid 280 times about sex. How many times are you countering that message with truth?
I was into porn at age 8, sexually active at 12 and addicted for 24 years. A book was placed, of all places, on my bed for my 13th birthday – 5 years too late.
It’s kinda like voting in Chicago – talk early, talk often.
those are wild stats.
“talk early, talk often.”
yes! i agree. even if the early talk is just simple…open it up. start the dialogue. get the comfy factor established. set the boundaries.
i think its something we dont consider seriously enough or soon enough.
Mmm…my kids haven’t started asking questions specifically about sexual intercourse A. K. A. baby-makin. But we’ve had little talks here and there as things come up. I think if you force the conversation when it’s not “time”, you’re making it seem like it’s a taboo subject, when it shouldn’t be. The kinds of questions I’ve fielded so far (my kids are now 2, 6 and 8): 1. Where do the babies come out? 2. How do mommies feed the babies under their shirts? Why doesn’t Niamh have a penis?
I haven’t avoided doing the entire talk, there just hasn’t been a need for it.
Speaking of all this. I kid you not…my son and his friend’s conversation just went like this (as I’m typing):
Sean (my son): Oh! My tenders. (pause) You know what your tenders are?
Tyler: What?
Sean: Your penis.
(Tyler’s eyebrows go through the roof as he turns to see my reaction.)
Me: Where’d you hear that?
Sean: Kung Fu Panda.
*sigh* boys.
oh my tenders?!!! hahahaha!
its better than “tassels” like lori (above) was told boys had 😀
Great discussion. My daughter started asking this year…she’s in kindergarten. For now our discussions have been frank yet age appropriate. Note: proper names for body parts are always used. My belief is that it is never to early to start. I worked for a while as a clinician with out County’s sexual abuse treatment team. Part of my work focused on treatment and rehabilitation of juvenile sex offenders. It was amazing work. You wouldn’t believe some of the things we had to work through with young offenders who had no clue what sex or intimacy were about. Sexual images are everywhere. Parents need to be all over it now more than ever. Thanks for the great post!
sexual images are indeed everywhere. tonight my kids and i were watching american idol and all the sudden there was Bikini Girk and Kara (the judge) singing. and at the end of the song, kara undid the front of her dress to show she could sport a bikini on stage too!
it was SO unnecessary! all of it. grrr!
hey taminator…
let’s just say that joj didn’t hold back much.
Our talk about “moody monthly” involved a tampon and a cup of red koolaid. Yes. she had props.
this may be reason 246 that I’m not ready for a little stegall yet.
maybe.
“Our talk about “moody monthly” involved a tampon and a cup of red koolaid. Yes. she had props.”
i. i. i. i….
idunnowhattosay.
😆
My stepmom made my dad do it when I became a “woman”. All he really said was if I had sex I would get pregnant so don’t do it. That was it. It was akward since I was 10 and didn’t know what sex was.
With Bella, we just let her watch. Is there any better way to learn.
Whatever, that’s gross. Not sure how we are going to handle it. Our response to your sons comment was “enough to keep us both happy.” hopefully in 13 years or whatever we will have a better response.
enough to keep us happy. i like that answer a lot! but seriously…is it ever enough to keep a guy happy???
😕
LOL…ummm yes we had “the talks” with “the boys”…..it was very enlightening…
My parents just handled things as they went….there was always a humorous side to everything in my family… 😉
humurous? in your family? hmph. really?
😀
kidding!
do you think that made it more comfy to talk about it? or even to ask questions?
We rarely did/do things without humor…I have to admit it did make it easier to ask “it does what???” really? You would not BELIEVE some of the names they came up with for “parts”…
One day I’ll share, privately…promise…LOl 😉
“One day I’ll share, privately”
“privately”
sorry. that made me laugh.
😀
I’m still waiting for my sex talk from my parents…nada, not one word, ever
With my guys it’s been a series of talks, comments, jokes, words that bring certain funny responses…all while watching tv, hanging out together, kayaking, car rides, quiet talks. It’s been matter-of-fact with Biblical and mom thoughts interspersed throughout it all.
How old? Before they started into puberty…started with talking about body changes and what they could expect…went from there.
rindy – you know how stinkin much i already admire you. and now it just hit me that you had to do this part alone too.
my hat is off to you my friend! much respect and admiration!
thanks. yup, one mom…3 boys…
it has been quite interesting!! 😉
You know your kids well enough to know when it was necessary to have the sex talk. I think that is what makes you and Brent such great parents. Will you adopt me?
My parents did not talk to me about anything, let alone sex.
Like Love I have no children, that I know of. My guess is that children should learn about their bodies as soon as the can understand what the words mean.
Of course if I had a daughter I might let her start dating when she was 30. 🙂
yes! we will adopt you, ed! 😀
i agree. as soon as theyre old enough to start comprehending. but it not necessary to talk about “sex” too early on. but to introduce why mommy and daddy hug eachother and kiss eachother. little things like that. being open and frank about it.
and, yah, kass aint dating til shes 30. thats final!
mmm, yeah. I think I was 14 or so when Dad gave me the book “Almost Twelve” – now THAT will do wonders for a guys self-esteem.
ive never heard of that book. i take it it wasnt a good read?
very clinical, informative, but not like a heart to heart with dad – I guess they figured that would be suficient
Sadly, I learned a whole lot more from friends and stuff I shouldn’t have been looking at than I got from my folks… simple, mid-westerners who “just don’t talk about that kind of thing” (spoken in a THICK North Dakota accent).
We had that talk with our kids when they were about 11-12.
“just don’t talk about that kind of thing”
danger. danger. danger.
but you turned out ok.!
how did not having your parents talk about affect how you handled it with your kids?
I grew up Catholic… We didn’t have the talk at home, leave that to the school I was going to, and the Nun I was learning religion and Health from…. Hmmmmm… Now I know why I have a thing for women wearing black…. Oh wait…. Sorry was that TMI?
Not sure the right age, but I know we are close with our daughter she is 9. The little questions are starting to pop, and we just handle them as they come. Her brother is 2 and she has seen countless numbers of diapers changed. I one day asked her if she knows the difference between boys and girls? She said yes got red in the face so I didn’t push any further. My wife is getting some of the other questions when it is shower time.
I just say handle the questions as they come, don’t lie, or sugar coat. But also do not avoid the subject. Parents need to make sure kids get the right information.
exactly. and the only way they are getting the right info is if we are involved. we cant be afraid to jump in.
I remember getting the talks from my mom and can still see her hand gestures. She always used the correct names for body parts etc..
When my daughter was about 11 I decided it was time to tell her as my mom had told me. I knew I had gone too far when she replied, “huh?” I about died and said never mind! It has scared me for life. I can’t remember if I ever went back.
With the 2nd one I’ve told her what to expect with her body. Never went further with her.
The 3rd one told her same as above. The thing is she’s hooked on animal planet and therefore has learned all she needs to know on mating!
So, I have 3 down, 4 to go and it’s time to do it again. This time it involves a male child and told hubby it’s his turn!
dang. youre a pro by now, lady 🙂
your mom used hand gestures???
wow.
Wow, just wow!
i know lil one. i know.
and your time’s comin 😉
HAHA! these comments are hilarious.
Right age? I dunno. I have NO experience, so any age I would present would be hypothetical at best. Whenever they are ready and/or need it?
My parents decided to give me and my best friend (with her parents’ collaboration) a ‘study’ on “Preparing for Adolescence” by Focus on the Family’s guy (sorry it’s late – I can’t think). Between that and books I found on my own – plus my own imagination (I know, scary) I figured most of it out.
I would have wanted something done differently in my education though. This one is an open topic of thought for me.
my family gave me one book (self-help type) when i was young. it was a book on how to apply eye makeup properly.
seriously.
My mom was pretty open with me … but it actually made me uncomfortable. Now as an adult I’m trying to figure out why so I can handle it better with our kids! 😉 (And no, we haven’t had the talk with our 4-month-old boys yet. ;)) I was maybe 9 or 10 when she had “the talk” with me but I had learned about sex from a peer when I was 7, so I wish she would have beat him to it! I’ve heard Focus on the Family has a series of age-appropriate books about sex for children, starting at a fairly young age, and I really want to get those for our boys.
i cant think of age appropriate books without thinking of the potty book that was given to son when he was 2. it has the little girl on the cover with dark, squirly hair all crazy on her head. why he was given a potty book for girls is beyond me, but anyhoo…this lil girl is hilarious in this book! if you havent seen it – you must try to find it!
no, really… how often do you entertain (read) to each other… bwahahahah! 🙂